Dog Water and Locked Doors: When Chaos Abounds

My life sometimes seems to be a comedy of errors--or maybe more like a series of errors.  :)  I'm positive my children save up their ill-behaved ways, coordinate with each other, then just decide to let loose with everything all on the same day.  I need to find their calendars so I can be ready for them next time!  I know they look like innocent little sweethearts, but trust me....  Looks can be deceiving!  I wonder if they worry my readers will be bored or start feeling sorry for themselves if I don't have a "let me make your life look better" story every now and then!  Charming, thoughtful children, aren't they?!  I wish there were some way I could tie it all together in the end with some sort of lesson and say, "This is how God spoke to me," but sometimes, it's just about telling a story that I find humorous. Of course, when I start typing, I intend to head in one direction while God sometimes takes me in another, so I never know how some of my postings will end.

When we woke up yesterday morning with Avery covered in some new sort of rash, I figured we were most likely headed down a curvy road.  Thankfully though, we managed to get through all of our errands without him chewing through a bag of Peanut M&Ms or disrobing and pointing out his nipples and other body parts in the middle of the store, then telling everyone that they have nipples too.  We made it through the grocery store without accosting the plastic Avery-sized display M&Ms and trying to carry them off, demanding to take one home.  We also made it through the pet store without him trying to catch fish this time (you know, I never noticed just how accessible those darn fish tanks are to toddlers!) and he was helpful in other stores.  The rash wasn't bothersome and he was just happy to be out.  He greeted everyone, had conversations with several people, kept track of my list for me and greedily shared my Starbucks!  We got through the day without having to bathe the cat or chase him through the neighborhood after a successful escape attempt.  Avery didn't attempt to water any plants for me, or try to mop the floors.  In all, it was a successful, relatively boring day.

Things went well until dinner time.  If you have a husband (or wife!) who commutes from the city, you know they usually run later on Friday nights.  Shawn's company introduced a new product this week, so between the issues arising from that, and Friday night traffic, he was running behind in getting home.  Why is that always when everything happens at once and things start falling apart?!  


I had just gotten the pizza dough started and was catching up with laundry while talking on the phone with my mom (Mistake #1!).  I returned to the kitchen to check on the dough--and caught Avery trying his best to be um, helpful.  He has recently decided it's his job to feed our dog.  Naturally, she's not complaining because he is constantly trying to feed that 4-legged walking stomach!  So, there was dog food on the floor, her dish was full to the brim, and whatever wasn't in the dish or on the floor was in her water bowl!  After trying to clean up what I could and let Gretta eat what I couldn't, I realized the water wasn't salvageable.  Now, we have 4 pets.  And they all need water.  So we don't have a regular old dish--oh, of course not!  We have a 5 gallon jug that is inserted upside down into a little fountain thingie. Yes, I carried that jug (in the bowl) across the house and outside so I could dump it.  Then had to clean it all up, carrying the jug back into the house and put it all back together.  And I'm proud to say I did it all without spilling a drop!  That may sound simple enough, but picture this:  Tripping over the 4 animals, 2 children and countless toys and items littering my path, struggling with the weight of the jug and bowl, trying to get out the door without letting the cats out and hoping Noah was paying attention as he held the door and was supposed to close it...  Sounds simple enough, but then, most things really do!


And just when I thought it was safe to sit down and take a breath....  Avery locked himself in his room.  I still haven't figured out how he managed it.  Shawn was still about an hour away from home, so I had two choices--break the door by throwing myself against it or taking the knob off while my toddler stood on the other side.  The funny thing?  He wasn't crying or fussing about being stuck!  He was laughing and singing!  I'm wondering if he thought it was great that Mommy couldn't get in his room?  I finally took the knob off and left the rest for Shawn to deal with.

I had to juggle a few other things while assembling the pizzas, but just the usual:  Keeping the elderly cat from dying (there's a story there, yes), keeping the boys from killing each other, keeping the dog out of our dinner, yada, yada, yada.

This is our life.  Crazy, chaotic and a little bit of wild.  But it's ours.

Oh, and when Shawn got home?  I went to bed.  Very early.

Better Than a Hallelujah

Hmmm....  Looks like I'm a hallelujah-themed kick here.....

