Community and Motherhood

Due to an overwhelming variety of factors, I isolated myself as a new mother.  It felt as though all Noah did was cry, and I did not know where to take him, how to launch myself into a community, or how to turn my constantly red-faced, screaming infant over to a sitter.  My main sources of interaction were my mother, Shawn, and my friend at the time--she herself a newly single mother with a newborn and two older children, and her own overwhelming set of issues. Healthy, right?  I did not have a community.

Depression was a pit, and I had dragged my infant into it with me.  It mired me, and consequently, it mired Noah.  Looking back, I have to wonder how much of his crying was due to being stuck at home with Mommy, 24/7!  I did eventually try a few moms groups and a few other things.  They weren't for me though, and really only served in making me feel (in me making myself feel) even more inadequate and incapable as a mother.  I know that, as a result, Noah became isolated and socially challenged, leading to many chicken-or-the-egg questions in the back of my mind about his Asperger's. And there continued the cycle of feelings of inadequacy and incapability.  Still no community.

Anyway.

Fast Forward.

With Avery, I was in a much better place emotionally, spiritually and physically. I had built up a better friend 'bank' and had plenty of support, but not really any close friends with infants or toddlers.    I knew I needed to be involved with moms experiencing life the way I was, and I learned that there is NOTHING wrong with turning a red-faced, screaming infant over to a sitter!  I knew that for both of us, for our mental and physical health, we needed community.  This time around, I was going to get it right!

I really didn't know where to start though.  I was kind of lost with it.  We had just begun attending a new church, and I'm really not much of a joiner, so I looked at the lists of studies offered and thought, "I should be attending one of these.."  It's something I have to force, and I'm really more comfortable hugging the wall than I am socializing (until I get to know you, and I'm comfortable with you--then, trust me, you'll wish you had duct tape and a straight jacket for me and a glass of wine for yourself).  God bless her, the women's ministry leader worked with Shawn, trying to pull me out of my shell.  Have I mentioned how resistant I am to socializing????  She had her work cut out for her.

I tried a few bible studies in the new church, some playgroups, but nothing really clicked.  Avery and I went to toddler gym where we met with the same group of moms each week, but it wasn't really community.  A friend then approached me about joining MOPs, where she was president.  What???  Was she kidding?  There will be PEOPLE there!  Was she CRAZY????  I did end up going, and I will always be glad I did.  I will admit that, in the beginning, I went to support her in her role, and because she had invited me.  Then I discovered... I was enjoying myself!  *Gasp*  We had....  COMMUNITY.

Avery aged out of MOPs and I stopped going.  We moved to another church last fall, and, even though it's taken me almost a year, I did finally start attending bible studies.  One in particular, in the home of another mom, has been a saving grace. COMMUNITY.  There's that word again.  I can't tell you how necessary it's become for me.  There aren't many of us, just a few of us with small children, and we support each other.  I've even become comfortable enough that they've begun searching for my straight jacket and their glass of wine. We talk about our kids, the trials of motherhood, the ministry that is motherhood. We do have a book so we can have guided discussions, but well, you know how that goes.  And you know what?  We don't sit around complaining about our children, it's nothing like that! And I love that about our group!  Even in the trials, there is only lifting up, laughter, and prayer.  I leave each week with a smile, set straight(er) on my path, reminded that I am not the only who experiences motherhood the way I do, that so much of what I experience is normal.

If you are a new mom, or even if motherhood is old hat to you--I would encourage you to find a community.  Please don't isolate yourself, and your child.  Trust me, believe me, I know how painful stepping out into the world can be, how scary it is!  You, and your child, will thank yourself for doing so though, I promise you.  Even if it's just for coffee once a week, it's an important venture to make.  Think of it as an investment in your health, and your child's well being.  

Oh gosh!  I almost forgot the most important part!  Find a community with a built in sitter!  That's the key!  :)