Anger

This has been a hard one to write.  I feel very exposed, very raw.  But, it has to come out somehow.  Maybe my words will encourage someone else with this struggle, and perhaps I will also find encouragement.

I was raised with anger and bitterness in my house.  It was a way of life.  Passive aggressive in some ways, and just outright and blatant in others. Apologies were not a way of life, unless you were the one on the receiving end and desperate to smooth things over.  I declared long ago that I would not raise my own children this way.  My children will not know anger the way I did.

But, I'm an angry person.  And I hate it.  It makes me.... Angry.  I do not want to be this way.  I do not want my children raised with this in their lives, and I do not want this to be the example I'm setting for them.  When they do see anger in me, I want them to see me handling it in a healthy manner.  Unfortunately, this has not been the case.  I do not want to be this way.  I want to be easily forgiving of mistakes and missteps, and I want to be able to move on.  There are some situations (and people) I've learned to just walk away from, but unfortunately, it isn't always that way for me.

Recently, there have been many circumstances way beyond my control.  I don't like being out of control.  It makes me...  Yep, you guessed it...  Angry.  I've said things, and behaved in ways that have only embarrassed myself.  I forgot to be grateful, I forgot to laugh, and I wanted to blame God. Actually, I really just wanted to blame everyone.  My behavior has strained my relationships with my children, husband and friends.  I have not behaved in a Proverbs 31 manner... More like a head spinning, pea soup spitting, 666 manner. 

Anger is often my first response to a situation, especially when I feel out of control.  It is often my go-to emotion.  I say things I shouldn't and instantly regret them.   Sometimes I get so entrenched in my anger I can't see my way out of it.  It snowballs.  Anger breeds more anger.  My anger (wrongly) then sets the tone for my household and family; when I'm angry, everyone else finds reasons to be angry as well.  I forget to count to ten.  I forget to take deep breaths.  I forget to look for the humor in situations, and I forget to try to find something to be grateful for.  I forget to pray.  I forget that if there's nothing I can do about it, I need to move on.  I forget the things I can control--my attitude, behavior and outlook.  Instead, I fume.  I yell.  I'm not a pleasant person.  My family, and my friends, suffer for it.  And then I feel even worse.  It's not fair to them.  I know my responses with anger are wrong, and it's something I know I need to work on changing.  I need to make it happen for the sake of my own health, my family, and my relationships.  My life has not been a hard one. Sure, dog poop happens, and there are ups and downs. In the grand scheme of things, though, I have so much to be grateful for, and very little to be angry about.

Sadly, I'm seeing these responses in my children.  Children follow example, and this is the incredibly unfortunate example I've been setting.  I don't want this for them, as they deserve better.  I want them to be happy, joyful, successful human beings.  I do not want them to find fault with everything and everyone they come across, and I do not want anger to be their first, and ultimate, response.  I do not want them to be bitter and angry.  I want them to learn, and use, healthy manners of dealing with their emotions.  I want them to live lives of gratitude, and to know peace, grace and joy.  I want them to know contentment.  Their lives are not hard.  They have no reason to carry anger.

So, what point does anger serve?  It doesn't serve any point.  It gets very little done (although, I have to give a quick ode to angry cleaning.... Boy, do those toilets sparkle...), and it's not productive.  It makes me look like a fool, and it makes me feel immature.  It accomplishes nothing (unless we count those sparkling countertops and spotless floors).  There are times that anger is rightly justified, but it's all in how I handle it that is, or isn't, justified.  Anger only holds me back.  It holds me back from my relationships with my husband, children and friends, and it holds me back from enjoying life.  Most importantly, it holds me back from my relationship with Christ.

I need to change.  I need to work on this.  I need to remind myself that my joy and hope are in my Lord, and anger serves no purpose in my life.  My purpose, and energy, are better served setting positive examples for my children.  My energy is better spent teaching my children to find joy and gratitude. My kids deserve a calm household, and an emotionally healthy mom.  They deserve to have better examples set for them.  I do not want to be this negative person.  I want to be the person others are happy to see and talk with.  I do not want to be remembered for my anger.  Instead, I want to be remembered for my kindness; I want to be remembered as a happy person who encouraged others.

It seems God has taken this as a challenge, or perhaps the challenge has always been there, waiting for me.  Situations seem to be arising more than ever, testing my patience and limits.  Alrighty God, bring it on.  Let's do this.

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." James 1:19

"Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly." Proverbs 14:29

"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands." Proverbs 14:1