The Devil is in the Ingredients

Sooo....  It's been a while.  I think this is the longest I've ever gone without posting.  It's not for lack of having something to say--you know me, I always have plenty to say!  I've been more tired than usual, busy with the boys, busy with life--and yes, avoiding things.  Too many things are too painful to discuss, so I've been hibernating.  That's typically what I do during winter, anyway--hibernate.  If I believed in such a thing, I might believe I were a bear in a former life!

I have distributed the video games to the boys (bad Mommy!), and sent them to Noah's room, so maybe I can have a few minutes to myself to update y'all on the latest.  Heck, if I have a few moments to myself, maybe I should go sneak in a nap....

I recently saw a new doctor.  After researching and searching, I figured out that what I really needed is a hormone specialist.  For the past year or so, I've been trying to get my doctors to pay attention to my thyroid and a few other things (like the fact that I've been having a period 2-3 times a month...), but they've all sworn everything is fine.  THEN HOW COME I DON'T FEEL FINE??????  I mean, besides all the ways I already don't feel fine, of course.  Apparently no one has the answer for that--or they do (it's all in my head), and they just aren't willing to tell me.

I ventured out of my comfort zone and found a holistic hormone specialist.  I really wasn't sure what to expect, but I knew that having tried just about everything else, and having seen every other expert at world-renowned hospitals, I owed it to myself and my family.  We had nothing to lose, and maybe even something to gain.

This doctor began her career as a traditional MD, which I liked, but quickly realized she could not treat her patients "the way they deserve to be treated, and need to be treated within the confines of traditional medicine," which I loved.  She sat with me for two hours, took a more detailed medical history than any other physician ever has, and carefully explained to me we're not dealing with just twelve years of crap, we're going all the way back to my first ear infection, and dealing with 36 years of crap--asthma, allergies, antibiotics, steroids, other various medications, life stressors and unhealthy ways of dealing with them--and so on.  I'm telling you, just having her listen to me released a huge weight from my shoulders.  I no longer felt crazy, I felt validated and reassured.  I also dared to feel hope, and to think that there could be pain-free, weakness-free, exhaustion-free days in my future.

Pending lab results, she has tentatively diagnosed Hashimoto's (I KNEW there was something hinky with my thyroid!), hypoglycemia (which should clear up with lifestyle/dietary changes), adrenal fatigue (which actually sounds more like adrenal COMA in my case), gluten intolerance and possibly dairy/casein intolerance.  She is keeping the fibromyalgia diagnosis for now, and people--WE ARE DITCHING THE POLYMYOSITIS DIAGNOSIS!  Most likely, the muscle inflammation originally diagnosed as Polymyositis is caused by the gluten problems.  That's interesting to me, because it's been a theory of mine for a while--and I finally have a doctor confirming it.  I went through a gluten intolerance checklist she gave me; scoring a 4-5 meant there could be a problem, go ahead and try a GF diet and see what happens, anything over 9 meant you most likely have a problem.  I SCORED A 20.  Yes, you read that correctly--a TWENTY.  Gluten intolerant much?!?!

So what does all of this mean?  Well, for starters--I've got to revamp my dietary lifestyle.  Completely.  My doctor recommends a dairy free diet at the same time one tries gluten free, and honestly, that's the part that is truly killing me.  There is nothing I love more than CHEESE.  And cooking with butter?  Oh yeah.  I've only been at it (and if I'm being honest, it hasn't been full-on at it yet) for about a week and a half, but the first few nights I actually dreamt about cake, frosting and Cheez Its.  One night, I even dipped the Cheez Its in the frosting in my dream.  I haven't had my chai, or Starbucks, in nearly two weeks, and it's been six days without soda (I'm dying.....). I have yet to really get a handle on the baking and cooking aspect, so I'm kind of surviving on spinach, coconut milk yogurt, carrot sticks and apples (why have I not dropped 30 pounds yet??).  Along with the GDDF lifestyle changes, I also need to start an adrenal diet that lasts for 2-6 weeks.  This is a very bland diet centered around changing your brain and your body to new ways of thinking and eating, ridding yourself of the sugar cravings, resetting the hormone imbalances that have occurred due to eating improperly, and so on.  There were also some exercise recommendations, but seriously, I don't really have the energy yet for that.  I know  exercise and energy are related--you get the energy when you exercise--but you also need to have that energy to begin with!  And while it's still a matter of having the energy to play with my kids or do what needs doing as a mom and wife, vs. exercising, we'll see.   Dr H has also started me on a few new supplements and vitamins, replacing some of the ones I was already taking, removing some of the others, and keeping a few I still need.  For now, I am still on all the other prescription meds as well (and I'll continue to see my other doctors), but the hope is that we can undo all that's been done inside of a year, and I will be able to come off those meds!  I just can't even imagine a life without pain, mood swings and depression, prescription medications, doctors upon doctors and everything else we've been through.  Wow!

I will tell you that withdrawal from all of this SUCKS.  I know I will be healthier for it, and around longer because of these lifestyle changes, but seriously, I'm the one who has always chosen frosting over a carrot stick.   I would love to pull into Starbucks and order several gallons of chai. I would give my right hand for brie that won't make me sick. And right now, there's a gluten-FULL loaf of bread on my counter that looks delicious, and homemade buttercream frosting in my fridge....  Yep, you know where I'm going with that one!  I've been a super b**** on wheels since starting all of this (thank goodness for Shawn's patience!), and I do feel a little deprived.  At the same time, I know that will go away as I learn more and expand my food horizons.  My pain has increased quite a bit, and I've had headaches almost every day, but again, I'm sure that's related to my desperate body trying to hang on to the last bit of crap left inside it.

I do plan to keep up with my regular gluten-full baking.  As of right now, I'm the only one on these diets (although, if it works for me, I'm tempted to switch the boys over to it also and see how they do), so my family still needs to eat. Family meals will be GFDF, and they'll just have to deal, but otherwise, their foods will not be GF for the most part. I also still need to do my baking for work, and I can't expect everyone to switch over because of me.  I will continue to learn new recipes in the gluten world while I learn how to conquer the GFDF world!

I have been blessed with others emptying their pantries into mine with their unused GF cooking and baking products, and I am so grateful for it.  There is a lot of good advice out there, and another mom in Avery's class has been a wealth of help and encouragement.  My support network has expanded, and I feel very positive about this.  There's definitely been some frustration (realizing that if something is GFDF, it's probably not soy free!), and a little bit of anger.  I'm going through the whole grief 'thing,' but really, this is just another new normal I need to accept in the ever-fluctuating trials of life.  And truly, I'd rather have to accept this new normal than take more pills that don't work, and see more doctors who haven't a clue.

Looking forward to feeling better... In left field.