Youth Group

I started out as a preschool teacher by trade.  I love working with children, so working with younger children seemed to make the most sense to me.  After Noah was born and I realized I needed to do something outside of Momhood that did not involve children Noah's age, a dear friend whispered in my ear about the youth group in our church.  TEENS????  *GULP*   I was raised Catholic, but was new to this church (outside of Catholicism), so I was considered a new Christian and knew nothing of listening to God, hearing His call, spiritual gifts or anything of the sort.  Instead, I thought, “Sure!  Sounds like it could be fun... I think…..”  Several of my friends were also leaders and I was certain that one way or another, I would have fun.

I’ve always been sort of intimidated by older kids though, so this was a new, frightening experience for me.  But, as I said, I’ve always loved working with kids, so I wanted to give it my best try.  One morning I woke up and realized I didn't just love working with kids, I loved working with these kids.  I was having fun!  I couldn’t wait to help plan the next sermon or event, I couldn’t wait to get to the next youth night, I couldn’t wait to see the kids again.  Not only did I love working with these kids, I loved them.  I still do.  I realized that I was even beginning to love them as my own.  And as I loved them as my own, I would have protected them with my life.  There are those special two or three who worked their way even further into my heart than the rest; they had me completely wrapped around their little fingers and they knew it (and they still do….). 

In the end, I learned that working with teens wasn’t really where God wanted me (I learned that whole spiritual gifts and listening to God "thing"...  not to make lightly of any of it, though), but I still love these kids, which is why this past week has been so difficult for me.  It also leads me to the point of my post….

Gossip, Rumors and Speculation…

I’ve heard numerous stories this past week, including the one the state police have given the parents of the teens involved in the car accident.  My point is that no one really knows the truth of what happened; only the kids who were in the car and God do.  I’ve heard gossip, rumors and speculation and honestly, I'm sick of it.  It hurts me and some of it has made me physically ill.  If it hurts me as a family friend, an honorary mama, and former youth leader of these beautiful teens, I can’t imagine what it’s done to the families.  I’m tired of the finger-pointing, of people saying, “See?  Don’t do that.”  These are “my” kids and I don’t want “my” kids being used examples.  I know lessons must be learned, but not this time; please, just let them be.  Go to church, go to school, go somewhere else: Learn your lessons there, teach your children there.  Don't use someone else's tragedy to teach and learn your lessons.  Don’t use the daughters and sons of mourning parents to teach and learn your lessons.

My best advice is this:  If you hear gossip, rumors or speculation in any situation, allow it to fall on deaf ears.  If you have the truth, set the person straight, give the facts, ask that he/she set the next person straight, then walk away.  If you don’t have the facts, please don’t add to the speculation.  Ask the person to not perpetuate the gossip, then change the subject.  If you need to talk about what happened, but can't trust the person you are with, don't share the details with that person. Find someone you can trust and ask them to keep everything you say confidential. Remember that the person who is being gossiped about is someone’s daughter, son, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, mom or dad.  He or she is important to and loved by someone.  Please keep in mind how you would feel if someone spread gossip about your family member, even if it's not being done intentionally or with malintent.  

The Thin Line Between Being Informative and Excusing (and Gossip?)

As a parent of a child with special needs, it's something I struggle with.  Am I informing this person of my child's diagnosis for the purpose of further educating the general (sometimes ignorant) public,  am I telling this person about it in an effort to excuse my child's unacceptable behavior (because let's face it, there are some behaviors that are inexcusable whether that child has a special need or not and most of the time, the child knows it) or worse: Am I gossiping about my own child?  Then there are the times you hear another parent in the crowd mention the word "Asperger" and you hone in on it like a pigeon, hunting down that other parent because you don't want to feel so alone.   Sometimes it's a thin line and even as a parent, it can be difficult to know.  Other times, it's just as black and white as Noah's world.   Two easy examples come to mind right away.

