Gratitude

As we enter this week of Thanksgiving, as well as the season of celebration of Jesus' birth, I'm reflecting on all the thoughts I've had recently, the arguments I've had inside my own brain, and the conversations Shawn and I have had.

Truth be told, I've been dreading this season.  All the anniversaries, the reminders, the memories.  I don't want them.  I've been afraid I'll screw up Christmas all over again for my kids.

I'm trying to be mindful of this, of my emotions, my grief, of my children's reactions and their needs. My children need me more than I need to continue clinging to this hurricane.

I have so much to be grateful for.

I've spent the last year mourning my friend and my sister.  At times I've been angry and bitter--usually with myself.  I've been filled with regrets.  I've had so many this isn't how it's supposed to be moments, which have brought me to my knees and wracked my body with sobs.  I've lost my words, my ability to pray and praise, and my happiness.  I've neglected my family in ways I might chastise someone else for.  This journey through grief is not something I asked for, and at times I've shaken my fist at it and cursed it's very name.  This is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.  It's been a rough go.

And yet--we're surviving.  Maybe not always, every day, but somehow, we're making it through, slowly, hour by hour.

As I look around at the many people God has surrounded our family with throughout this time, I realize--when He says He will carry you, He means it.  Even when I haven't wanted to see it, even when I haven't wanted to like Abba, He has remained faithful.  He has surrounded us with friends who have carried my children, myself and my husband.  He surrounds me with my children and my husband.  My 10 year old, who has shouldered more burden than a child should, who prays over me, holds my hand, senses my needs, and is allowing God to use him in fantastic ways.  My sweet husband, who carries me when I can't function, believes in me, and gently encourages me to the other side.

I wouldn't have made it to this point without any of them.

This season, I'm desperately clinging to the hem of Jesus' garment.  I need this hope.  My family needs this hope.  I am concentrating on gratitude.  My family needs to see me concentrating on gratitude.

Yes, I lost two people I love dearly.

But, mourning them continually, forsaking my own--this is not living to honor their lives.  I can just imagine the lecture my friend would give me right now!  I have to remember, death was only just the beginning for Nancy and Angie--it was not the end!  And I should rejoice in that--my children are watching.  It's okay to be happy, it's okay to laugh, it's okay to play with my kids and be silly--in fact, it's more than okay, it's necessary.  It's okay to get back to what qualifies as normal around here.  It's also still okay to be sad and allow the tears to flow when I need to.

Again, Abba is teaching me gratitude.  He is teaching me to lean on Him--not myself, not the world, not anywhere or anyone else.  He is opening my eyes and my heart, doing some deep soul-work. He is sowing the seeds of something in me.

My children need to know I value them above the memories of my friend and sister.  They need to know they are more important than the regrets I carry.  Not just know, but they need to see, to feel they are more important.  I also need to stop adding to those regrets and get back to living.  My children need that security I ripped out from under them.  They need their Mama back.

I have a family who has not given up on me.  I have three incredible children here, right now, who need me to be Mama.  They need me to be present and whole.  I have an amazing husband who prays daily to have his happy, 'normal' wife back.  I have wonderful friends who encourage me, check on me, love me, pray for me and speak the hard truth in love when I need to hear it.

Yes, I have so much to be grateful for, yesterday, today and tomorrow.