Thankfulness.... In 90 Seconds or Less

Shawn and I have been asked to share our testimony concerning infertility with our church as part of the November sermon series on thankfulness.  The catch?  We have to sum up 10 years of angst in 90 seconds or less.  What WHAT???  Don't they know me?  Please tell me they really meant 90 minutes...  Oh heck, just let me do the whole sermon series!

I asked a friend today if I can just say, "God is amazing, medical science can suck it."  Can I say "suck it" in church?

I really don't even know where to start.  I thought maybe if I sat down and started this post, divine inspiration will strike.  Or, maybe somewhere in this post, Shawn and I will find the testimony God wants us to give.

Don't misunderstand me, I know my testimony.  Shawn and I know ours.  What I'm getting hung up on is the 90 second part--what is the most important part of our testimony? What, out of this entire mess, do others need to hear the most?

We've seen my lab results. I've had countless tests, and we've seen the results over and over and over.  We've heard the damning words from my doctors, over and over and over. This past May, my latest work up showed I had no discernible female hormones at all.  My thyroid and adrenal levels were in the dumpster.  My endocrine system was so incredibly out of whack, my doctor wasn't even sure if we could fix it well enough for me to function, and certainly not well enough for me to conceive.  On paper, we never should've been able to conceive.  Between illness and the medications necessary, my body was just destroyed. When my doctors told us there was no way we would have another child after Noah, I believed them.  Things looked even more dire after Avery.  Medical science cannot explain our children.

I can.

Here's the other thing I'm getting hung up on--the whole thankfulness thing.  It's taken us a while to get to this point--maybe me more than Shawn.  I've journeyed through some massive bitterness to get to the point where I woke up and realized I already had Noah, and then when we had Avery--we already had two incredible kids, and there I was, bitter because God wouldn't give us a third child, in my time frame?  Bitter because God wasn't doing things my way, so I what I heard was, "NO!" rather than, "Not yet."  The death my doctors spoke to us sent me into a tailspin that lasted years, and I couldn't hear anything other than their words.  I couldn't hear anything other than my own anger.  I couldn't hear the life God was so desperately trying to speak to me.

I feel like a hypocrite telling people I was thankful through the entire ordeal.  It won't ring true to anyone's ears.  I know that I can't start there.  I have to start at the beginning with the tears, the devastation and the anger.

The truth is, Shawn has been more trusting and faithful through all of this than I have.  When I wanted to give up, when I yelled about my stupid body, when I was angry, when I screamed and cried about the injustice of it all--Shawn was the rational one.  He would reply, "Doctors are stupid.  God is good.  Trust Him."  He would remind me that we don't know what God can do, but we do know He is the great healer, that nothing is impossible for Him.  Shawn loved me through it, and in that, I hit my breakthrough and started to trust more, to believe more, to know more.

So, why am I thankful?  I'm thankful to have a Father and a husband who never give up on me.  I'm thankful to have the blessing of two amazing boys, and another child on the way.  I'm grateful for these people in my life I never thought I would have.  I'm grateful for the problems we have, that other people would love to have.  I know how 'lucky' we are, and I try to not take that for granted.  I'm even thankful that I know everything that can go wrong, because those trials are what make me appreciate what I do have as much as I do.