My Letter to Asperger's Syndrome

Dear Asperger's,
I don't like you.  I blame you.  You aren't welcome in my home.  You've turned our lives upside down, inside out and backwards.  I want to put you in a box and ship you off to some far away galaxy where you'll never be heard from again.  I know you've been here for years turning things all askew and it's only just now that we've been able to give you a name, but if it were up to me, you never would have been here in the first place.  You have ostracized my son, left him wondering what is wrong with him.  He isn't invited to birthday parties and he's never been to a sleepover.  He's been on one play date in 10 years.  He doesn't have friends and is an endless target for teasing and bullying.  Because of you, his school year has been disrupted and his desire for a normal life is not going to be realized.  You've left me alone with my thoughts, watching my son from afar while sitting right beside him.  As Noah grew from infancy through toddlerhood and into boyhood, you've left me wondering what is wrong with me as a mom.  I've never been able to figure out why I haven't been able to bond with my son, what part of motherhood I'm getting so wrong that everyone else seems to be getting right, what I'm doing wrong.  What is wrong with me???  Why can't I do anything right?   Why is everyone else so happy while I'm always so frustrated?  The anger and self-loathing I have felt over the years have been unbearable.  Because of you, I'm mourning parts of our lives that we may never experience, such as that special mother-son relationship Shawn tells me is so imperative to the growth of boys.  We miss out on vacations and other family excursions.  The biggest form of affection I receive from Noah is a head-to-head bump when I ask for a kiss.  I've become the mom who reminds newly pregnant moms about all the things that could go 'wrong' with their babies.  Because of you, people stare and wonder why I allow my son to misbehave the way he does.  Because of you, people aren't understanding at all.

On the other hand.....
Giving you a name and openly inviting you into our home has given us great new insight into Noah.  Having a name for you, being able to learn about you and research you has given us hope.  Being able to implement plans for Noah based on what we are learning and working on with his therapists gives us hope.  Now that we have a name for you, I know I wasn't doing anything wrong as a mom.  I was doing the best I could, the best I knew how, I just didn't have the right materials for myself and Noah to work with.  I was frustrated because I didn't have a name for you.  Instead of mourning, we're celebrating the life that Noah has ahead of him, celebrating each 'tidbit of normal' God gives us, celebrating each new accomplishment.  I'm beginning to develop that bond I've always so desperately wanted and that Noah needs.  Noah has OT on Tuesday nights because of you, so we have a weekly date night now, just the two of us.  I love that time with him and he seems to look forward to it too.  Noah has a name for why he behaves the way he does and seems relieved to know he's not a dork.  He has a good grasp and better understanding of you than some adults.  For certain, he appears to be handling you better than we are.  I cherish our head-to-head bumps and I'm working on developing our mother-son relationship that will help him grow and mature into a young man.  We're learning how to incorporate you into family vacations and excursions so Noah isn't overwhelmed and we can all enjoy these times together.  I'm finally able to accept my son the way he is.  Instead of trying to change him, I'm learning how to help him cope with you (as I'm learning to do myself), as well as teaching him life skills and social skills to cope with the world because it will not cope with him.  I'm finding that many of the characteristics and personality quirks I love so much about him are actually due to you. You are what makes Noah special, you are what makes him Noah.  And oh, how I hate admitting that.  Because God included you when He made Noah, my son isn't capable of lying and he's also not capable of being mean. He's a little too honest at times, which can come across as mean, but it's not intentional.  He does his best to be sensitive, even though he may not always be politically correct!  Noah has a big heart, a great sense of humor and a gigantic brain.  We're going to make the best of the end of his school year and give him the best life we can.  It may not be normal by any means, but in this day and age, I have to question anyone's claim to normalcy.
(And honestly, I'm wondering if giving you a name has explained a few things about my own childhood and given me some insight into my father's world.)
I guess, in my own Aspy way, I'm saying thank you (don't get used to it) for giving me a second chance with my son.
Sincerely,
Noah's Mom