Thirteen Years

Thirteen years ago, I gave birth to a little boy.  I'll be honest--he was a baby I wasn't sure I wanted, and I certainly wasn't ready for.  That first year, I wanted to give up so many times I lost count.  I almost did more times than I ever want to admit.  

Thirteen years ago I was given a gift I frequently took for granted, and often still do.

Thirteen years later, I'm grateful we hung in there.  I've learned more from that little baby than I ever could hope to teach him.  He's taught me about life, love, happiness, and even about myself.  He's taught me about heartache, loss, and true sadness.  He's taught me about faith, hope and never giving up, always putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how much sludge we're trudging through.  He's taught me how to be okay after great, unbearable loss.  I didn't give life to him, so much as he's given life to me.

Thirteen years later, I call us survivors.  We've overcome so much, on our own, and together.  I can't imagine life without him.  I don't ever want to have to imagine life without him.  We still don't have it together, but we're learning together, and that is what matters.

Today, my Timothy Noah Paul is officially a teenager.  I've watched him grow and mature, stumble and get back up.  I've kissed his wounds, raised bloody hell in his defense, sealed his heart with my own.  I've watched him venture out into the world with a mixture of pride, fear, trepidation, maternal anguish, frustration and fierce love.  I've had both tears and laughter well up from depths within me I never knew were there.

I'm proud of you Noah.  I love you fiercely, always and forever.  I love your heart, your sensitivity for animals, the way you just keep trying even when you want to give up.  I love our Uno games, our private talks, our deep discussions, our silly moments.  I love when you reveal a part of yourself to me, when you share something, trusting me with it.  I love how you've overcome challenges that would have stopped others.  I love watching you when you ride, the freedom and joy you have on those horses.  I love YOU.  You are my child, my pride, my joy. No matter what you do in life, I will always look upon you proudly, saying "That's MY boy."

Happy 13th birthday, Noah.  I love you.

Saving Grace

It's been another one for the books.  Good grief, aren't they all????

My kids have been home from school for 8--EIGHT--days.  Factoring in weather, a post-exam break, and more weather, they haven't seen a full week of school since before their winter break.  We've done our best to keep busy, but cabin fever has set in quite readily.  I've been just a *little* emotional, and prone to frustrated, exhausted tears the past few days.

An hour ago, this was going to be a much different post.  Over the past 7 days, I've been trying to refill Noah's ADHD medication.  I've been to, or called, so many pharmacies I've lost count.  I started crying about 10 ago.  At a few, I may have ranted how this recent shortage has left my child high and dry, and unmedicated.  Millions of kids on this medication, mine is one of the few hundred thousand who truly need it in order to function, but I can't access it for him because of our overmedicated society.  We went through this last month, but were finally able to get it through our regular pharmacy.  This time, I was told by several pharmacies that they weren't sure anyone in our area has been able to get it in several weeks.  It's not as though I'm waiting until the last minute to fill this prescription, I'm starting out as soon as insurance will clear it.  I keep thinking, it really should not be this hard to get my hands on the one thing that helps Noah function.  The hardest part in this is when Noah blames himself--"Well, if I didn't have autism and ADHD, you wouldn't have to go through this and it wouldn't be an issue."  I can't make him see he has no control over any of it, and neither do I.  Not only that, but aside from it being my job as his mom, I want to be able to provide him with the one thing that truly helps him.

Noah is unable to take just any ADHD medication.  With the autism factor, many of the ones we tried made him manic.  Manic Noah is even less fun than Just Plain Out of Control Noah.  It was debilitating, and emotionally damaging, for him to realize he literally had no control physical control over what he was saying and doing.  We're talking running out of his seat in the middle of the sermon to do jumping jacks and shout as he counted kind of lack of control....  So, we found this one that works, and I plan to stick with it as long as possible.  I do not want to put Noah through any more med changes and mishaps if I absolutely do not have to.

The whole way home, I kept praying, "Come on God, PLEASE give this mama a much needed break."  I knew that if I didn't find something today, I wouldn't be able to send him to school tomorrow because he won't be able to function.

