I'm speaking this Saturday.... And I haven't written my little talk yet, so here I am, procrastinating! Actually, I'm really hoping this will get my creative juices flowing. I've put it off because the subject is Self Worth--something I'm not sure I really know too much about, quite honestly. But here I am! This truly is a very disjointed, free-thinking/free association rough draft, so please pardon the mess! I'm really worried this is going to end up sounding like some L'Oreal commercial!
Anyway.
A few weeks ago, we started planning our Spring Tea at the center. This year's will be a fundraiser, but it will still be the same forum as in years past--except that I'm speaking. About self worth.
WAIT. WHAT?!?!?!!
I feel so un-knowledgable about this subject, so why I am writing about it? Well, that part was up to God. When one of my mentors from the center called to ask me to speak, for once I was speechless. I really didn't know what to say, other than "I'll have to think about it." My mind was racing with the Enemy's words: "You're not worthy of such an honor! What could you possibly have to say that would be important enough to share with others? Surely they've got someone better in mind!" I know my mentor heard all of that in my hesitation; she gently and kindly told me to pray on it, and we hung up. I immediately texted one of my best friends with, "WHAT IS SHE THINKING???" and told her what had just transpired. Sharon texted back, "That you're worthy and awesome and capable of doing this! She wouldn't have asked you if she didn't think so! DUH." OHMYGOSH, the pressure.
This is what I heard next: A big, booming voice, telling me gently that I AM worthy of this honor, and that is exactly what I would speak about--being worthy. Being worthy of Christ's grace and mercy, Christ's love, Christ's sacrifice. Just plain being worthy of HIM. Then He told me to be sure to call my mentor back and make sure she knew I was saying yes. *sigh* It's comical to me when Sharon and God echo each other. Well, sometimes it is--other times it isn't!!--because sometimes they're telling me things I'm really not ready to hear. LALALALALALA....
Really, God? Self worth? Are ya sure?
Oh, if you could only really understand the irony here! I have begged and pleaded with God for a simpler topic, something I am more knowledgable of, but He isn't having it. I then resorted to procrastinating, but now my house is more spotless and organized than ever, the dog is exhausted from playing, all my people are at school or work so the house is quiet--so here I am, banging my head against the keyboard.
WORTHINESS is something I've struggled with the majority of my life. There are many earthly people I haven't felt worthy of and have been made to feel not worthy of. My self esteem is usually dragging somewhere behind me, tripping myself up, so I've placed myself last, as the unimportant person. Growing up, I always associated even a good, healthy self esteem with arrogance, and arrogant was something I did not want to be. I can be humble, I'm good at that. The thing is though, I take humility to an Eeyore level, rather than keeping it at a Godly level. I've never been good at acknowledging my gifts, or taking compliments.
I suppose then it makes sense that being worthy of Christ's sacrifice is something I would struggle with also. What do you mean I don't have to do anything to earn His grace? Are you sure? As Christians, we learn that Christ would've made that sacrifice for each individual person, which has always left me in awe, and truthfully, skeptical at times. After all, I'm not worthy of that kind of sacrifice. I've never done anything to deserve it! Matthew 10:30 tells us about His love for each individual child of His--if He cares enough about the birds, He cares enough to know the number of hairs on our heads because we are worth more to Him than the birds.
That's the best part though, and the part I struggle with the most, still--not having to deserve it. Why would He care enough to know how many hairs I have??? "Because you are My daughter, child, and because I put them there."
Because I am scientifically trained, I decided to approach this from a more scientific standpoint, and looked up what good ol' Webster had to say about self worth: "the sense of one's own value or worth as a person; self-esteem; self-respect." I also looked up worthy: "having worth or value; honorable, meritorious; having sufficient worth."
Okay, well, those definitions explain why I struggle with my self worth! But that still wasn't the answer I was looking for.
A friend found Hebrews 4:16 for me: "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." So I chewed on that for a few minutes.... I've been to the throne. I HAVE RECEIVED HIS GRACE AND MERCY. I have been healed by the Lord Himself. Annndddd why? BECAUSE I'M WORTHY.
Because the scientific approach didn't work, I tackled this subject from my mommy perspective. What do I tell my boys about their worthiness? Well, every day I remind them that they're good enough, they're smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like them! I remind them how much they are loved and liked simply because of who they are: MY children, and of course, God's children. Do my kids have to do anything to earn my love? Absolutely not. They are worthy of my love and grace simply because they are my children. They don't have to do anything to deserve me and my love, they simply receive it. Would I sacrifice myself for my children's safety? In a heartbeat. Do my children need to do anything to prove their worthiness to me? No, never. I love them because they are my children, plain and simple. They are worthy of me, my grace, my mercy and my love because they are my children. My children are worthy to me, but if I were to try to place a price on them, I could not--because they are priceless to me, and I cherish them.
Ohhhh.
There's my eternal struggle--by birthright, I am God's child. He lives in my heart, I have accepted Him. But what have I done to deserve such a love? I've certainly done plenty to disappoint Him over the past 3 and 1/2 decades, but what I have I done to truly deserve Him? That's the part I struggle with, not having to do anything to EARN His love. I don't have to be pretty, or perfect, or smart, or the best little ministry worker, I don't have to be the best mom or wife, I don't have to scrub my floors until they shine, or even smile at every stranger I see when I'm having a grumpy day. I don't have to pray and sing praise 500 times a day. Simply put, I'm worthy of Him, His grace and His mercy because I am His daughter. He is my Provider, my Father, my Counselor, my Prayer Warrior, my Secret Keeper, my Everything. All He asks in return is for all of me. All I have to do is accept His grace. All I have to do is receive. Earlier, I said that I've always placed myself last--but God places me first. I've always tried to imagine how God places priority on prayers and His children, so right now I'm imagining all of us lined up as first--how does that work???? That's the thing about God, in sacrificing His son for us, He placed us all first.
Yes, I am worth the all-inclusive IT. Because I am God's fearfully, wonderfully made child. He knows every struggle, every triumph, every joy and sadness I will encounter in this life. He has written my story in His book, and in that story, He has written about this struggle with worthiness so I can share it with you, so I can remind you that you too, are worthy. A reminder that as daughters and sons of the King, we are not just worthy, we are priceless.
So here I stand, before you today, worthy because I am His daughter.
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