God has been on me to take care of myself.  If I don't do that, I'm no good to anyone else.  If I'm not in peak shape emotionally, physically and spiritually, I can't take good care of my family, I can't help my friends and I won't be a successful part of the ministry I volunteer with.  If I am not overflowing with God, grace, mercy, love and good health, I won't have anything left to give out, and if I am able to give out, I will run in the negative for myself.

Okay, I'm sure you get the point.

Part of taking care of myself means taking a Bible study at church and attending a grief support group that our ministry runs.  These are not easy things for me, as I've said before.  There are things I need to tackle though, so this is what I must do.

The Bible study in particular is especially difficult for me.  We are doing the Resolution for Women.  At the end of each section, there is a resolution we must sign that goes with the chapter we just read.  At this time, I have been unable to sign the first one:  To find contentment with/be content in the current season I am in.  I am finding this just so difficult, but I know I need this study just because that is the first resolution.

Contentment is something I have been struggling to find for the past 18 months.  Several things have made it even more difficult over the past 6 months.  This is quite possibly one of the worst, horribly long, seemingly endless seasons, in which that stuff that hits the fan just seems to keep piling on.  I am so bogged down with how bad things have gotten that  I have been forgetting to look for God sightings and Tidbits of Normal, to enjoy my children and the life God has blessed me with.  I have not been able to be grateful for my loved ones, for the blessings God has given me and just for life itself.  I am always looking for the next minute, the next hour, the next day.  Even before I get out of bed in the morning, I am already thinking, "If I can just get through today, tomorrow will be so much better."  With that thought, I'm learning two things:  1, I'm forgetting to enjoy life and I'm missing out on so much by rushing through, and 2, I'm not learning anything.  And, now I'm reaping what I've sown:  I am emotionally, spiritually and physically killing myself.  I am stressed beyond being able to spell it as desserts backwards.  So, this has become my goal:  to be content, to remember to be joyous in this season, to find the things to be grateful for, to rest in these moments instead of rushing.

Something we talked about today in our grief class is emotion.  Some people are afraid to cry, some have been taught not to cry, others--like me--cry at the drop of a hat.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I think I've realized I'd rather wear it there than feel nothing at all.  Anyway.  The video we watched brought up a good point:  God gives us these emotions.  He gives us tears to relieve the pain, to release the grief and anguish we have held within us.  It's not shameful to cry and tears shouldn't be hidden.  There is nothing wrong with showing emotion--in fact, many times, they are better than a hallelujah to God.  Tears are a gift, and gifts are meant to be used, right?

So, not only do I need to work on contentment, but I need to remember it's okay to cry.  I'm still grieving some major losses, and trying to juggle several major stressors all at the same time.  It's been a rough year....  BUT it WILL get better.  With each day, it will get a little better, a little easier and I will have a few more hallelujahs.

Here is the video of Amy Grant's "Better Than a Hallelujah."  It always makes me cry, so if you're a weeper, keep a tissue handy!  Enjoy.  It's one of my favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm5kx3xqmg0

Can I Get an Hallelujah?!

Wow, I haven't cried tears of relief in a while.  Usually when I leave a doctor's appointment with Noah, I leave in tears of frustration and anger at the world.  Praise God, today was full of blessings and completely different.  I didn't do any fist-shaking at the sky while yelling, "HE'S MY SON! LEAVE HIM ALONE!"  For me, that's a pretty darn good day.

I realized I wasn't getting anywhere with the developmental pediatrician we've been taking Noah too.  She hasn't been listening to me as Noah's mom, or accepting me as the expert on my child.  The medication he is currently on just hasn't been enough for him and I've known for a while that he needs a little more of a boost.  Noah has been struggling a lot with his ADHD symptoms, which weren't being recognized by this doctor.  I finally realized that we needed different help.  We already had the diagnoses, we needed to go elsewhere for the proper help.

I've been trying since May to get an appointment with a specific doctor at the center we went to today, which offers inpatient and outpatient treatment (Noah said, "Um Mom?  Why are all the doors locked?"  Oh geez....), but I finally just took whichever doctor we could get.  Turns out, we got a wonderful, thorough, dedicated specialist.  She spent close to 3 hours with us, one of those with just Noah, but before we even got started, she asked me exactly what I wanted and expected from the appointment.  When we left, I felt vindicated because she agreed that Noah's ADHD symptoms need to be treated.  We have a clear treatment plan, clear expectations and a clear path.  Whew.  What a HUGE relief.