I had one last resort before I called the manufacturer and unleashed my wrath upon whatever poor soul happened to answer the phone:  A small locally owned pharmacy.  I called, in tears of course, and explained our situation.  I'm really not sure I even made sense to the pharmacist.  He doesn't carry it in stock, but had a game plan in play before we even hung up ten minutes later, and before I was in his parking lot five minutes after that.  When I thanked him profusely, he made me laugh by saying it really isn't rocket science, any pharmacist could've, and should've, done it.  That may be so, but to this mama, it really was rocket science because no one else had been willing to help until we happened upon him.

I'm feeling incredibly grateful, because now it looks as though it will be okay.  He's working with our insurance, and Noah's doctor, to change the prescription so Noah still gets the dose he needs of the medication he needs, and so we can have it before we officially run out tomorrow morning. And, he's going to order enough of it to keep it on hand for Noah's next refill.

Thank you, Jesus, for that much needed break today.

Booger Bullets and Nerf Guns

It all started at 7 this morning, with Avery yelling he couldn't find his booger bullets.

I'm sorry, your WHAT????

He helpfully explained that's what Noah calls the bullets for their Nerf guns.

*Side note:  For the past four summers, I've bought--and returned not even a day later--Nerf guns for our family.  Noah quickly gets out of control with them, can't differentiate between game and real life, can't put them down, thinks he's super-ninja-commando-secret-spry-agent-man, resulting in Call of Duty: Black Ops in my backyard.  SIGH.  I don't like them.  Not at all.  I resist them.  And this Christmas, I agreed with Shawn to give Them.  One.  More.  Try.*
      *Side note to the side note: No, Noah is not allowed to play Black Ops or any games like that.  Just so we're clear.*


"NOAAAAHHHHH!"

When I asked about booger bullets, he explained to me that he heard that Army soldiers call the bad guys boogers,  so that's what he decided to call his Nerf bullets.

Soooo....  You thought it would be okay to teach your four year old brother this sort of thing?  And really, I grew up military, and 'booger' is definitely not one of the words soldiers use in reference to bad guys.  AND, they are DARTS, not bullets.  We've had this talk.  AND, they are NERF guns--TOYS--not weapons of mass destruction.  Yes, we've had that talk too.  So many, many times.

I confiscated the Nerf guns, possibly for the 5th or 6th time since Christmas day.

Then we sat down with Noah to talk about how much his obsession scares us.  Noah in tears, myself in tears, I explained that when he talks like that and behaves this way with toys, I fear the police showing up on our doorstep because of something someone overheard him say in school.  I fear what goes through his head, what he's thinking when he does these things.  Does he think before he speaks (yes, I do know the answer to that one)?  I read the news; when we have to have these conversations with Noah, I hear words like "active shooter," "hit list" and "school shooting" in my head.  It scares me.

We had to get ready for church, so we sent him to change while I showered.  Later, when I was helping him comb his hair, I asked him again: "What makes any of this okay in your head?  What about any of this makes sense?  Because none of it makes any sense to me!  Help me understand this!"

Noah's answer?  "Well, the real reason I called them booger bullets is because Avery caught me putting one up my nose and I didn't know what else to tell him."

I can't even PRINT what went through my head then, as relief and frustration and disbelief and a million other emotions went flooding through my body.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Two hours later, in a matter of five minutes, we went from possible school-shooting-in-the-making to something just plain weird, but still oddly reassuring.  Not once during all the crying and whining and yelling did he think to just tell us the truth right off the bat.

It all started when Avery couldn't find his booger bullets.....

PARENTHOOD: 10000000000  AMY: 0

Truthful Tuesday: Random Thoughts

My favorite herbs to cook and bake with are rosemary, thyme, sage and marjoram.  Dill is another favorite (sometimes it's just fun to say "dill weed"....).  And yes, occasionally I do sing "Parsley, sage, rosemary and thymmmmmmme" to myself in the kitchen.  I'm not a fan of parsley though--it doesn't add much to the dish.

Learning how to bake artisan bread was one of the most freeing experiences I've ever had.

Writing is the next most freeing thing I'm able to do.

I'm very rigid, schedule-oriented, a rule follower.  My kitchen is the only place I can free myself from all of that and do as I please.  It is my haven, my comfort zone, my zen.  I don't really follow the rules with writing, either.

