Immanuel

I've been struggling with this one for about two weeks.  I just can't quite get it right. Yes, I am being deliberately evasive, not for attention and pity (I don't want your pity, I want your prayers), but because I just want things confirmed first, and really, it's just hard for me to talk about right now.   I just need to talk about what I can talk about, get it out of my head, and leave it here, you know?  I've rewritten the title 349827 times, and finally settled on Hebrew for "God is with us," because I know, without a doubt, He is.  I tried doing research for my paragraph about those dealing with fear, not doubt, but my head is so clouded, I just really can't make words make sense.  I tried doing research to tackle the enemy at hand, and I can't make those words make sense, either.  I cry so much, my eyes are always red and my face is constantly puffy.  I need to vent and scream and rant that I'm not prepared for this. I want to wake up and find out it's been a horrible nightmare.  It's a weary, kind of grief feeling.  This is not who I am and I don't like it.  I just want to get my act together and keep it together.

Have you ever had a time when you've known without a doubt that God is in a situation, you've seen Him with your own eyes, felt the massive, powerful prayers of others surrounding you and your family--you know He's right here--but you just can't find the energy to pray yourself?  Your energy is concentrated most on keeping breathing, keeping your head above water, keeping one foot in front of the other, convincing everyone you're fine, because you are just so overwhelmed by the situation before you?

I'm sure you have, and possibly more than once.  Oh, dear one, I hope not. 

Motherhood can be overwhelming at times.  Everyday things aside, we can find ourselves battling the enemy in hand to hand combat for our children.  We can find ourselves facing diagnoses we aren't prepared for.  Sometimes we might even find ourselves facing those diagnoses in more than one child at a time.  Perhaps another child is in the midst of growing pains, as well--the one child who is supposed to be making your life easy!  Life is just swirling right around all around you, and you can't quite seem to get a grasp.  

And we have to handle it all--with grace, in high heels, while walking backwards, right?   

I've been blown away by God's presence recently, but I'm still emotionally drained.  I can barely function, and I'm scared.  I know we will handle whatever comes down the pike with God by our sides, but I'm scared for my boys and their futures.  I am reassured by a mentor who comforts me, saying this is normal, and okay.  There's a word I still can't form, even in my head.  I'm filled with so much fear, but leaning entirely on God, because there is no other direction to go.  There are many Christians who would doubt the strength of my faith, and even my faith itself, because of my fear.  I would like to point them to the bible, to the many people in it who still had fear, but did God's work anyway.  They had fear, not doubt.  There's a difference.  I do not doubt my Abba. (I actually spent some time last night attempting to parse out the difference between doubt and fear with a friend.  My brain is not up to par however, I really can't put it into words.)  God is in the friendships I have--the friendships HE has given me; He is in the devout, fervent prayers said by those friends as they hit their knees in the names of my children; He was in the two complete strangers He had waiting in the doctor's office lobby to comfort me when I broke down into sobs; He is in the doctors, therapists and mentors He has provided for my children; He is in the everyday things I find reminding me He has not, will not forsake my children.  I am constantly reminded that my children were His miracles before they became mine, and they are His children before they are mine.  God loves them with a love I cannot possibly fathom, no matter how much I love them.  

I've seen too much to doubt God.  I've seen too much to not have faith that will move mountains.  I've seen too much to not believe He will use this for His good.  I also know that what comes of this may not be immediate, it could be years from now, and it could even be a testimony we won't necessarily get to see.  What I do know is this:  As we tell our story, there is only One Name we proclaim.