A Lesson Learned, and a Visit to Grandmother's House

This past weekend was to be the weekend I went on the women's retreat with the women from my church.  Notice I said was.  I didn't make it.  For all of my arguing with God and foot stomping, I ended up here in Maine with my mom and grandmother.  This coming Friday is the first anniversary of my grandfather's death and I decided it was more important to come up to spend some valuable time with my grandmother, rather than go on the retreat. 

I did learn a very valuable lesson in writing my post about the retreat, and I'm curiously wondering if that was more God's point than for me to actually go.  I learned I'm not alone in my fears, worries and feelings surrounding rooms full of women and retreats!  I don't know if that was more a major relief for me, or for the women who responded to my post via email.  It was just an amazing revelation for me.  And guess what else I learned?  I am less fearful of going next year, and God willing, I will be among the first to find a roommate and turn in my deposit!  It's always a good feeling to find out there are others "like us" out there, that we're not alone; to know that someone else across the room is feeling similarly to the way we may be feeling.  Kind of like the unspoken Buddy System!

So, here I am at my mom's house, quietly whiling the days away for the next week with my grandmother.  Yes, I said quietly.  I am minus my children and my husband.  Not even a potted plant to take care of!  For the first time, I flew on an airplane by myself (I read a big people book for two whole hours completely undisturbed!), and for the first time in 11 years, I do not have a child wrapped around my leg, hanging off my arm or sitting on my hip.  I told my best friend that I feel like the world's worst mother: I left my children for the first time ever, for seven days, and I felt like dancing! Now, that doesn't mean I wasn't crying when I left them in the airport!  Looking at their little faces and their tears as I walked away was just torture.   No one is demanding my attention, or constantly calling "Mom!  Hey Mom!  Mooooo-om!"  It is so quiet.  And okay, maybe a little lonely!  I do miss my family, but I need this time with my grandmother.   The past several mornings, I've taken over an hour to enjoy my coffee on the back porch while watching birds swoop in and out of the many birdfeeders in the yard with my grandmother, just enjoying the sun reflecting off the water.  My mom and I have enjoyed each other's company doing various things, and both of them have enjoyed the many stories I have about my boys.  I have visited with aunts and uncles, and I'm anxiously waiting to meet my cousins' new babies (four new additions in the past year!).

In the background though, is the silence and quiet that my grandfather left behind.  I miss him, and being here is more difficult than I thought it would be.  This week I will make my lasagna that he loved so much, but he won't be here to enjoy it. Last year was the last time I'd ever hear him sing my praises as his favorite cook.  His chair on the porch has been left just as it always was, his side table still has his books, camera and chest sitting on it.  He is a silent presence, at least for me.  I am reassured that he is healed, that he is healthy and whole now, and I know that he is with our Heavenly Father.  But that doesn't mean I miss him any less.

My grandmother is calling, time to get back out on the porch!  We've got more birdwatching to do, and more quiet to enjoy!