As I've written so many times before, it's my heart to support other moms. It is my heart's desire for moms to know they aren't alone in 'this.' We've got to be in this together, without judgment of each other. We must stand together, rather than ripping each other to shreds. Otherwise it just kind of falls apart and looks awful. Things get nasty, moms turn inward, help isn't sought, people get lost in the shuffle. Would you reach out in a world that has done nothing but shame you?
I've been subjected to my fair share of "mommy shaming" recently and I'll tell you--it cuts deep. It haunts me. I hear those words in my sleep, I see the finger wagging in my face when I zone off while watching tv, I feel the shame crawling on my skin when I wash in the shower. Even as I have lectured myself about it being their problem, their own hurts and hang-ups that caused them to react to me this way, and so on, I'm the one with the broken heart.
Short of her committing criminal acts against her child, I would never do this to another mom.
Yesterday we were in a store when a preschooler had a temper tantrum from hell--she wanted something, and Mom said no. Avery started to stare; I kicked his foot and whispered, "That's been us more than once. Don't stare and make it worse for them," then I steered my littles to the other side of the section of the store we were all in. That mom was a ROCK. STAR. She had the preschooler, a toddler in a stroller, and a newborn strapped to her chest. She was amazing, just flat out incredible. When it was finally all said and done, as they walked past me (y'all, she even had her preschooler cheerily putting back the items that started the tantrum--I nearly signed up for mom lessons!), I tapped her shoulder and whispered, "You are a phenomenal mom. You handled that so very well." She laughed nervously and whispered back that she's just trying to figure it all out. I reassured her that indeed, we all are. Reminder to self: Reorder "Mother Like No One is Judging" pins. I didn't have one for her!
Then it was my 'turn' yesterday evening.
We had a long day yesterday, and it was showing. Our last stop was the grocery store for prescriptions and a few things. One of my children was amped. up. beyond. belief. While we were in the self check-out, I had to handle a discipline issue (well, I had been handling it throughout the store...). A few moments later, there was a tap on my shoulder. You have to know I am automatically in defense mode now, prepared for someone and anyone and everyone to attack me and my children. That said, my first exhausted thought as I turned around was to snap, "WHAT" at the person. Relief flooded through me when I saw it was the cashier on self-checkout duty, and she was hiding stickers in her hand and smiling (she's one of the cashiers I love there--she always has special stickers at her station for the kids, and conversation for everyone). She whispered, "You handled that really well, I just want you to know that. And I agree with you needing to handle it, but can he still have a sticker, though?" I said yes, and she handed stickers to my littles.
Those words--they were a balm to my hurting, tender soul. As we finished up, I thanked her again. When we reached the doors, I handed everything to Noah, telling him I would catch up. I ran back to the cashier and gave her a huge hug, holding in tears. I tried to explain why, and explain my heart for other moms, and blubbered through my idiotic self. She just smiled, hugging me back and telling me I did everything right (and "shame on those people!").
I'm so grateful for people like her. There have been a few angels in our lives lately (look for upcoming blogs!), just people God has placed here and there to make up for the jerks who show up uninvited.
Dear readers--I'm begging you, please encourage each other. This is so very important. Please be that person who makes up for the uninvited jerks. Encourage that complete stranger, and your closest friend. Be the friend you need, and the parent you needed. Say the words you need to hear, and perform the acts of love you need. Be that fierce hug, and be prepared to give that hug. Listen without speaking. Throw out a random compliment next time you hold the door open for someone, leave a kind note on someone's windshield, or pay for the person behind you in line. Make a meal for that mom down the street, or leave a love basket at her door. Send flowers to your best friend at her office, or a police department or fire department who just had a tough call (they really like food deliveries, too).
Be the person you need.
Be the balm for someone's hurting, tender soul.
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Monday, July 16, 2018
World's Okayest Mom (and I'm Okay With It)
I've been wrestling with something that happened to us on Friday, and it hit me: I was mom-shamed. More pointedly, my toddler was child-shamed. The woman who intruded in our lives had no other purpose than to shame Ezra for her perception of his behavior, and her perception of my inaction about it. She had no other purpose than to want to make me carry her own personal baggage.
And you know what?
I've been toting that heavy suitcase of hers for her ever since.