As it has been explained to me, and from the reading I've done, ADHD can be difficult to diagnose and treat in Asperger kids.  Asperger is an all-encompassing syndrome, which can include OCD-like behaviors, depressive symptoms, anxiety, rigid behaviors, ADD/ADHD behaviors, anger and aggression.  For a professional to diagnose any of those in addition to Asperger, the behaviors/symptoms must go beyond what is encompassed within the syndrome itself.  In most Asperger kids with comorbid ADHD, stimulants are not the way to go, as they can exacerbate many of the Asperger symptoms, especially anger, aggression, depression and suicidality.  And that concludes your science lesson for the evening!


The problem with the developmental pediatrician was that she was not acknowledging that Noah exhibited enough ADHD symptoms outside of what Asperger includes.  Even with a second opinion that diagnosed ADHD, she would not treat him for anything other than his Asperger symptoms.

Today, the doctor agreed with the Asperger diagnosis.  She also felt that Noah scored high enough (this is one of those times when a high score isn't necessarily a good thing!) on the ADHD charts that it goes beyond Asperger and requires its own diagnosis.  Along with those two, she also agreed with the Generalized Anxiety D/O diagnosis, and added Depressive Disorder, also.  That's a lot for a kid.  It was hard to hear, but really, I don't think it was anything I wasn't expecting.  In a way, I was relieved to hear the diagnoses because it meant she was taking us seriously, listening so well and willing to follow through.  I didn't have to shout, yell or beg for her help and understanding.

She wants Noah to have some baseline bloodwork done first: Thyroid, liver function, Vitamin D and a few others.  We go back next week to talk medication.  She wants him to continue on the Zoloft because she is concerned about his anxiety and depression scores, telling us that it's possible his scores would be higher without it (again, high scores not being a good thing).  Noah told her that he does feel the Zoloft is working, so that's good.  She gave me two options to think about for ADHD treatment: Either Ritalin or Focalin, which are stimulants, or Intuniv, which is a non-stimulant.  I'm leaning towards Intuniv, but I understand it is often difficult to get insurance companies to pay for it if you haven't tried something else first.  As she was presenting ideas to me, she warned me that sometimes Intuniv doesn't always take care of all the symptoms, so to be prepared for that possibility.  She does not strike me as overly eager to prescribe medications for children and another comment she made helped me see that she is not about having children on more than two medications unless there is absolutely no other way around it.  Again, what a relief.


While I'm on the subject of How Do You Spell Relief, a quick note about Noah's teacher.  Have I mentioned yet how much I love this woman???  Oh my gosh, can we please CLONE her?  She is beyond understanding of Noah and his behaviors.  Beyond willing to help him and work with him.  Beyond capable of loving, caring discipline.  I know my child can be a difficult child to have around for 8 hours a day, especially when you've got 17 other students and a multitude of tasks to complete.  A teacher who says, "These are the things I've seen him trying to deal with during the day, but I don't blame him, I get why he does these things and we're working on it" deserves a medal.  And her sense of humor blends right in with ours!  Oh, she's good.  She's REAL good!


Thank you, Sweet Jesus, for hearing our prayers and answering them.  Thank you for these blessings today.

Let Them Eat Cake!

I don't normally stop to share things like this on my blog, but it really made my day. Noah gave me a Tidbit of Normal tonight!`

As yesterday was Noah's 11th birthday, I sent him off to his Scout meeting tonight with a homemade chocolate cake. When I picked him up from his meeting, he came rushing up to me to announce there were only 6 pieces left. He'd made sure to save at least one piece for Avery, and another for his teacher.

"Everyone really loved the cake, Mom. They all wanted to know where we bought it from. But I told them it was homemade and that you didn't even use a box mix or canned frosting!"

Coming from Noah, that was huge for me. His Aspergian brain doesn't usually slow down enough to offer compliments, offer empathy or show pride in those around him. He tries, but it's often difficult for him to remember. Tonight though, Noah was proud of me and the cake I made for him.

And I am thrilled beyond belief that my boy was happy and proud of me.  My heart sings!


(And I'm quite proud that he was so thoughtful for his brother and teacher, too!)


