Letting Go

I watched Avery climb this tree today, all on his own.  He was adamant that he did not want help. Shawn stood by, waiting just in case he was needed.  I stood by, ready in case something bigger was needed--ice, 911, Mommy's kisses.  What I really wanted to do was say, "No!  Don't do that!  You're too little!  You'll get hurt!"  For the record, even though it was on the tip of my tongue, I bit the words back and instead, cheered him on.

Those times I think are some of the hardest as a mom--loosening the apron strings and letting go just a bit.  Believing in our children, accepting that there are times we need to let them do things on their own, even if it means getting hurt or failing.

It got me thinking too, about all the times I get myself up a tree, metaphorically, yelling at God, "I can do this myself!  I don't need or want Your help!  Your way is not MY way!"

Hmmmm.  Yup.  I can be a real brat sometimes.  I don't want to submit to His will and His ways.  I want it done my way, in my time frame, because I said so.

And, because He has given us free will, even when He wants to step under my tree and catch me, even when He wants to tell me I will get hurt--He doesn't.  He steps back, knowing I have to learn on my own.  I have to learn, and learn again, that I cannot do this thing called life on my own.  I cannot do it my way, and I do have to submit to His will.  When I'm ready to come down from my tree, He always takes me back, helps me brush off the dust and dirt, and points me back in the proper direction.  Father knows best.

Interestingly, this wasn't the only learning-through-my-children moment today.  I had to talk with Noah about jealously and anger tonight.  I used myself as the example, explaining to him how much I want a baby right now, but God has said no.  I have to submit to that answer, even with the anger and rage I feel about it.  I don't like His decision, but I do have to live with it.   Again, Father knows best.  Just as our decision concerning Noah stands and he has to live with it, because we are his parents and we know best. As Christians, we are taught to not covet what our friends, family and neighbors have, which is pretty hard for a kid to do.  You know something?  It's pretty hard for a 37 year old to do too.  I explained to Noah that I want to be angry at other women right now, the pregnant ones, the ones who get to have all the babies they want, but I can't allow myself to.  Instead, I have to find happiness and joy for them in their moment.  This is my moment to learn, whatever it is God has planned will play out.  In submitting to my anger, rage and jealousy, I am allowing the enemy of my soul to win this round, and I will not allow that.

It's 'funny' what our kids can teach us when we are open to it, even as we are trying to teach them.  I don't want to let go of my children, I don't want to let go of my feelings, but I can't keep them clutched in my fist forever.  I have to let go.  Father knows best.

*the true irony in this post is how I originally typed out the title: "Letting God."  Freudian?  Perhaps.  God?  Definitely.*