My college granted me special circumstances my sophomore year to move off campus.  Turns out, I needed a cat more than I needed antidepressants.

My freshman year of college, I snuck a stray cat into my dorm room and snuggled with it overnight.  That same cat gave a floor mate an ER-worthy asthma attack that same night.....

I can be aloof and distant one minute, demanding and in your face the next.  If I believed in such a thing, I would say I was a cat in a former life.

We have opted Noah out of the public school health class/sex ed forum.  As his parents, he needs to learn these things from us, and it needs to be a team effort.  In addition, my hope is that in the heat of the moment, hearing his mother's voice in his head saying words like "penis" and "vagina" will kill said moment.  

Avery has met his sister in his dreams, although he does not know she is his sister.  The first time he told me about playing with a girl named Gwace and then waking up when she had to go, it was like a sucker punch.  Another time he bopped into the kitchen to tell me that "Gwace and Gwetta pway wots of fwisbee in heaven" and bopped right back out.  Avery does not know he has a sister in heaven, nor does he know her name is Grace.  

I've learned the difference between "fair" and God's timing.

I hate cleaning my house.  In fact, I might actually be putting it off right now....  I might also still be putting off putting Max's favorite toy--I mean, the Christmas tree--away.

I've always been high strung and easily stressed out.  When someone asks what relaxes me, I usually draw a blank.

I love the sound of snow falling at night, especially when the moon is bright.

I've learned there are friends we never meet, friends for a time, friends we talk with daily, and friends we talk with once in a blue moon, but always pick up right where we left off.  I'm grateful for my friends in each of those categories, as I need each and every one of them.

2010 and 2011 were the most difficult years of my adult life, even more so than the year Noah was born, and the year my parents divorced.  My college years were difficult, but I think of them more as 'the stupid years' rather than adult years.

I've seen We Bought a Zoo so many times I've lost count, and it still leaves me sobbing.  It has become my go-to when I need a good cry.  Typically, my people run and hide when they see me take the movie case out of the rack (you just pictured them running for cover, yelling "SHE'S GONNA BLOWWWWW," didn't you?!).

I still won't let Noah ride in the front seat.  I made him ride in a booster seat until middle school, when there was an epic household battle over the issue (I wanted it, he didn't, Shawn sided with him).  His safety is more important to me than being the cool mom.  I think the new standards for the car seat laws are stupid.  Not all 8 yr olds are created equal, so you can't make a blanket statement saying it's okay for the child to be out of a booster at 8 years old.  I abide by the old laws, which used weight and height, and the guidelines for my car.  Related, Avery is still in a 5 point harness.

My yard is scattered with logs, sticks and branches. They are Lilly's favorite outside toys.  I don't bother picking them up anymore--it's a lot like trying to pick up the Legos inside. 

I hibernate October-March.  Winter months are the worst for me.  I know it's coming, but it still slams into me like a freight train.  Think of me more as the bear roaring out of her cave after being disturbed, and less like the caterpillar turning into the butterfly. 

I have a lot of fears, but I'm trying to have more faith.  My faith is the only reason I'm still here.  Oh, and my college cat.  Don't forget her.  

Two-Fer

You lucky readers, you get a two-fer today! There is just way too much going on in this addled brain of mine!

Video Games

I'll be honest, I've grown to hate those words.  I've grown to hate the activities, and everything they bring.  They make me cringe inwardly, and die a little inside.  We've always been hardcore about them, more strict than most parents.  The only game consoles we own are a first generation Wii, and a first generation DS.  For real.  We have supplied new games, but usually only as holiday and birthday gifts.  We don't own a lot of games.  We've always felt the money--and time--can be better spent.  I will admit that yes, there are bad days when I've allowed the video games as babysitters.  Some days, Mommy just needs a break.

What happens after that break is never pretty: whining, the "okay, hang on a second" when I tell them to turn it off, the loud, out of control behavior.  Yes, you got to play--now you have chores.  Oh, my gosh.  I have learned that time of quiet during the video games is just no longer worth it.  