~Please keep our family in your prayers tomorrow. We are taking Noah to a new psychiatrist who has come highly recommended to us. I'm praying this doctor will be able to provide us with the help and answers we so desperately want for our child. Please pray this doctor will accept me as an expert on my child and his needs and that he will be open to new and different treatment options for Noah. Thank you!~

It Takes a Village

I'm not trying to address politics here, so please excuse me for just a moment while I divulge a small tidbit about myself: I do wholeheartedly believe it takes a village to raise a child.  Now, that is most likely the only time you will find me agreeing with a democrat or liberal!  Please don't tell my husband.....

This has been a topic I've given a lot of thought to over the past year.  My kids have huge villages, and in turn, I am blessed to be part of several villages.  My friends and I joke that we are all helping each other raise village idiots (don't worry, there are plenty of times when we join in the idiocy).  Our kids are lucky enough to have three moms and two dads.  Of course, with so many eyes keeping watch on them, they aren't too sure just how lucky they are right now!  But some day, when they have kids of their own, they will remember us and appreciate everything we did for them.  At least, that's our hope!

I got thinking more about it yesterday after Avery and I were asked to "just happen to be there" when a friend's son had his first date.  She had to work, I don't.  If she couldn't be there, at least I could be there to spy, take pictures and make notes!  If the tables were turned, I would want her to do the same for my kids, and she would.  Even if she could have been there, I would have been there anyway; after all, any potential girl/boyfriends must pass everyone's approval!  Poor, unsuspecting potentials!

The topic crossed my mind even more today, Noah's eleventh birthday, as the texts, emails and phone calls poured in to wish him a happy day.  We had so many happy wishes for him, and I didn't realize that some of our friends even knew it was his birthday.

Both of my best friends are single moms.  Shawn and I have the privilege of "substituting" with their kids quite often, and it's a responsibility we take seriously.  Likewise, our friends frequently substitute with our kids, too.  Each time we swap children, each time I feed another one, each time we get together, I smile to myself, thinking, "This is how it's supposed to be.  This is God's purpose for us."  We all pick up where the other leaves off (not that any of us are neglecting our duties). We support and encourage each other.  We bounce parenting ideas and problems off each other, always getting a different perspective that might be better than our own. And there's also quite a bit of picking up and dusting off that goes on when one of us is having a particularly bad day!  We're content, we're happy, we belong.

Thankfully, my kids' villages go beyond my two best friends and the boyfriend of one (hence, three moms and two dads!).  While they are our closest village, my boys have many more in a more extended village.  Avery has his wonderful daycare teachers, my oldest niece and her boyfriend, and church nursery teachers.  Noah has his counselor, my oldest niece and her boyfriend, his horseback riding instructor, Boy Scout leaders and his wonderful Sunday school teachers.  And of course, both boys have GOD in their villages, along with all the people who pray for them daily and my fellow volunteers I work with at the center.

These villagers are people I trust implicitly with my children.  I trust them to discipline my children with love when necessary, to love on them and guide them, and to speak Truth into their lives.  I know they will not utter a harsh word to or against my children, and that they love these boys almost as much as I do.  Each villager has a specific place, filling a specific, much-needed role in their lives.  They are helping us mold our boys into the young men they will all-too-soon become.   Each of these special people is able to see Noah and Avery for who they really are at their cores.  They understand my children's gifts, see them for their inner beauty and are helping foster their unique personalities.  Each villager is a true gift to our family.

Tonight, I was filling out fourteen pages of paperwork for Noah's upcoming appointment with a new psychiatrist.  One of the sections was for influential family members who don't live in the home.  After I filled that section out and reread it, I was breathless for a moment.  Only one of those people on that list was true family; everyone else on that list is part of Noah's village.  What really took my breath away though, was that I ran out of room while writing down names and the roles they play in Noah's life.

Tearfully, I am so grateful for each and every single person involved in the lives of our boys.  Goodness knows, we cannot raise these boys alone and we need all the help, support, encouragement and prayers we can get.  It is an amazing feeling to not just have a village for my children, but to be part of several villages for other children.  It is an amazing feeling to know that my children are loved and cared for, well beyond what Shawn and I give them.  Our cups runneth over.

Bible Studies

There are two simultaneous thoughts racing through my brain right now, slightly tied together by my fears and phobias:  Bible studies and women's retreats.  I'm going to do my best to break them up into two separate posts.  Actually, it should be more like three posts, because this one isn't going to say everything I need to about the study I'm doing!  Wish me luck with this, please.   Otherwise, you're in for a very long read!  Well, longer than usual, I'll say!

