Reality Check

Several months ago, Shawn and I finally came to the conclusion that yes, after a few years of going back and forth on the decision, we really do want to add another child to our family. We've told our close friends who will pray for us, Noah and Avery, and our new addition, on this journey.  We've been pricing baby things again, strolling through the aisles of strollers, car seats, cribs, clothing and toys...  Fantasizing about what Child #3 will be like, whether we will have Daddy's Little Princess or another prince, what the baby's personality will be like, what she or he will look like--and so on. We've been making plans to add on to the house, and pay off the Jeep so we can up-size my vehicle.  If we have a girl, she's already named.  A boy--well, we're hoping that if we tell God we've run out of good boys' names....  Anyway.  :)

We planned to start trying this fall when the boys go back to school, and it's been a source of excitement for us.  Every time we see a baby, we both crumple into gooey puddles.  My friend lovingly and understandingly allows me to snuggle (and sniff) her adorable, happy seven month old.  Shawn and I smile at passing babies, congratulating new moms, while cooing, ohhing and ahhing at their babies.  We've watched Noah's riding instructor grow round with child, smiling, and grateful for her happiness and good health.  Oh, we've got the Baby Bug bad!

Foolishly, we thought it would be easier this time.  Even with my current health issues, much of it has felt under control, and we've gone along our merry way, planning and preparing.  After everything we went through with Avery's conception and pregnancy, we were praying for a break on this one.

Then we hit a bump in the road.  And all I want to do is cry.

My new doctor has been running many, many tests, and one of them was my progesterone level.  When the results came back, she explained to me that normal for a woman my age would be 200-300.  Then she showed me my level--12.  That's right, TWELVE.  Progesterone is the 'pregnancy hormone.' It's the one that helps you get pregnant, and stay pregnant.

Sooo.....  With a level like mine, pregnancy would be a miracle.  Staying pregnant would be an even bigger miracle.  Both Shawn and I had some tears over that reality.  It was hard to hear, especially after one miscarriage already.  It's very scary.  Even the mere thought itself of losing another child is painful.

The good news is my doctor said it's fixable.  With proper (natural) hormone therapy and supplements, we should have me on the road to recovery within a year.  That is optimistic, but possible.  I have begun the therapy, so we're on our way.  Another baby is still a possibility.

I'm doing my best to not see a down side to this.  Okay, so it delays things for a bit.  That will give us a little longer to get things in order and prepare better.  Then there's the side of me that wonders if this is God telling us a third child shouldn't be an option for us, or just flat out isn't.  As a Believer, I know this is all part of His plan, and it's up to me to only follow Him and wait it out while praying.

I'm not good at waiting, though.  I'm impatient.  I want to be better now.  I don't want it to take months, a year, or more.  I want it to be days, weeks.  My arms ache to hold my baby, to know the child I want so badly.

This time does give me better appreciation for the two miracles I do already have.  They fill my arms and my heart with love and joy.  Maybe that's the point.