Bible Study Drop Out

Seriously, did you hear "beauty school drop ooouttt" a la Grease when you read that, the way I heard it when I typed it???

Anyway.

I keep trying to write a post about the new church we've been attending, and everything that has gone into our move there, but it just doesn't feel right still.  Someday, it will come.  Right now, I still can't get the words right, or the feelings right.  There's just too much in my head to sort through and make sense of still.

Anyway.

When we first started attending this new church, Shawn and I swore off joining anything.  We are not joiners to begin with, we are more like the social recluses who cling to the wall in the hopes we won't be noticed, but we've found with past churches that joining leads to even more insecurities than we are prepared to deal with.  I am not one for cliques, and sadly, I've found many churches to have cliques worse than high school.  I am not into competition--you either like me or you don't--and I am not someone's project.  Besides all of that, I prefer people at an arm's length.  I have a few close friends who know me inside and out, but beyond that, I am just not into all that sharing and girlhood closeness.  I have tried, in the past, to be part of that, but have only been met with disappointment when I did not measure up to what 'they' wanted.  Maybe it's all perception, but it's my perception, and this is my blog, so there's that.  I don't like bible studies, or anything that gets a bunch of women (or people in general) together for what has the potential to be intimate discussion.  It becomes more and more difficult to keep that arm's length distance.  People want to know about you, your life, your feelings.  It starts to get personal.  Then they want you to join other things, and when you don't, things get weird.  They don't like you as much, and that so-called unconditional acceptance you are supposed to be able to find in church begins to wear off.  You start finding out just how fake some people are beneath their surface Christianity.  Oh--and there's that whole working-through-your-issues thing, too, depending on the study.  Yes, there's that.

So, Shawn and I swore off joining.  We just want to go, attend on Sunday, do our family stuff with the kids throughout the week, and have that be it.  We've been attending since September, and things have worked just fine for us this way.

Then Noah joined the audio/tech group.  All on his own.

Then God moved us from the back row (gasp), our comfort zone, to the way-too-close-to-the-front rows in the middle of the church.

And our pastor has this point he makes every week:  "No one is worth going to hell over," meaning, if past hurts are keeping you from moving forward... Move on.

God is moving within our family, and if we don't hang on, He's going to drag us one way or another (which for us tends to involve kicking and screaming).

Soooo.  Our church recently began their spring connections groups drive.  I flipped through the book.  A few looked interesting.  Sure, I'd like to do them.  BUT, I'd have to JOIN.  People will know my name and want to have conversations on Sunday morning.  There wouldn't be anymore closing myself off in my protective little bubble. There's that word again. JOIN. Ugh.  Sigh.  NO.  Just NO.

However, after the service, I found myself in the lobby, pen in hand, signing up not just for one, but TWO studies.  Wow, talk about hiking up the big girl panties!  I've told myself, as I have before, I will stick these out.  Both are focused on becoming a better mom, and I owe this to my children.   You know who else I owe this to?  God.  He craves a deeper, more meaningful relationship with me, and He wants me to have a better, deeper relationship with my children.  He did not die on the cross so I could sit around and whine about not wanting to join.  So, I am praying, and working on changing my mindset.  This is not about the collective them, or my perceptions, it's about becoming a better follower of Christ, a better mom and wife, and just a better me overall.  I have no excuses this time: childcare is provided (Avery will benefit from playing with other children), they are morning classes (nighttime driving and exhaustion have always been a major excuse for evening classes), and really, I just need this.  I deserve to do this for myself.  I will give this church, these groups, an unprejudiced chance, and will not judge based on past experiences. I know I will be guarded, I feel that's just who I am, but I will go into this with open eyes, and an open heart.