Thirteen Years

Thirteen years ago, I gave birth to a little boy.  I'll be honest--he was a baby I wasn't sure I wanted, and I certainly wasn't ready for.  That first year, I wanted to give up so many times I lost count.  I almost did more times than I ever want to admit.  

Thirteen years ago I was given a gift I frequently took for granted, and often still do.

Thirteen years later, I'm grateful we hung in there.  I've learned more from that little baby than I ever could hope to teach him.  He's taught me about life, love, happiness, and even about myself.  He's taught me about heartache, loss, and true sadness.  He's taught me about faith, hope and never giving up, always putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how much sludge we're trudging through.  He's taught me how to be okay after great, unbearable loss.  I didn't give life to him, so much as he's given life to me.

Thirteen years later, I call us survivors.  We've overcome so much, on our own, and together.  I can't imagine life without him.  I don't ever want to have to imagine life without him.  We still don't have it together, but we're learning together, and that is what matters.

Today, my Timothy Noah Paul is officially a teenager.  I've watched him grow and mature, stumble and get back up.  I've kissed his wounds, raised bloody hell in his defense, sealed his heart with my own.  I've watched him venture out into the world with a mixture of pride, fear, trepidation, maternal anguish, frustration and fierce love.  I've had both tears and laughter well up from depths within me I never knew were there.

I'm proud of you Noah.  I love you fiercely, always and forever.  I love your heart, your sensitivity for animals, the way you just keep trying even when you want to give up.  I love our Uno games, our private talks, our deep discussions, our silly moments.  I love when you reveal a part of yourself to me, when you share something, trusting me with it.  I love how you've overcome challenges that would have stopped others.  I love watching you when you ride, the freedom and joy you have on those horses.  I love YOU.  You are my child, my pride, my joy. No matter what you do in life, I will always look upon you proudly, saying "That's MY boy."

Happy 13th birthday, Noah.  I love you.