I See You, and I Hear You

Last year sometime, there was some 'crisis' of sorts on one of the shows Shawn and I watch.  The parental couple started going through marriage counseling, and one morning during breakfast, after the wife spoke her opinion on a matter, the husband said to her, "I see you, and I hear you."  Their adult children were pleasantly mystified by this change in their father, and the crisis was solved.  If only real life were that simple.

When Shawn and I first saw that tv episode, I see you and I hear you kind of became a joke with us.  We saw and heard each other about everything, from passing the vegetables at dinner, to matters pertaining to the children.  And we had great laughs over it.  Then we realized, that even in our great marriage, we were missing the point.  Without even discussing it, we began to see and hear each other over the more serious matters.  Seeing and hearing each other has ended many arguments before they've even begun, prevented the I'm right, you're wrong and I told you so mentalities and just made us better with each other.  This became another way of telling each other that we love and care about us.

This has been a bad week for me.  My physical pain has been sky high.  Things get interesting when your body doesn't cooperate with your brain.  Throw some Vicodin in with that, and you've got a party.  My emotional pain has been a little on edge too.  I hurt, plain and simple.  I don't want to be fixed (well, okay, maybe just a little), I just want to be validated.

Shawn, God love him, just wants to fix me.  He wants me to laugh.  He wants my brain and body to cooperate with each other.  He wants the Vicodin back in the lockbox on the top shelf, where it belongs.  He just wants his wife back, plain and simple.  Not being able to slay what ails his wife leaves my dear husband feeling helpless.  He just wants to be validated in his tough-fix-it-manly-husbandness.

Shawn understands that no matter how badly he wants to fix me, he can't.  What he can do for me is see me and hear me.  And most of the time, that's what I really want, and that's all I really need.  In a way, being able to see me and hear me validates him and leaves him feeling less helpless.  When we both see and hear each other on these matters, we both feel better.

So often, that's all any of us really need.  When my friend and I talk, she knows I can't fix her problems, and sadly, no matter how badly I want to fix them for her, I know I can't.  What I can do though, is listen. I can validate her, her feelings, her emotions.  I can see her and hear her.  She does the same for me (and I am so glad she does).  We find ourselves saying something to each other, then saying, "Thank you.  I just needed someone to know that.  I just needed to be able to say that out loud."  We don't need to hear that we're wrong, we don't need to be judged for what we're saying, we don't want advice, or to hear I told you so.  Again, seeing and hearing each other, validating each other's feelings, is how we tell each other that we love and care about us.

When people comes to the center where I volunteer, they don't want to be fixed.  They come to us because they are tired of people trying to fix them.  They are tired of hearing they need to get over their pain or grief, that they need to move on with their lives, they are tired of unwanted advice and of being ignored.  What they want, is be to be seen and heard.

Imagine what this world would be like if we all took the time to see and hear each other.  How would it be if we truly stopped to see and hear the cashier who is having a bad day, the gentleman who holds the door open for us, the new mom with the baby who cries all night, the single parent who is exhausted?  Think about it....  Just a smile, a handshake, eye contact, even a hug.  That could be all it takes for that one person that day.

This is what God does for us.  I personally don't believe He is in the business of fixing, at least, not in the human sense.  Neither is he in the business of telling us I told you so.  Instead, He hears us and He sees us.  In doing so, He loves us unconditionally, He cares about us, He validates us as His children.  He never leaves us.  We are always important to us.  In hearing us and seeing us, we are daily granted His grace and mercy.  This is one of His many gifts to us.

Seeing a person and hearing a person tells them that we care.  It tells them that they, their feelings and their problems are important to us.  So often, this is a gift we can give each other, to just listen, to not talk, but to just be there with our eyes and ears, without judgement, without advice, without empty promises or fake compassion.