The Thin Line Between Being Informative and Excusing (and Gossip?)

As a parent of a child with special needs, it's something I struggle with.  Am I informing this person of my child's diagnosis for the purpose of further educating the general (sometimes ignorant) public,  am I telling this person about it in an effort to excuse my child's unacceptable behavior (because let's face it, there are some behaviors that are inexcusable whether that child has a special need or not and most of the time, the child knows it) or worse: Am I gossiping about my own child?  Then there are the times you hear another parent in the crowd mention the word "Asperger" and you hone in on it like a pigeon, hunting down that other parent because you don't want to feel so alone.   Sometimes it's a thin line and even as a parent, it can be difficult to know.  Other times, it's just as black and white as Noah's world.   Two easy examples come to mind right away.

#1: A few weeks ago, I ran into a friend I haven't physically seen in almost two years.  I haven't seen her virtually in almost 6 months since I left the world of social networking.  I had Noah with me and we were trying to catch up while Noah bounced from one thing to another.  While we were standing in the coffee and tea aisle of the grocery store, she told me about her kids, I showed her pictures of Avery, caught her up on our homeschooling endeavors (not quite emotionally ready to write about that, yet) and about Noah's diagnosis.  She asked some good questions, mainly wondering what it would 'look' like to her, the uninformed.  Noah, helpful as always, played right along for me, checking out the fresh coffee grinders, inspecting each one, hoping one of them would automatically start spewing forth freshly ground coffee so he could see how they work.  He was being so careful not to touch anything he knew he shouldn't, but he was just so curious! I pointed at that and said to my friend, "That's Asperger's Syndrome.  At least, that's part of it."  I went on to explain it in a little more detail, how it affects him in public, in school, and at home.  THAT was informing my friend for the purpose of further educating her.  She asked, I answered.

#2: Last week, Noah was with me when I dropped Avery off at daycare before 'work.'  While I was signing him in, Noah curiously started going through one of the desk drawers.  He wasn't removing things, wasn't causing any problems.  I'm used to this and sadly, don't think twice about it.  Along with Asperger's, Noah is a naturally curious kid.  I keep a close eye on him, make sure he doesn't take anything or cause any damage.  Someone came through, slammed the drawer shut on him and said, "That is Miss (_)'s desk.  You don't belong in it."  Ouch.  She was right though, I was wrong and I made sure to say so to Noah in front of her.  Asperger's or not, Noah did not belong in that desk.  As his parent, I should have said something to Noah so this woman did not have to.  I desperately wanted to say, "Noah has Asperger's.  He's a naturally curious child and wasn't hurting anything," when what was really hurting was my parental pride.  I would not have been using his Asperger's to educate this person, I would have been using it as an excuse; AND again, Asperger's or not, I was wrong.  I should have told Noah "No," from the start.  THAT would have been an excuse for unacceptable behavior.  She did not ask about Noah's diagnosis, or if he even has one.

There are some thin lines too, though.  When I tell someone and get the inevitable, "Well, that explains a lot" response from someone who has known him a while, even if that person means well in their answer, I have to wonder what made me tell that person.  Am I gossiping about my child?  What business is it of that person's?  Or when I tell someone who doesn't play a big role in Noah's life.  He/she isn't Noah's teacher, Scout leader, family member or doctor, so what business is it of their's?  That person might not even be a close friend of mine who can lend moral support.  I might think I'm telling this person so he/she can understand my child better, but then I have no control over what that person will do with the information from there.  And I can't take it back after that!  Is this someone Noah would want knowing? I feel guilty for other reasons too: am I afraid of being a gossip, or am I ashamed of my own child? What is the real reason I don't tell people when I don't feel it's any of their business?


Then there are the days I feel like a homing pigeon.  I hear someone even whisper something that sounds like PDD, Asperger or Autism and I'm magnetically drawn to that person, immediately listening and sharing, whether I've been invited into the conversation or not (showing a little bit of Asperger's myself!).  I'm learning to be a little more tactful about inviting myself into these exclusive clubs, letting other parents know that I'm new to all of this and picking their brains for the greater good of my son, not for my own nosiness.  


There will be other times, through my volunteer work, that my knowledge will come in handy.  Not of Noah in particular, but of special needs and the things that go with it, in general.  Every little thing and person I encounter is teaching me something, which I in turn will use to teach someone else.  Mostly, I'm grateful for this knowledge and can take the rest with a grain of salt (it's the people who aren't in my position or without initials after their names who choose to impart their unsolicited health magazine-of-the-week knowledge on me that I find offensive).  I like to be helpful and informative, I like to hold the hand of someone who is walking the path I've navigated before (when I'm asked) and my shoulders are pretty good at holding other people up.  I just don't want to be the mom who make excuses for her children or gossips unnecessarily, so if you ever catch me doing that, please feel free to let me know!


*sigh*  It's a lot to think about! Maybe I'll just take a page from Noah's book and completely remove my proverbial filter....
(and for those of you who know me well, YES, I do have one...  I just choose not to use it!)