Who's Your Daddy? (Laying Down Your Burdens)

I'm one of those 34 year old little girls with issues.  I'm sure you've figured that out already.  For the most part, I grew up in a loving home.  I believe my parents did the best they could with what they had (don't tell my mother I said that; she still thinks I'm rebelling).  However, I still have issues.  No, I wasn't abused by my dad (thankfully).  In some ways though, it was worse.  I wouldn't say he was necessarily neglectful, but definitely absent.  Even when he was home, he was emotionally gone.  My dad was a military man (USMC, oo-RAH!), so he was seldom home.  Still, I had it better than some of our military friends.  We were stationed stateside, traveled very little and never saw overseas time (as a family).  For years, we blamed his emotional absenteeism on his time in Vietnam, but now that we know about the Autism/Asperger factor in our family, it makes me and my mom very curious.

My parents divorced several years ago.  Even though, in reality, it should not have taken any of us by surprise, it rocked my world.  I knew my parents had problems, but I thought they were workable.  Certainly, this was just my stubborn mother's way of getting my father's attention?  Nope.  She was dead serious.  She was gone.  It was nasty and it tore our family apart.  My sister and I have never had the relationship I've wanted us to have, my marriage was not unshakable and I was getting really sick really fast.  My mother moved back to Maine and I moved on with picking up the pieces of my father and what was left here in Virginia.  I didn't have much of a support system and I wasn't sure which end was up.  My dad moved into the city, closer to his job and came out here to stay with us on the weekends because he didn't know what else to do with himself.  Not knowing how to be on his own, Dad quickly started dating online.  As quickly as he started dating, he married a woman I did not approve of.  Neither did she like me, so I was not told about their wedding until several months after the fact (not even by my sister or my father's family).  Long story short, my father and I have not spoken in over 6 years.  He made the choice between his daughter and grandson (there was only Noah at the time) or his new wife.  To the best of my knowledge, he does not know about Avery (although I'm sure his family has told him).  While it is painful for me at times (and my children, who do not understand the abandonment), I have to realize that if he were still in my life, it would not be a healthy relationship (especially now that it includes his wife) for me or my children.  I have prayed for years to be able to see my father as human, to be able to forgive him.  Hopefully someday, I will.

All of that is background for the "real" story.

Please don't feel sorry for me.  I told you that as background, not as a sob story.  I had to learn and come of age with my earthly father so I can truly grow with my Heavenly Father.  It hit me like a ton of bricks one day in church a few years ago.  A friend of mine was singing with only an acoustic guitar as her background (which, with her voice, is simply a beautiful mix).  The song was Amy Grant's "Lay Down (The Burden of Your Heart)."  For me, this is a very emotional song.  Here is the chorus:

Lay down the burden of your heart

I know you’ll never miss it

Show your Daddy where it hurts

And let your Daddy lift it

Listening to my friend sing this song (almost a lullaby for me), sobbing silently, I felt at peace and weird, all at the same time.  A new reality hit me:  I had been asking the wrong daddy to fix things all my life.  A calm swept over me as I realized that my Heavenly Father is the only one who will never disappointment me (that's not to say I always agree with Him!): HE is my Daddy.  HE is the only one I can rely on and He will never abandon me.  I wanted to smack my forehead (DUH!): I'd been looking at things all wrong.  He calls me princess, daughter, beloved, beautiful.  He values me, He sent His only begotten son to die on the cross for me, He created me in His image.  He knows what is best for me and plans accordingly for my life.  He has walked these paths ahead of me and would not ask anything of me that He does not believe I am not strong enough to handle without His help.   He is my provider, my comforter, my healer.  He loves ME. What a startlingly new reality for me.  Likewise, even though my boys have a very wonderful earthly father, God is also their Daddy.  We're in this together.  God is the Ultimate Parent.


Last week was a rough one for me.  The past few weeks have been rough for me.  I've been going to churches for years, but I've never thought of my priests and pastors as anything other than that:  priests and pastors.  Last week my pastor sought me out to ask how I've been doing.  Not only that, he grabbed me up in a big bear hug and prayed over me after I broke down crying when he asked how I was doing and I couldn't answer him with words.  He held on to me until I was okay, then told me that not only is he the pastor of our wonderful church, but he likes to think of himself as the dad of the church and the women as his daughters, myself included.  This gentle man has not known me long enough or well enough to possibly know my daddy issues, but his simple statement went right to my heart.  Once again, I knew we'd chosen the right church for our family.

Do my daddy issues with my earthly father still pop up?  Absolutely.  I'd be lying if I told you otherwise.  I pray that someday I'll be able to go to bed one night not having thought of him that day, wondering if he has thought of me that day, knowing that most likely he hasn't.  I pray that with time, peace will fill over the hole in my heart and ease the ache.  I pray that I will find ways to ease the ache of abandonment that my sons feel and don't understand.  I pray I will be able to let go of the anger I feel each time I am reminded that for whatever reason, Noah blames himself that my father left us.  I pray that my family and I can finally heal these wounds.  I often wonder what I'd do if I were to pick up the ringing phone or answer the door to find him on the other end.  Reality tells me I don't have to worry about knowing the answer because neither will ever happen.  He has moved on and I need to do the same.  So, I'm moving on with God--My Daddy--whom I have promised to praise in the good and in the bad, and who has promised to always be with me and my sons.  Thank you, God, for loving us and for being our Daddy.


I tried to find a video for Lay Down (the Burden of Your Heart) because you really have to hear it, rather than read the lyrics, for the full effect.  Unfortunately, I gave up after an hour of searching.  I did find another link that you can listen to, though.  I hope you will take the time to listen to this song.  So, sit back, turn up the volume, close your eyes and enjoy!

http://new.music.yahoo.com/amy-grant/tracks/lay-down-the-burden-of-your-heart--178513633