I've known for a long time that in order to grow as a Christian, I need support not just through regular church attendance, but Bible studies.  Knowing and Doing are two very different things, however.  Bible studies really aren't one of my favorite things to do.  I do believe I have come up with just about every excuse imaginable, telling myself at the time that they were legitimate reasons, not pathetic excuses.  Truly, if I had wanted to do these studies, I would have found a way to do them.  I've blamed everything from my children and scheduling to my poor night-driving vision and end of the day body pain.  I know the leaders have been able to see through me for the excuses my reasons are.  They are, after all, pretty smart women!

Bible studies go very deep.  And much of what is so deep within me, I have just not been emotionally comfortable with dealing with, or ready to take on.  I have known quite well that I need to conquer these things so I can move on with my life, but I just have not been ready to face these things.  Many times these studies have brought up painful memories or subjects that I just don't want to remember or deal with.  I've given them the power to bring me down and submerge me in the pits of depression.  Why would I want to go into a Bible study knowing there is the potential for such a thing?  Gee, maybe it's because God is telling me it's time that I have power over it instead of allowing it power over me?  Hmmmm.....  Afraid of breaking down into tears in front of everyone, afraid to share my pain, I would often leave in the middle of the class and/or not return the following week.

Another reason I tend to shy away from Bible studies is because I've had bad experiences that go beyond the issues the studies address or bring to light.  I've had bad experiences with people in the groups themselves.  I've been judged for not knowing enough about the Bible, judged for what I've chosen to share and even deemed not a good enough Christian.  Those people taught me to stay silent, and therefore, I got very little out of the study.

I've also been in studies that have been dominated by one single participant.  Truly, in both instances, there was nothing the leaders could have done because the participants were not at the point at which they were open to hearing about their behaviors.  At first, I was afraid I was being selfish, unwise and uncaring: Maybe these women needed these studies more than I did.  There were many other maybes that went through my head, as I did my best to consider all the possibilities.  It soon became clear, however, that for both women, this was attention-seeking behavior.  They had the same complaints each week, derailed the studies in the same manner each week, attempted to regain control of the study when attention was focused away from them--you get the idea.  What these women really needed was individual counseling in addition to the studies, but that was not for me to say.  What I learned from those experiences was to stay silent (again), more out of fear of being too much like these women than anything else.  I didn't want to be the one who was considered the Bible Study Attention Hog.  After all, these studies are for every single participant; we wouldn't be doing them if we didn't need them in some way.


So, to say that I've been turned off from Bible studies over the past several years is putting it quite mildly.

When our church began it's new round of Bible studies/Sunday school classes, I shocked myself by signing up for one.  Literally, I handed the money and form over before I really realized what I was doing.  I left church that morning thinking, "Gee, thanks God!  What have you gotten me into now?"  I wasn't happy about it and, true to form, I immediately starting thinking of excuses to not go.  I knew in my heart, and felt it deep within my soul, that I desperately needed this particular study, though.  It is time.  I need to do this not just for myself, but for the sake of my family.


But you know what?  I went.  And I went back again today.  And guess what else?  I'm enjoying myself.  And I've already gotten so much out of it.  And I haven't been afraid to share, nor worried that I'm 'hogging' our time together.

The class I'm taking is The Resolution for Women, based off the movie  Courageous, that came out this past fall.  I have not seen the movie yet because there is a scene in it I'm not ready for (and I promise that really is not an excuse, it's the truth and I do believe God is protecting me in this one!), but it turns out you really don't need the movie to do the study.  I have joined an amazing group of women who are all full of wisdom and love for our Lord.  Being the youngest in our group, I can see that I have so much to learn from them.  All I have to do is listen to the wisdom God imparts upon me through them.  At least two women there share similar health issues and another mom has a young child 'like' Noah.  God's message to me through these women?  "I love you.  I have not forsaken you and I never will.  You are not alone in life, in your trials and your triumphs.  This is a season, and we will get through it together."

"I will not leave or forsake you."  Hebrews 13:5

A New Sign

Saw this today and laughed out loud.  I decided we needed to have this in our home.  I think it says it all!

(I won't bore you with all the philosophical thoughts that went through my head when I saw it, I think you know me well enough by now to take it from here!)