Light it up Blue for Autism Awareness

Did you know that April is Autism Awareness Month?  Or that Autism Speaks runs a "Light it up Blue for Autism" campaign on April 2 of every year.

The past few years, I've meant to do April big, to do it in style, and to do April 2 especially big.  Being who I am, I don't usually remember to start looking for a blue porch light until March 31, though--and we have yet to find one that fits our porch light.  This year it hit me--blue Christmas lights!  Duh.  I not only found string lights, but replacement bulbs that fit our porch light.  Go me!

I also paid a visit to the online Autism Speaks store, and I bought a 'few' more things for this special day, and the entire month, including a yard sign, should our neighbors think we have gone completely off our rockers, putting up Christmas lights in April.

Then I realized--I forgot to ask Noah if this was all okay with him.  We live on a street with several of his (not so nice) classmates.  Our neighborhood is full of kids he goes to school with, and rides the bus with.  We've talked about how to tell people, what to say, and when to say it--but I don't really know how many of his schoolmates know about his Aspergers.

What I learned from Noah made me very proud of my little blue light special (family joke!).  He said to me, "Mom, they need to deal with it.  I am who I am, and I'm not going to be embarrassed, or let them make me feel bad about it.  It's up to me and our family to raise awareness for the kids who can't."

And with that, folks, we are LIGHTING IT UP BLUE FOR AUTISM!

Handmade, Tattered and Worn

I have these pillowcases.  They are quite precious to me.  It started out as a sensory thing, as a child, probably about Noah's age.  I found them in the back of our linen closet, and discovered the story behind them: My great-grandmother had made them by hand.  The first one was more of a tablecloth, I think my mother said--I remember the pattern, a "12 Days of Christmas" theme.  The second was a pillowcase, the edging was baby blue, with gray kittens all over it.  They were so soft, and had these hand-sewn edges I would rub as comfort.  Even now, I can still remember the texture, the feeling of the cloth between my fingers.

I remember, after having children of my own, finding a dusty, dingy cloth in my grandmother's dusting cloths, and immediately knowing the texture and handcraft.  I remember my grandmother saying, "Well, it will take quite a bit of washing to get them clean, but if you want my dust rags, you can have them!"  I remember the musical sound of her giggle, astonished that I found such glory among rags.  I remember being just as astonished that she had deemed them rags.

As an adult, I have wandered through antique store after store, fingering such linens, in hopes of finding such treasures as the ones I found in my childhood linen closet, my husband and I shouting out to each other, "I found one!"

Most of these treasures are in tatters now.  As worn as they are, I still cling to them.  I keep them in my nightstand.  The two I have left are showing their age, but they still clothe my pillows, and I wash them with care.  I could never just throw them away.  They have traveled through life with me, through college, and marriage, and even through my children's births.  My children know the stories behind them, my husband knows their value.

And tonight, I realize...  This is me.  Tattered and worn.  Yet, my Father showcases me.  He does not store me in a drawer, or hide me away, embarrassed by my multitude of sins and mistakes.  I am hand sewn by Him, the One who made me.  I am precious to Him.  He knows my stories, He knows my value.  He knows the price, the cost, it has taken me to reach the point I am at, and the struggle it takes to just be here now.  He knows there is glory among these rags.  He knows there is more to be unveiled.   He has written my story, He has walked my journey.  He will never allow me to travel into waters unknown.  He clings to me, just as I cling to these linens.  He will never let me go.


This is me.  Tattered and worn.  But I am His.  And that is all I need.

It's 3 am I Must Be Wide Awake....

I was going to borrow shamelessly from Matchbox Twenty, and title this It's 3 am I Must Be Lonely--but with three cats, a dog, a small child, and my husband in my bed--what woman could possibly feel lonely??  Even though they're all sleeping and I'm not???

Please forgive me if I fall asleep while writing this....  Insomnia and pain are taking their toll.  I've never known which one causes the other, but they certainly go hand in hand, don't they? Throw in some anxiety and it's a party!  It seems as though the second my head hits the pillow, my brain is rushed with thoughts and cares and lists and concerns and anxieties and even, yep, blog posts that need writing.  There is a new song I've heard on the radio, and it's been very easy to 'hear' it in my head, using it as a breathing method: "Breathing in Your grace, breathing out Your praise..."  Still, there's Shawn, whose head hit the pillow exactly two hours after mine and only five minutes ago, already snoring *ahem* softly (sure, we'll use that word....), and my brain is only just getting geared up.  ADD, anyone???  So yes, there's not enough caffeine in the world right now.

