Motherhood Schmotherhood

Every few months, typically when my depression worsens during the winter, I go through partial mid-life crises.  These past 5 years have been the worst, I think.  Last year I was actually looking at apartments and nearly left my family.  This year, I knew it was coming (only took me 5 years to figure out the pattern....) and was a little better prepared for it.  Maybe prepared isn't the right word--but at least more aware of it.   There are days I just can't cope.  I look at my children, having separated them already 50 times and it's only 7:30, and wonder, "WHERE IS YOUR MOTHER???"  Oh, wait.... What???

These are the days I start panicking.  I'm almost 40, and I haven't done anything with my life.  I literally can't think straight, and can't talk sense to myself.  I have no purpose!  My life revolves around my kids, my husband--and, and--wait, there's nothing else!  Sure, I've done a lot of things; I'm raising two kids, I bake and cook, keep house, I volunteer, I used to teach--but what do I DO?  At this point in my life, what would my epithet say?  "Boy, she sure could bake a great loaf of bread!"

Time and time again, I feel as though life is just passing me by.  I have trained for disaster response, I have trained for missions trips, I am educated as a teacher and an advocate, I've had some training in grief response, I have the heart to do it all.  Let me feed Your poor and starving, Lord!  Let me hold Your orphans' hands, hug Your mothers and fathers, play with Your children, clean up messes, build wells and homes!

And God says.... No.  Not yet.  It's not time.

And I stomp my feet and yell at the unfairness.  BUT I WANT TO, LORD!

And God says....  It's not time.  Your place is HERE.

When will it be my time???

Ugh.  Sigh.

And yes, I know I'm not the only mom who goes through this.  But there are times it feels like it.  This is one of the reasons social media is so bad for me--I see #ilovebeingamommy, #beingamommyisthebestjobintheworld, #mykidsaresowellbehavedandawesomeandbeautiful...  Blah blah blah.  And yes, I also know most of those mothers are lying through their teeth.  I want to vomit when I read that kind of stuff.  I allow their perfectionism to make me feel like even less of a mother than I already do, and that just continues my downward spiral.  Oh, look who's doing snow day crafts with their kids again!  Seriously?  When my kids have been fighting since 6 am, and the neighbor's rooster has been crowing (we live in a neighborhood, by the way) since 4:30 am, I can barely keep my eyes open by 8 am, much less, perform the thought processes necessary to keep mine from fighting while trying to even attempt a craft project.  I figure as long as we're all still alive at the end of the day, we're doing pretty well.

Here's the thing.  I'm a pessimist, and a realistic, and cynical, and sarcastic.  Makes for an odd combination, but there you have it. Sarcasm and cynicism are my defense mechanisms.  I never have, and never will, poop rainbows.  I smile at strangers, and gripe at my family. I've never been easily satisfied, and a life of optimistic, grateful satisfaction has never felt real to me.  It feels more like I'm faking it and putting on airs.  It's not who I am.  But, it's who I need to be.

I know God has things planned for me--once the kids are grown.  Right now, they are where I'm needed.  I'd love to have an "outside life" but I can't imagine having to give my kids up to a daycare to raise.  I see my single mom friends who don't have nearly enough time with their kids, who want that time, and I know I'm blessed.  We don't have much, but I'm grateful for what we do have, and I'm grateful we don't need much so I can stay home.  I have to remind myself that I asked for these children, prayed for these children, and wanted this life/lifestyle... And the fighting, and endless drudge work, and chores and errands are all part of it.  Life is not passing me by, but it will if I continue to forget that.  It will pass me by if I continue to focus on the fighting, and forget to focus on the good moments.

God reminds me, thank goodness for His cool head when I go off the deep end, that my time is better spent here with my kids.  Even in the bleary eyed, not-enough-coffee-in-the-world mornings, my kids are my current missions work, they are my ministry, they are where I'm needed.  This is how I'm building my knowledge and love to do what God has prepared for me next.  I may not always like where I am, I may feel that pull when disaster happens or the next missions trip is announced, but I know I need serve my family with a grateful heart, here and now.  This is where I am, this is where I need to find my gratitude and satisfaction.  My time is now, and I need to live it, rather than take it for granted. Yes, my life revolves around my kids... Because I'm a MOM.

I'm only almost 40.  I've done, and I'm doing, a lot with my life.  I'm raising young gentlemen, Christ followers, boys who will be good men, husbands and fathers.  I'm providing for them in my own ways.  Life is not passing me by, it's happening right here and now.

There will be plenty of time to find Amy, to start a new chapter, when this chapter is written.