Sometimes, life with kids on the spectrum gets heavy.
Having three of them under one roof gets (insert your own personal choice of adjective here) HEAVY.
Honestly, I try to not think about it too much. If I think about it too much, it just gets heavier.
I know--I know--in the grand scheme of things, we're lucky. Our kids don't risk the chance of dying from autism. They won't lose a limb, or time out of their lives. We're lucky our kids are on the mild end of things. Most likely, with the proper interventions now, our kids will be able to function on their own as adults. They could attend college and have families if they want.
But sometimes, it's just. So. Much. When I stop to think about it.
So I try to not think about it.
But on days like today--I can't help but feel the weight of it all.
I can't help but hate autism just a little bit. I can't help but just be sick of all of it and want to scream, shout, yell, cry, throw things and hit things.
I'm so tired. That weary kind of tired, not the kind of tired sleep will fix.
It helps to lean on other parents who understand all of this.
Most of the time the weight turns to tears, but I genuinely hate feeling sorry for myself and my kids, and I don't like how it makes me feel like a victim.
Also--those floodgates. Oh, those red hot tears behind those floodgates. Those angry, anguished, maternal wails. That painful wailing which rises up from so incredibly deep inside me.
Today though, I had a much needed reminder of Who is really carrying all of this heavy weight for me. Who carries it for my kids. My very HELP. I was reminded whose Hand is in this, and on them.
I was reminded of the Light inside the heavy.
He is good. He. Is. GOOD. When nothing else feels good--God remains GOOD.
It is from Him where my peace comes from.
It is from Him my children, my answered prayers--heavy autism and all--are from.
I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1–2