#1: A few weeks ago, I ran into a friend I haven't physically seen in almost two years.  I haven't seen her virtually in almost 6 months since I left the world of social networking.  I had Noah with me and we were trying to catch up while Noah bounced from one thing to another.  While we were standing in the coffee and tea aisle of the grocery store, she told me about her kids, I showed her pictures of Avery, caught her up on our homeschooling endeavors (not quite emotionally ready to write about that, yet) and about Noah's diagnosis.  She asked some good questions, mainly wondering what it would 'look' like to her, the uninformed.  Noah, helpful as always, played right along for me, checking out the fresh coffee grinders, inspecting each one, hoping one of them would automatically start spewing forth freshly ground coffee so he could see how they work.  He was being so careful not to touch anything he knew he shouldn't, but he was just so curious! I pointed at that and said to my friend, "That's Asperger's Syndrome.  At least, that's part of it."  I went on to explain it in a little more detail, how it affects him in public, in school, and at home.  THAT was informing my friend for the purpose of further educating her.  She asked, I answered.

#2: Last week, Noah was with me when I dropped Avery off at daycare before 'work.'  While I was signing him in, Noah curiously started going through one of the desk drawers.  He wasn't removing things, wasn't causing any problems.  I'm used to this and sadly, don't think twice about it.  Along with Asperger's, Noah is a naturally curious kid.  I keep a close eye on him, make sure he doesn't take anything or cause any damage.  Someone came through, slammed the drawer shut on him and said, "That is Miss (_)'s desk.  You don't belong in it."  Ouch.  She was right though, I was wrong and I made sure to say so to Noah in front of her.  Asperger's or not, Noah did not belong in that desk.  As his parent, I should have said something to Noah so this woman did not have to.  I desperately wanted to say, "Noah has Asperger's.  He's a naturally curious child and wasn't hurting anything," when what was really hurting was my parental pride.  I would not have been using his Asperger's to educate this person, I would have been using it as an excuse; AND again, Asperger's or not, I was wrong.  I should have told Noah "No," from the start.  THAT would have been an excuse for unacceptable behavior.  She did not ask about Noah's diagnosis, or if he even has one.

There are some thin lines too, though.  When I tell someone and get the inevitable, "Well, that explains a lot" response from someone who has known him a while, even if that person means well in their answer, I have to wonder what made me tell that person.  Am I gossiping about my child?  What business is it of that person's?  Or when I tell someone who doesn't play a big role in Noah's life.  He/she isn't Noah's teacher, Scout leader, family member or doctor, so what business is it of their's?  That person might not even be a close friend of mine who can lend moral support.  I might think I'm telling this person so he/she can understand my child better, but then I have no control over what that person will do with the information from there.  And I can't take it back after that!  Is this someone Noah would want knowing? I feel guilty for other reasons too: am I afraid of being a gossip, or am I ashamed of my own child? What is the real reason I don't tell people when I don't feel it's any of their business?


Then there are the days I feel like a homing pigeon.  I hear someone even whisper something that sounds like PDD, Asperger or Autism and I'm magnetically drawn to that person, immediately listening and sharing, whether I've been invited into the conversation or not (showing a little bit of Asperger's myself!).  I'm learning to be a little more tactful about inviting myself into these exclusive clubs, letting other parents know that I'm new to all of this and picking their brains for the greater good of my son, not for my own nosiness.  


There will be other times, through my volunteer work, that my knowledge will come in handy.  Not of Noah in particular, but of special needs and the things that go with it, in general.  Every little thing and person I encounter is teaching me something, which I in turn will use to teach someone else.  Mostly, I'm grateful for this knowledge and can take the rest with a grain of salt (it's the people who aren't in my position or without initials after their names who choose to impart their unsolicited health magazine-of-the-week knowledge on me that I find offensive).  I like to be helpful and informative, I like to hold the hand of someone who is walking the path I've navigated before (when I'm asked) and my shoulders are pretty good at holding other people up.  I just don't want to be the mom who make excuses for her children or gossips unnecessarily, so if you ever catch me doing that, please feel free to let me know!


*sigh*  It's a lot to think about! Maybe I'll just take a page from Noah's book and completely remove my proverbial filter....
(and for those of you who know me well, YES, I do have one...  I just choose not to use it!)