I let her get away with exactly what she wanted, and I bet she didn't even give us a second thought after leaving the store. I have cried, sobbed, apologized to my children, lost sleep, screamed, shaken my fist at the unfairness of it, and written a novel's worth of unpublished blogs about it.
ME! The mother who stands up for other moms! The mom who would've commandeered the store's microphone to tell her exactly what she could do with her shaming if I caught her doing that to another mom instead of me! More importantly, I would have helped that other mother protect her child. "Hey, whoa, you can't just do that! What in the world do you think you're doing, crazy lady?"
I know much of it comes from guilt in the way I handled it: She accosted my child, while he sat in the cart right there next to me, instead of me. I have a lot of guilt for not protecting my child, for not protecting the next child she will presumably approach because she got away with it this time, and not protecting the children she claimed to have experience working with. A person who is so bold as to approach a three year old in this manner should not be working with children. I was so stunned by her behavior that I didn't react the way I wanted to in hindsight.
I've written, re-written, and re-re-written my blog post since Friday night. Much of it was just me needing to work through what happened. I've talked with friends, cried with Shawn, listened to an amazing, heartfelt message from our pastor's wife, who also also happens to be our church's connections group pastor, on why being part of church family is so important (hey, that's a plug for my mom's group, if you're not paying attention!), and I heard an excerpt from Truth Bomb Mom on dealing with haters: Just don't do it.
So yeah, I'm only an okay mom. My kids are only okay kids. And you know what? I'm okay with that. We aren't everyone's cup of tea. We don't have to be. And I'm okay with that, too.
And you know what else? That hater can take her baggage and pack off to Timbuktu.
And you know what?
I've been toting that heavy suitcase of hers for her ever since.
I let her get away with exactly what she wanted, and I bet she didn't even give us a second thought after leaving the store. I have cried, sobbed, apologized to my children, lost sleep, screamed, shaken my fist at the unfairness of it, and written a novel's worth of unpublished blogs about it.
ME! The mother who stands up for other moms! The mom who would've commandeered the store's microphone to tell her exactly what she could do with her shaming if I caught her doing that to another mom instead of me! More importantly, I would have helped that other mother protect her child. "Hey, whoa, you can't just do that! What in the world do you think you're doing, crazy lady?"
I know much of it comes from guilt in the way I handled it: She accosted my child, while he sat in the cart right there next to me, instead of me. I have a lot of guilt for not protecting my child, for not protecting the next child she will presumably approach because she got away with it this time, and not protecting the children she claimed to have experience working with. A person who is so bold as to approach a three year old in this manner should not be working with children. I was so stunned by her behavior that I didn't react the way I wanted to in hindsight.
I've written, re-written, and re-re-written my blog post since Friday night. Much of it was just me needing to work through what happened. I've talked with friends, cried with Shawn, listened to an amazing, heartfelt message from our pastor's wife, who also also happens to be our church's connections group pastor, on why being part of church family is so important (hey, that's a plug for my mom's group, if you're not paying attention!), and I heard an excerpt from Truth Bomb Mom on dealing with haters: Just don't do it.
So yeah, I'm only an okay mom. My kids are only okay kids. And you know what? I'm okay with that. We aren't everyone's cup of tea. We don't have to be. And I'm okay with that, too.
And you know what else? That hater can take her baggage and pack off to Timbuktu.
Wednesday, July 11, 2018
Navigating My Way Through Teen Dating
The teenager in our house began dating a little while back, and it's been an, um, experience for me to figure out just where I fit in (right between them, right?), exactly, in all of this.
Some might say I don't figure into any of this at all. It's his life, let him live it.
Sometimes it's hard for me to let the apron strings loosen, especially with my firstborn (okay, with all of my borns). There is so much between us, I know letting go is going to be so damn hard. It is so damn hard to let go already. It's not about another woman taking my place, it's about making sure he takes proper care of her when she does. I want to make sure he's getting who he deserves, but I also want to make sure she's getting who she deserves, you know? I want to make sure my son's girlfriend(s), and my future daughter in law are treated with the respect, love and everything else they deserve. I also want the same for my son. Okay, yes, I've been known to crash a FaceTime or two ("Hi! HI! HI! I'm Noah's MOM!"), or send Ezra in.... But, I want to meet these girls! I want to know their intentions, I want to know about their home lives, their hopes for their futures, what makes them laugh, what do they like to learn--they are dating my son, these things are important to me (seriously, do people just not ask questions about each other anymore???)! And I want to have conversations with him about them!
