Gratitude and Grace

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  That holiday has the potential to be an emotional firestorm for many people for many reasons.  For some of my friends, it was a difficult day because their moms are no longer with us.  For other women, it's hard because they want to be moms but aren't.  Some moms have lost their children, and that makes Mother's Day difficult.  Then there are some who still have mothers, but it really isn't the "honor thy mother" kind of relationship.

That is the thing about Mother's Day for me--there is very little honor between me and my mother. It is not a day we celebrate together, or even acknowledge for each other.  However, I've decided that giving her that kind of power over my day is not hers to have.  This day is not about her shortcomings, or really, even my own.  Instead, this day is for me to celebrate my children, my joy, my love, and my relationship with my children.  This day is not about the kind of mother and grandmother she has chosen not to be, but about the kind of mom I choose to be.

I did a lot of reflecting yesterday.  It is because of the kind of mother mine is that I am the kind of mom I am.  I could not choose how I was raised, but I can choose how my own children are raised.  My own children can be--are--raised with the kind of love, understanding, acceptance, and encouragement I still don't receive.  They are not raised with ridicule, selfishness, condemnation and conditional 'love.'  It is because of how I was raised that I am raising my own children the way I am.  In a way, I do have my mother to thank for that.  I am the mom I am because of the mother she was, in spite of the mother she is.

That brings me to gratitude.  Such a word!  Being thankful, living a life of praise, just living gratefully.  I don't always nail this one.  But, this is how I want to raise my children, with them knowing I am grateful for them, that I am grateful for the chance to raise them and call them my own.  I have been granted such a gift, and I don't want to take them for granted.  In the same way, I do need to be grateful to my mother--for teaching me the wrong ways and right ways to raise my boys, for giving me life, and she did provide me with physical necessities.  Again, I am who I am because of how I was raised.  I am one of those who has turned out in spite of my parents, not necessarily because of my parents.

And, there's grace.  That kind of forgiveness we can't earn, or even deserve, that forgiveness we don't ask for, that gift we are given from our Father.  Even when we don't deserve it, even when we can't admit our wrongs, our faults, our misbehaviors--He still grants us grace.  This is what I need to do for my mother.  I don't believe she will ever see the error of her ways, and I don't believe she will change.  She is the one who has always railed that she "did the best she could with what she had"--and she wasn't talking about her parenting skills, she was talking about me and my sister.  Her behaviors continue, and she continues to be unhealthy for my children, and myself.  As this continues, she will continue to not be allowed to be a part of our lives.  However, I need to grant her that same grace God has given me.  She hasn't earned it, she doesn't necessarily deserve it, and she won't ask for it because she doesn't think she needs it, but I have to give it to her.  A gift.

It's quite possible I am making this sound so much easier for me than it is.  Believe me when I say, it's not easy.  This is the last thing I want to do.  Sounds petty, but it's true.  Our pastor's wife has been reminding us that "love covers a multitude of sins"--whether it is the parent's love for the child who sinned, or the child's love for the sinning parent, love covers it.  I don't believe I'm quite there.  It has been a while since I have felt 'love' for either of my parents.  I do have a ways to go, especially before I can verbally tell either of my parents that I forgive them (I can just see how that would go over....); in my head is much easier, not so easy in my heart, nearly impossible face to face.

I know too though, this is where raising my own children comes in--I have to be the example to them. They are watching me.  I must give my mother that gratitude and grace, if not for us, then for them.