My children need to be active.  They need to be outside, or playing with their Legos, toys and whatever else.  They have energy to burn that obviously does not burn playing video games.  I know many parents make the "but they're learning and using skills" argument--nope.  Not here.  You can do those same things, develop those same skills, doing real, physical activities.  This view makes us quite the unpopular household in our neighborhood...  Contrary to popular belief, video games do not bring families closer together.  At least, not in this house.

So, this Christmas, as we looked over our children's wish lists, we bucked the system.  No new video games.  That's right.  Instead, we bought six new board games.  Our elf left Scrabble for the kids one night, and Santa brought five others.  

And you know what happened?  

Something truly magical....  Something truly beautiful....  Something truly wonderful...

We are spending more time together as a family.  We are laughing, talking, sitting around the table for more than just meals.  The TV is off, the video games have been put away, and the board games are constantly going.  I now have a daily afternoon appointment to play Uno or Scrabble with Noah and his best friend (who, I love him for this, doesn't even ask for video games here anymore--he asks for the board games!).  *Side note:  Teenagers are cut throat with games* I now have a regular date to play Uno or Connect Four with Avery.  Shawn has been playing Stratego with Noah.  And, as a family, we are playing, and just being together.

This is what I want out of life.  This is what I want for our family.  This is what they, what we all, deserve.

21 Days

My day has been completely thrown off track already.  I realized at 8 this morning we have an appointment an hour away, which will have me hitting rush hour traffic this evening with two antsy, hungry boys in the back.  Last night, I promised myself that today--with the house finally quiet and to myself-- will be the day I write, clean, and put Christmas away (i.e., make a desperate attempt to reclaim my house and sanity before chaos re-ensues...).  Instead, I'm trying to prep as much of dinner as possible, not whine too much, and try to get a little bit of writing in--with an attention-seeking dog and squeaking kitten at my feet.  I'm suddenly just this side of exhausted, with the drive ahead of me this afternoon.  Both my heart and brain are telling me that I will regret it if I don't do this little bit for myself just now.  Besides--who really needs a clean house?  And the Christmas decorations really are kind of growing on me...

We've been attending a new church.  We are growing again, being challenged, and delighting in the community.  Noah bravely walked into the audio booth yesterday and declared he wanted work!  I'm still beaming with pride--really, you don't understand how out of his box that was, and how much it took for him to take that sort of initiative.  He talked non stop about it, and said next Sunday can't come fast enough!  Avery is doing well in the children's room--funny enough, the children's ministry coordinator is one of Noah's middle school teachers.  Shawn and I are not yet ready to jump into any of the classes or studies, and even though we enjoy being part of the congregation, I'm not sure we are ready to be a true part of the community yet.  Trust takes a while to build.

The current message series is concentrating on getting closer to God.  Last week's message is about a 21 day fast as a church family, beginning today.  We've been talking with the children about it, all of us trying to come up with something we can fast (food fasts are not healthy, realistic options for our family due to the many medical issues).  You should've seen the look I got when I suggested the boys fast from video games....  GASP!  We've talked about why we should fast, and why we can't fast from school, work, chores, or making dinner.  We explained to the boys that fasting from something involves giving up something that keeps you from being closer to God, involves giving up something that will 'hurt,' and, in the process, we are to be in prayer during those times, drawing closer to God, His message for our lives, and those around us.

We still obviously did not explain it clearly enough to Avery, so we'll keep working on that--he has decided he can fast run (his mouth.....).  We decided that as long as he's singing "HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD!" as he's fast running, that will be good enough!  Noah decided to give up sleeping with his blankie.  I think that might hurt me more than it hurts him (WHY do they have to grow up?!)

Shawn and I tossed around several ideas: for myself, coffee and/or soda (how am I supposed to function?!?!), or Instagram (my reaction to that idea was the same the boys had to video games)--GASP!).  Shawn decided he's going to fast from swearing, and try to improve his language.  In the end, I have decided to do that same.  It truly is the one that keeps me from being closer to my Father--my anger, my words, my emotions.

It takes 21 days to make a new habit, or break an old one.

We can do this.

(PS--please say a prayer for me as I sit in city traffic this afternoon and evening....)