Okay, and let's be honest, I'm always going to be that mom who goes flying out the door, shouting and laughing my greeting, grabbing everyone up in huge hugs, welcoming them home like prodigal children--so really, I'm just weeding out the girls who can't handle me, right!?!?!
He's brought home several girls. One openly declared I was overbearing, over-involved and controlling. Wellll, I've got news honey, he's still a minor, so we're sort of a package deal. Anyway. When he broke up with another girl, I asked if I had to break up with her too. I really like her. She got our odd family humor and fit in well. When we broke out our weird, she broke hers out too. I'm glad we're still friends on social media and we occasionally still talk. Ezra is still dating Noah's first girlfriend. She promised me she'll wait until he turns 18. Shhhh. Now there's a new girl, one we haven't met yet. They talk a lot, they've been on a date. We know nearly nothing about her.
Dating is a lot different than it used to be. I think it's a little scarier than it used to be too, and not just for us parents. Now there's FaceTime, all kinds of chats and other ways to meet. Shawn and I dated in the Stone Age, so we saw each other at school, went for dates on Friday nights when we could borrow the family dinosaur, and we talked with conch shell phones when we weren't spending time with each other. We didn't have the internet until college (dial up!), and it certainly wasn't Facebook or anything like that (email and AOL messaging!). Now, our son can date a girl from another high school in a different county, and they're still just as close as if they're in the same school. And FaceTime--hello. The house rule is no girls in the bedroom or behind closed doors. Welllll, thanks to FaceTime, isn't that pretty much having a girl in your bedroom/behind closed doors? Yeah, thanks for that parenting battle, Apple. There are so many apps and ways to hide things from parents if your child doesn't want you seeing them.
There are other things that make dating different, too. Sexuality and gender are certainly more different than they were 25 years ago when I was my son's age. Sex-ed is taught differently in public schools: Less education, more indoctrination. I feel as though some parents are more lenient now, too. There are plenty of other differences, but naturally, I'm drawing a complete blank. See the paragraph below!
There are also more dangers now. Sexting, social media, revenge texting, stalking, catfishing, and so on, make dating a scary thing to do. Once what you've sent is out of your hands, you've lost control and ownership of it. Nothing is private once it gets out on the internet. If the wrong things get out, there will be severe, lifelong consequences. And until you meet a person face to face, you never really know exactly who you are talking with on the internet. Teaching teenagers they are not invincible is near impossible.
We do our best. We talk with him about equally yoked, and God's plans--those plans don't involve us saving anyone, or rescuing anyone or changing anyone. That's up to Him. God doesn't want us unequally paired in life, especially in the beginning of marriage, when we need each other perhaps the most. I want Noah to be happy, to be with someone who is going to challenge him throughout life, help him continue to grow, make him laugh--be a true soulmate. I always want the same for my daughter in law! I try to talk to him about the things I observe about these girls--just things I see from my perspective, from my experience. Shawn tries to talk to him about things from the man's perspective. Our son cannot be objective, and while many would consider it to be difficult for us to be so, considering our son is involved, part of our job is to be objective in helping him. This time in his life is for having fun, not for looking for a soulmate. Shawn and I are an anomaly. Not everyone marries their high school sweetheart.
I pray daily for my daughters in law. I love them already, and I look forward to having amazing relationships with them. There are so many pressures, so many different things that I don't necessarily understand, so I also pray for understanding, as well as wisdom and discernment for all of us. I pray for caution, that it will be heeded at the proper times and moments--and not just for myself, but for my sons and their wives.
My place may not necessarily be right between Noah and his girlfriend, no matter how badly how I want to be there laying down the rules, but it is God's place.
This mama's prayer is they will let Him in.
Some might say I don't figure into any of this at all. It's his life, let him live it.