I actually got laughing out loud over writing this post around midnight last night and I woke Shawn up.  Oops.....  I had it all out in my head, very tongue in cheek.  I think most of it is still there.

Normal Brain:
"Oh, it's 10 pm, I should go to sleep."   FiveFourThr..... Snore...zzzzzzzz

My Brain:
"Gosh, I've been in bed since 10 and it's midnight.  I really need to get to sleep!"

Fiiiiiiivvvvvee.......
Shawn's already snoring.  Is it really fair that I've been in bed two hours longer than him and I'm still not asleep?  I wonder if that winter weather advisory will turn into anything overnight.  Yeesh, I can't take another 5 am phone call telling us school is delayed or canceled.  Then the kids are awake and all hell breaks loose, and my day is over before it's even begun.  Wow, pain is bad tonight.  Hey, I wonder what's going on on Instagram!  No, I shouldn't turn my phone on.  Hmmm, wonder if there's anything new in the news in the last 30 minutes?  No, I shouldn't turn my phone on.  I should go take something for this pain.  Crap, I can't remember if we locked the doors.  Did I let Lilly back in?  Max is in her bed again.  Wilbur, stop growling!  It's your own tail, doofus!  I need to go find Lilly and take something for this pain.....

Fooourrrrrr......
Ugh.  Still awake.  Let's see, what's going on tomorrow?  Oh, Noah's breakfast, Avery has a make up day of school, and then swimming.  I wonder if Sharon knows about the breakfast?  I should ask her.  Wait, texting her at 2 am probably isn't such a good idea.  Breakfast with Jen, yay!  I'll get to see David.  Hmm.  I hope her back is better and heals.  I should pra--is that Wilbur growling at his tail again?  Geez cat, get a room!  And there's Max, up here because he's been ignored for 2 hours.  Just heard the cat door on Noah's door flip-flap, Jethro must be coming out for a potty and meal break.  Man, Shawn is snoring loud tonight!  I should move to the couch.  No, if I do that, I'll just throw off any chance that my eyes are already trying to rest.

Thhhhreeeee......
Hey!  Three rhymes with pee!  I should go do that.  Ugh.  Then I'll trip over the laundry baskets in the hallway.  I should do more laundry tomorrow.  And I think Noah needs to do his.  That reminds me, I need to add detergent to the list.  Oh, and I will have to go to Walmart again tomorrow.  I know I forgot a few things today.  How can I forget things when I practically live there?  Hmmm.  What else rhymes with three and pee?  Tea, bee, knee...

Twooooo......
What's that noise? Oh, it's Max purring.  In Lilly's bed.  I checked on the boys before I came to bed, but I don't know if Shawn re-checked.  I should go check on them again.  Then I can pee, fold the laundry in the hallway, write out my grocery list, and take that pain pill, too.  If I'm not going to sleep, I might as well be doing something.  Ugh.  But I don't want to get out of this warm bed!  If I'm going to be up, I should send that email.  And I forgot that board report for Chaplain Liz.  I wonder if Shawn found the stamp for that bill.  Did I pack the boys' lunches last night?  Crap, I can't remember. I should take something out of the freezer for dinner.  What to cook, what to coooookkkkk.....  Hey, cook rhymes with book....

One.
Snorrrreeee.......  WHAT WAS THAT???  Oh, great, the neighbor's rooster is already crowing.  Ugh.  It's 5:30.  Might as well go fix tea and start my day.

And that's how it begins.  The kids hear me up, and come running out.  Telling them to go back to bed does no good because they are in their rooms.  And it starts--Noah says something inappropriate, Avery copies him even after my admonishment, then Avery is bouncing on the trampoline, yelling, "DO YOU HAVE TICKETS TO THE GUN SHOW?" and singing Christmas carols at the top of his lungs, Noah is arguing about having to eat breakfast and brush his teeth...

And THAT, folks, is why I'm not funct...... zzzzzzzzz