Invasion of the House Guest

I'm a house guest this week.

Correction:  I'm invading a teenager's space this week.

I'm not sure he really wanted me here, and I know I have a *ahem* bit of an overwhelming personality.  It's a lot for him to handle.

Being a teenager is hard.  Being a teenager with an alphabet soup associated with you is harder.  Being a teenager going through everything he's dealing with?  HardEST. 

The thing is, I remember being in his situation as a child.  And now I know what was going on in my own brain (helllllooooo... Autism, OCD, anxiety, etc...), it sort of helps me understand him better.

I was always happy to see our visitors (or be one), but I liked my stuff the way I liked my stuff.  I became upset (sometimes ragingly so) when things were disorderly, loud, overwhelming, when my things were touched, when guests left their things out (right down to just leaving their shampoo and soap in my shower).  I was usually displaced from my bed and/or my room--my safe place.  I couldn't even seek comfort in my own bed because they'd been in it, or hide in my own room in case they needed to get to their things or they needed privacy.  It was disturbing for me, to say the least, and I would be completely out of sorts for days.

My mother told me to deal with it.  I was selfish.  I was rude.  I needed to learn to share.  I was being difficult.  Why couldn't I just get along?  I was teased for my rigidity and inability to cope.  Later in life I was 'sick' and a spoiled brat.  It was downright awful for me, no matter how happy I was to see our guests (or be one).  I felt completely alone and awkward and angry and misunderstood.  I remember being so jealous of how well everyone else got along, and wondering what was wrong with me.

From one of the things I've learned about my children: they aren't being difficult, they are having a difficult time, I have learned that in particular about my past.  I wasn't doing any of those things on purpose.  I was having a genuinely hard time, and did not have the proper coping skills.

My friend's son is having a genuinely hard time.  There is nothing difficult about him.

I am trying my best to take up as little space as possible.  If I could be as small as an ant in order to respect this young man's needs, I would.  I'm trying to remember to put my things away after I use them, and immediately clean up after myself.  I'm trying to remember to respect privacy, quiet, boundaries and unspoken rules (as well as the spoken ones!).  I'm trying to remember his ways of doing things may not the same of mine, and I need to do them his way.  This is his home.

I know how distressing it can be to have someone invade your safe place.  And I'm not here for a fun, quick visit. I'm here during one of the worst times in his life, temporarily taking over in his mom's place for a bit.  I have settled in for the long haul.

Precious mamas, I'm begging you:  Whether you and your family are the guests, or you have guests, if you think your child is being difficult, please take a step back.  Clear your mind.  Take a deep breath.  Stop worrying about what your hosts or guests might think about your child, or your (lack of) parenting skills.  It's time for Mama Bear Mode.  You are your child's safety net.  This is YOUR child (perhaps not the child you wanted, but the child you have).  This is the child you have sworn to love and protect--so please, do just that.  Could it be your child is having a difficult time, instead?  Could it be your child is genuinely upset?  Talk with your child, not at your child.  Listen to your child.  Find out what is going on inside his mind.  Then help him work through it.  Advocate for your child's needs with your hosts or guests.  If you are the host or guest, and a child is having a difficult time, please have compassion, and find out how you can help.  Your child is looking to you to protect him, and needs you on his side.  Love your child through this, love him where he is.  Please.