Explaining Things, Thinking Them Through

There's a lot on my mind.  It needs to get out, or I'll never get past this.

Our nation is mourning the loss of 28 lives, 20 of them children under the age of 7.  This is hardly something any of us can explain or even begin to comprehend.  We are lifting these families up in prayer, holding our own families a little tighter, all of us eager for the answer to one question:  WHY?

I'm not sure we'll get that answer.  At least, not one that satisfies any of us.  How could it?  The inexplicable, every parent's worst nightmare, has happened, in one single breath.  It is possible this is something we won't ever understand or receive answers to.

I do know that this is not a time for platforms or debates on gun control, or even mental health care. This is not a time for guessing or pointing fingers, or spreading hypotheses and unconfirmed diagnoses.   We all need something, someone, to blame, but this is not the time.  These were lives, loved ones, human beings--children--not political forums.  Some will argue with me, if not now, when?  I don't know, but I do know now is not the time.  Now is the time to mourn, to allow for prayer, healing and blessings.  Then we celebrate the lives lost, and honor them properly.

As a mom, I still continue to weep openly for the loss these other parents are feeling.  It is incomprehensible to me.  I can't even begin to imagine what life would be like without my children. I don't want to imagine life without them. This is how the reality has hit us, me and my two closest friends: reading through the names, there was a Benjamin, a Noah, and an Emilee.  My heart hurts in ways I never knew possible--it physically hurts.

Avery was with me Friday and he sat snuggled in my lap all afternoon, but I waited all day, impatiently, for Noah to arrive home.  It took everything I had to not run up to his school and pick him up early.  It took everything I had to not run up our street to grab him up in a hug the second his bus pulled up.  When I saw him coming down our driveway though, I ran out of our front door and grabbed him up, crying openly and gratefully for the safety of my own child.  I explained to him a little bit of what had happened, and just told him I was glad he was safe.  Shawn and I had already agreed we'd talk with him further after Avery went to bed, and hopefully, after we'd learned more.  As the day wore on, I watched my kids closely, just grateful they were within reach and there for me to hug and smother with love.

That evening after Avery went to bed, we sat down with Noah in his bed.  Many of the things we talked about with him were the same things other parents were discussing with their kids that night.  Things we shouldn't have to talk about with our kids, but in our society, they've become topics we have to address.  Things like, if you hear something that sounds like a gun, it probably is, get down and stay safe; if you hear someone at school threaten violence, even if you think they might be joking, notify an adult immediately and allow the adults to make that sort of decision; if you see someone at school who doesn't look like he/she belongs there, tell an adult immediately.  It boggles a parent's mind to have to talk about these things, to have to say "Stay safe today, I love you" as our children leave for school, a place they should naturally be safe.  Something else we addressed with Noah was personal responsibility and self control; how something might seem like a good idea at the time, but you always have to think of the long term consequences.  It is never okay to hurt someone else.  Accountability, self control and responsibility are not options for Noah, they are MUSTS. We also talked with Noah about the tragedy itself, how we need to pray for the families, that there aren't any answers or reasons why; we kept the details simple and short.  I found myself thinking this was a conversation I shouldn't have to have with my child, but there were we.

And, true to form, this is where my post takes a turn.  This is where it becomes about my family.

Because of many of the rumors going through the media, Shawn and I couldn't be sure what Noah would hear when he returned to school today, so we felt we needed to address those with him also, for his sake.  There are many rumors circulating that this man had a personality disorder and learning disabilities, that he may have had Asperger's Syndrome, OCD and ADHD (several news outlets have even incorrectly identified AS, OCD and ADHD as learning disorders and disabilities).  The media have described him as mentally ill.  He was described by family friends and acquaintances as brilliant yet shy, genius-level yet solitary and closed off.  The media have pointed their fingers at these descriptions and possibilities, saying, "There's your answer, folks.  That's why he did it."  We have yet to hear a physician confirm any of this, yet to hear an actual diagnosis from the police investigators, but the media are running wild with it.  Without facts, without anyone coming forward telling us for certain these were this man's diagnoses, these friends, acquaintances, family members, teachers, reporters and so-called experts are engaging in pure speculation and gossip, all in the name of being part of the spotlight, and trying to answer the unanswerable. In trying to answer the unanswerable, they are inadvertently providing excuses for this man's actions, and in some ways, any future actions someone else might take.

This truly has my Mommy Hackles up.  I'm feeling extra protective of Noah right now, as his mom I'm feeling more defensive than I have in a long time, ready to pounce on the first person who looks at my son cross-eyed.  These are all words and phrases that have been used to describe my son by one person or another.  Noah does have Asperger's, OCD and ADHD.  Noah is highly intelligent, he's socially awkward, he can be solitary, there are times he can be a bit of an odd duck.  He has also been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  Noah receives medication and counseling, and his needs are more than taken care of.  My son is not a bad person, nor do any of these diagnoses make him so.  My child is not mentally disturbed, he is not learning disabled, he is not disordered or diseased or ill.  Noah is not bad.  This man was bad. He made truly awful, bad, tragic choices.  If, in fact he did have one or any of these diagnoses, they were not what made him bad, they did not make him make these choices, they did not lead him to murder 20 children, 6 adults, his mother, and himself.  What it comes down to for me is teaching our children personal responsibility, self control and rules.  It is not about providing excuses for one's behavior.

These are the things we covered with Noah.  We've never allowed Noah to use his diagnoses as excuses for not being able to do something.  It might take him a different way, or a little longer than others, but he can do just about everything anyone else can do.  We've made it clear to Noah that in a court of law, and in life in general, he would be/is held to the same accountability as everyone else, and it's something we continue to reiterate with him due to his lack of inner filters.  My child is capable.  My son is compassionate, he's loving, he's funny, and there are some things that can only be attributed to Asperger's that are my favorite things about him.  We stressed to Noah that he is not bad, we talked about the rumors being circulated in the media, things he might hear at school, things he might be told by others.  We talked with him about choices, about the difference between being good and being bad, and how his diagnoses have nothing to do with any of that.  We are very upset, very concerned, very disturbed by how Autism and Asperger's are now being perceived by the media, we are discouraged by how this could affect Noah's view of himself, upset that others who are just as ignorant will feed off this media coverage and see something in Noah that isn't there.  Again, as we were talking to Noah about all of this, I found myself thinking....  "I shouldn't have to have this kind of conversation with my child."  But there we were.

My prayers are for our entire nation, for the families immediately affected by this tragedy, for the first responders, for the entire Newtown community.  My prayers are for a better understanding throughout our world of Autism and Asperger's Syndrome.  My prayers are for healing and hope, peace and strength.

At the end of the day, I am grateful for the safety of my children, and I'm grateful for them--chaos, craziness, Asperger's, toddlerhood, and all.  I am grateful to live life in left field.