I recently made a very frightening, anxiety inducing, life altering decision: I'm going back to school. Yes, that's right. I've decided it's time to finish my degree. I'm changing schools, and changing course a bit, based on where God has led me throughout my life and where I think He's got me headed. It's interesting.
I wouldn't have done this without Shawn pushing me, without God pushing me, and honestly--without our church. Shawn has been fantastic about it. He decided to finish school himself last year, and since then, has become my biggest advocate. He's always been my champion, but he's really been encouraging me (shoving me forward out of my comfort zone) to do this for myself. I filled out the application last August, but let it go. I just wasn't sure, and it was kind of an impulse thing. I picked up the application, and next thing I knew, Shawn put a pen in my hand and was spelling out the information to his dumbstruck wife. After that, I kind of sort of ignored the phone calls and emails from the school. I had gotten as far as the application, but the rest--well, that was a challenge. I have this habit of bulling forward with excitement over something new, then coming up short when I realize it might be more than I anticipated. It was exciting to fill out the application, but I was comfortable leaving it at that for the time being. Anything else was too intimidating. Each time the Caller ID would announce the college's number, Shawn would yell, "God is calling! You better answer that!" It got to the point at which even the boys were yelling, "Mom! Would you please answer God!"
Then Shawn and I began a class through our church back in January... A class to help us identify our spiritual gifts and identify some possible future paths. The first night of our class, our pastor told us it's been a life changing class for many in our church. Some people have changed jobs and careers, others have gone back to school... Wait, what? I heard my husband snort, sitting next to me, give me the hairy eyeball and whisper, "Are you gonna answer God NOW????"
I couldn't ignore it any longer. Even though I tried. And I tried really, really hard. Trust me. I figured the deeper I buried my head in the sand, the more I could just ignore God's call. I've considered going back to school before, but I worried about the financial strain on our family, as well as the physical strain on all of us. I didn't see it in the cards for me, not any time soon. Sure, it would be nice, but not entirely practical. Besides, I'm a SAHM--and I just signed on for at least another 18 years. When am I going to have the chance to use such an expensive education? It felt selfish. Last Wednesday morning, I received an email: "Here are the transcripts you ordered." I didn't order any transcripts. What transcripts? I saw the twinkle in Shawn's eyes and realized he'd sent me 'flowers;' knowing I was dragging my own feet, he ordered my transcripts for me.
Today, it became official. I am officially a transfer student at Liberty University, majoring in Crisis Management and minoring in Homeland Security (which is really just a fancy way of saying Disaster Response/Management). I chose not to finish at my old school, as well as choosing a different major for several reasons: I'm at a different place in my life, with different views of the world, and different needs. My faith is more important to me now, and that's the path I want to follow. It would be cheaper, easier and faster to finish my original degree at my original school--but it's not what I need or what I want now.
The encouragement and support I've received from my family and friends has been overwhelming. The hug Avery gave me, and the high five from Noah, both of them telling me they're proud of me, my husband and friends telling me they're proud of me, it's been worth it. Just getting this far has been worth it already.
I feel totally crazy though--with a newborn? Going back to school? In the middle of breastfeeding, sleepless nights, packing lunches, carpooling, goodnight prayers, school volunteering and everything else being a mother entails? I'm going back to school? NOW????
Yes, NOW. I realized I need to do this for myself. I doubt it will be easy, but it IS doable. I need something to call my own, something to do to take care of myself. I need something to battle the inevitable postpartum depression, when I all I do is baby babble. I lost myself, and my way, in a very big, dangerous way, with our first two boys. I need something that will anchor me, and help me keep a grip a reality. I do believe this is it. I'm scared, I'm excited, but I'm looking forward to the challenge. This will be good.
You go, girl! Congratulations on taking that huge step and going back. Just remember to BREATHE.
ReplyDeleteI remember feeling overwhelmed with it all last semester, then a voice reminded me, "He will never give you more than He knows you can handle," and that's really stuck with me. He truly does provide, and He has our best interests and needs in mind, and has taken them to heart, when He starts prompting (and sometimes shouting ;)) at us to do something.
You've got this :)