When Grief Overwhelms

When I was picking up prescriptions the other day (without my boys, thank goodness), a women approached the pharmacist and tech, telling them she knew she hadn't seen them in a while, but just wanted to say a quick hello.

Both the pharmacist and tech turned white as bleached sheets, and looked as though they'd seen a ghost.  The pharmacist stammered for a moment, whispering, "Oh my goodness, we thought you'd died....."

The woman broke into a huge smile and began her story.  

Four years ago, this woman's doctors had given her less than 6 months to live.  They stopped all treatments, put her in hospice care, and the cancer continued to spread throughout her body.  Before the six months were up, the cancer miraculously stopped, and she, "... danced (her) way out of hospice care without a trace of cancer in (her) body and not a single cancer drug beating it!"

I could tell she has not squandered a moment of these past four years.  I could tell she knows to whom she owes this miracle to.  I could just feel the immense joy and gratitude rolling off her.  She is healed by the grace of God, and it is a beautiful, incredible, amazing thing.

My lips were trembling. My hands were shaking. I was sweating. My stomach was queasy. The tears were pushing their way out of my eyes.  I was silently willing my sweet pharmacy tech to please just hurry up and finish ringing me through so I could get out of there and get to my car before I completely broke down.  

Noticing my distress, she asked if I was okay.  "Oh! Mmm hmmm," I shook my head vigorously up and down, trying to look as upbeat as possible, responding with what I hoped looked like eagerness, as much as my body and emotions would possibly allow.

Once the tech handed the prescriptions to me, I nearly ran from the store to my car, where I broke down in sobs.  

I rejoiced for this woman and her family--oddly enough, many of my tears were from gratitude and absolute joy for her healing and this second chance she'd been given.  Oh my gosh, can you even imagine?  Just the sheer beauty of it!  How amazing, oh Abba, we praise You!  I could not contain myself and I just overflowed from the emotions I was feeling related to her healing.  

And on the other hand... 

I cannot contain my sadness.  At times, it feels unending. I am just so incredibly sad. And it just hurts.

But I wasn't angry with God as I cried.  I wasn't trying to rationalize anything, or argue with God or wonder why this woman got to live while my friend died.  

I was just--once again--overwhelmed with what feels like selfish sadness.

I just want my friend back.  

It's something I continue to struggle with.  Sadness.  Selfishness.  

Do I want Angie back?  Yes, I would give anything to hug her again, to hear her tell me she's not going anywhere, to just hang on to her as tight as I possibly can and not let go.   

But would I actually take her away from what she's experiencing right now?  Absolutely not.  That is the most selfish thing I could ever possibly do to a friend.      

I wrestle with my emotions so much.  I wrestle with what I know to be true.  I wrestle with the promises given to me by Abba.

I'm tired.  I'm worn.  I'm weary.

And I am just. so. sad. 

The Home Which Built Me

My parents divorced when Noah was a little older than Ezra.

At the time, it was the shock heard 'round our family.  

In retrospect, it should not have been.  All the signs were there.  They had been for years, but I was so self-involved with my own crap, I couldn't see any of them (didn't want to see any of them?).

It was around that time, perhaps a year or so later, Miranda Lambert's song The House that Built Me, came out.  Man, that song rocked me to my core.  It was everything I felt, and more, about the divorce and about losing the family home I'd grown up in.  It also then became about losing my grandmother's home I'd spent summers in, when my mother sold it as well, and losing the vast majority of whom I considered to be my family for my lifetime up until that point (including my parents and sister).  My family imploded, and relationships have been long lost.  

To this day, I still have to change the station when that song comes on.  It cuts so deep, I just cannot listen to it all the way through. The few times I have, I've always completely lost it.

Have you ever had a song (poem, book, anything) with that much power over you?

Tonight, as the kids played and the house was just alive with all of us, I hit play on YouTube for a soundtrack to our usual ridiculousness, and this particular song happened to rotate through.

I started to panic--today has been an awful, horrible weepy day for me.  I did not need this.  My family did not need this.  I did not want anymore emotion today.  I started to reach for my phone.  Turn this off.  NOW.  Make it stop.  PLEASE.  The littles were having fun.  Avery's face had been plastered with a huge grin, nothing but giggles escaping him all afternoon as he'd played with a visiting friend.  Shawn and Noah were messing around in the kitchen.  Ezra was getting in anywhere and everywhere he could.  I didn't want to ruin these precious moments for my family.  Selfishly, I didn't want to ruin these moments for myself.

Then it hit me.  I looked up, and I looked around, studying each person for just a moment, intently. 

The song still played, the words mere background noise to me.

This--right here, THIS is the home that built me.  These people--my beloved menfolk--and God, my friends, our church--it doesn't have anything to do with a building at all!  THIS is the home that rebuilt me. And the rooms in this 'home'?  Filled beyond belief with riches, more than I could ever imagine. THIS is where I found myself.  THIS is where I figured out who Amy is.  THIS is where and how I figured out the path God needs me to be on.  THIS is my home.  THIS is where I belong.

My loves, it has to do with the people! The people who love you more than anything and would do more than anything for you, and you would do more than anything for them, and The One who already has done more than anything for you--THIS is the home which has built you!  If you feel He hasn't, will you give Him the chance?  Will you give Him the opportunity?  Will you open your heart and your mind and your soul to the possibilities?  Please?  People will falter and will let us down--but God, oh my loves--God, and His son--they never will.  Look inside this home which has been so carefully and lovingly crafted just for you, and see the depths of love, and the deep burden which is carried only for you!  Will you please trust me on this one thing?

So tonight, for the first time since that song was released, I listened to the entire song without breaking down into body-breaking sobs.  Rather, I sat back and watched my family.  I smiled.  I laughed.  I gave praise.  And, I loved a lot harder.  

And that song took on an entirely new meaning for me.

And this, this right here?  THIS is the home which built me.

"By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures."

Proverbs 23:3-4