I've been struggling with this one for about two weeks. I
just can't quite get it right. Yes, I am being deliberately evasive, not for
attention and pity (I don't want your pity, I want your prayers), but because I
just want things confirmed first, and really, it's just hard for me to talk
about right now. I just need to talk about what I can talk about, get it
out of my head, and leave it here, you know? I've rewritten the title
349827 times, and finally settled on Hebrew for "God is with us,"
because I know, without a doubt, He is. I tried doing research for my
paragraph about those dealing with fear, not doubt, but my head is so clouded,
I just really can't make words make sense. I tried doing research to
tackle the enemy at hand, and I can't make those words make sense, either.
I cry so much, my eyes are always red and my face is constantly puffy.
I need to vent and scream and rant that I'm not prepared for this. I want
to wake up and find out it's been a horrible nightmare. It's a weary,
kind of grief feeling. This is not who I am and I don't like it. I
just want to get my act together and keep it together.
Have you ever had a time when you've known without a doubt that
God is in a situation, you've seen Him with your own eyes, felt the massive,
powerful prayers of others surrounding you and your family--you know He's
right here--but you just can't find the energy to pray yourself? Your
energy is concentrated most on keeping breathing, keeping your head above
water, keeping one foot in front of the other, convincing everyone you're fine,
because you are just so overwhelmed by the situation before you?
I'm sure you have, and possibly more
than once. Oh, dear one, I hope not.
Motherhood can be overwhelming at times. Everyday things
aside, we can find ourselves battling the enemy in hand to hand combat for our
children. We can find ourselves facing diagnoses we aren't prepared for.
Sometimes we might even find ourselves facing those diagnoses in more
than one child at a time. Perhaps another child is in the midst of
growing pains, as well--the one child who is supposed to be making your life
easy! Life is just swirling right around all around you, and you can't quite
seem to get a grasp.
And we have to handle it all--with
grace, in high heels, while walking backwards, right?
I've been blown away by God's presence recently, but I'm still
emotionally drained. I can barely function, and I'm scared. I know
we will handle whatever comes down the pike with God by our sides, but I'm
scared for my boys and their futures. I am reassured by a mentor who
comforts me, saying this is normal, and okay. There's
a word I still can't form, even in my head. I'm filled with so much fear,
but leaning entirely on God, because there is no other direction to go. There are many Christians who
would doubt the strength of my faith, and even my faith itself, because of my
fear. I would like to point them to the bible, to the many people in it
who still had fear, but did God's work anyway. They had fear, not doubt.
There's a difference. I do not doubt my Abba. (I actually spent
some time last night attempting to parse out the difference between doubt and
fear with a friend. My brain is not up to par however, I really can't put
it into words.) God is in the friendships I have--the friendships HE
has given me; He is in the devout, fervent prayers said by those friends as
they hit their knees in the names of my children; He was in the two complete
strangers He had waiting in the doctor's office lobby to comfort me when I
broke down into sobs; He is in the doctors, therapists and mentors He has
provided for my children; He is in the everyday things I find reminding me He
has not, will not forsake my children. I am
constantly reminded that my children were His miracles before they became mine,
and they are His children before they are mine. God loves them with a
love I cannot possibly fathom, no matter how much I love them.
I've seen too much to doubt God. I've seen too much to not
have faith that will move mountains. I've seen too much to not believe He
will use this for His good. I also know that what comes of this may not
be immediate, it could be years from now, and it could even be a testimony we
won't necessarily get to see. What I do know is this: As we tell
our story, there is only One Name we proclaim.