Sometimes it's hard for me to let the apron strings loosen, especially with my firstborn (okay, with all of my borns). There is so much between us, I know letting go is going to be so damn hard. It is so damn hard to let go already. It's not about another woman taking my place, it's about making sure he takes proper care of her when she does. I want to make sure he's getting who he deserves, but I also want to make sure she's getting who she deserves, you know? I want to make sure my son's girlfriend(s), and my future daughter in law are treated with the respect, love and everything else they deserve. I also want the same for my son. Okay, yes, I've been known to crash a FaceTime or two ("Hi! HI! HI! I'm Noah's MOM!"), or send Ezra in.... But, I want to meet these girls! I want to know their intentions, I want to know about their home lives, their hopes for their futures, what makes them laugh, what do they like to learn--they are dating my son, these things are important to me (seriously, do people just not ask questions about each other anymore???)! And I want to have conversations with him about them!
Okay, and let's be honest, I'm always going to be that mom who goes flying out the door, shouting and laughing my greeting, grabbing everyone up in huge hugs, welcoming them home like prodigal children--so really, I'm just weeding out the girls who can't handle me, right!?!?!
He's brought home several girls. One openly declared I was overbearing, over-involved and controlling. Wellll, I've got news honey, he's still a minor, so we're sort of a package deal. Anyway. When he broke up with another girl, I asked if I had to break up with her too. I really like her. She got our odd family humor and fit in well. When we broke out our weird, she broke hers out too. I'm glad we're still friends on social media and we occasionally still talk. Ezra is still dating Noah's first girlfriend. She promised me she'll wait until he turns 18. Shhhh. Now there's a new girl, one we haven't met yet. They talk a lot, they've been on a date. We know nearly nothing about her.
Dating is a lot different than it used to be. I think it's a little scarier than it used to be too, and not just for us parents. Now there's FaceTime, all kinds of chats and other ways to meet. Shawn and I dated in the Stone Age, so we saw each other at school, went for dates on Friday nights when we could borrow the family dinosaur, and we talked with conch shell phones when we weren't spending time with each other. We didn't have the internet until college (dial up!), and it certainly wasn't Facebook or anything like that (email and AOL messaging!). Now, our son can date a girl from another high school in a different county, and they're still just as close as if they're in the same school. And FaceTime--hello. The house rule is no girls in the bedroom or behind closed doors. Welllll, thanks to FaceTime, isn't that pretty much having a girl in your bedroom/behind closed doors? Yeah, thanks for that parenting battle, Apple. There are so many apps and ways to hide things from parents if your child doesn't want you seeing them.
There are other things that make dating different, too. Sexuality and gender are certainly more different than they were 25 years ago when I was my son's age. Sex-ed is taught differently in public schools: Less education, more indoctrination. I feel as though some parents are more lenient now, too. There are plenty of other differences, but naturally, I'm drawing a complete blank. See the paragraph below!
There are also more dangers now. Sexting, social media, revenge texting, stalking, catfishing, and so on, make dating a scary thing to do. Once what you've sent is out of your hands, you've lost control and ownership of it. Nothing is private once it gets out on the internet. If the wrong things get out, there will be severe, lifelong consequences. And until you meet a person face to face, you never really know exactly who you are talking with on the internet. Teaching teenagers they are not invincible is near impossible.
We do our best. We talk with him about equally yoked, and God's plans--those plans don't involve us saving anyone, or rescuing anyone or changing anyone. That's up to Him. God doesn't want us unequally paired in life, especially in the beginning of marriage, when we need each other perhaps the most. I want Noah to be happy, to be with someone who is going to challenge him throughout life, help him continue to grow, make him laugh--be a true soulmate. I always want the same for my daughter in law! I try to talk to him about the things I observe about these girls--just things I see from my perspective, from my experience. Shawn tries to talk to him about things from the man's perspective. Our son cannot be objective, and while many would consider it to be difficult for us to be so, considering our son is involved, part of our job is to be objective in helping him. This time in his life is for having fun, not for looking for a soulmate. Shawn and I are an anomaly. Not everyone marries their high school sweetheart.
I pray daily for my daughters in law. I love them already, and I look forward to having amazing relationships with them. There are so many pressures, so many different things that I don't necessarily understand, so I also pray for understanding, as well as wisdom and discernment for all of us. I pray for caution, that it will be heeded at the proper times and moments--and not just for myself, but for my sons and their wives.
My place may not necessarily be right between Noah and his girlfriend, no matter how badly how I want to be there laying down the rules, but it is God's place.
This mama's prayer is they will let Him in.
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