Breaking Mommy

As you know from some of my previous posts, I firmly believe in supporting each other as moms, within our mommy community.  Encouragement, hugs and unconditional, non-judgmental support.  It's vital.  One of the most important things I've ever heard as a mom has been, "Don't worry, it happened to me too."

So, I'm here to confess--Avery broke me yesterday.  It happened.  And if your kids break you, it's okay.  It happens.

Our day began at 5:30 am, when Avery, excited to have had a friend spend the night, and eager to begin their full day, woke the entire house up.... And then refused to go back to bed.  I begged.  I pleaded.  I pointed out that he was being rude and inconsiderate to his friend (and us...).  I tried bribing him.  Then I started yelling.  In front of his friend.  Who was just as tired as the rest of us.  JUST.  GO.  BACK.  TO.  BED.  For the love of God, child, PLEASE.  Did I mention the little boys had been up until 9:30 the night before?  Did I mention that Avery goes from 0-1000 in the time it takes him to reach his bedroom door from his bed when he wakes up?  He is the sort of child who falls asleep mid-sentence, and wakes up finishing that sentence.

I had not slept well.  When Avery woke up, I was still trying to get back to sleep after my brain woke up at 2. I was so tired I couldn't regroup.  I could not get it together.  I parked the two littles in front of the tv, served them breakfast, then tried to keep my eyes open long enough to drink my caffeine free, sugar free hot drink, praying for a placebo effect.

Avery's friend was exhausted.  This is a little boy who likes his sleep.  He needs his sleep.  Don't get me wrong--Avery needs his sleep as well, but he just doesn't seem to believe in such a thing.  His friend and I were just about done with the day by noon.  Sadly, it will probably be a while before his friend wants to spend time with us again.

Avery was obviously tired as well, but throughout the day, it came out in attitude and bad behavior.  He continually gave me angry eyes, he scowled at me, refused to listen, and continued on doing his own thing, just flat out refusing to follow direction.  Nothing worked, and I reached the point at which I was beyond trying.  He wore me down, and he broke me. The day only got worse, until I finally snapped.  In public.  In front of strangers.  In front of Avery's friend.  I spanked my child and yelled.  While we were eating ice cream, in what was supposed to be a celebration for Noah's orchestral accomplishments that day.

Needless to say, not my finest moment.

But here's my point--I felt severely judged by the other people surrounding us.  I could feel their eyes, and in my head, I heard the whispers:  What a terrible mother.  He's just acting like a five year old.  Why can't she get him under control?  She SPANKED her child.  What they thought they were seeing was a mother overreacting and unleashing unholy hell on her child.  What they didn't see was the entire 11 hours before that, which built up to that point.

I used to be one of those judgy people.  I was the one whispering and staring, horrified by the parent's behavior toward the child.  Then I had children of my own.  And I realized--what we usually see in public is the result of a build up.  It is not always just an automatic, immediate response.  These are parents driven to their breaking point, for whatever reason, by whatever cause.  They've been worn down.

Was I wrong?  Absolutely. Did I apologize to my child?  Yes. And I hugged him, reminding him that I do love him. Does that make what I did okay?  Nope.  It was not Avery's fault I couldn't sleep that night, and it was even less his fault that I lacked self control and could not turn the day around. I was not disciplining my child.  I was lashing out in frustration and anger. Are those parents we judge, who lose it in public, wrong?  That part isn't any of my business (let's just remember there is a difference between abuse and a build-up related temporary snap), and it's not yours either.  Instead of judging those parents, offer a smile, a pat on the arm, and a kind word or two.  I've been there.  My kid broke me, too.

Our kids have bad days, and we have bad days.  Sometimes they happen on the same day. Don't forget that.  Be kind.  You never know what battles those parents are facing.

And if you are the one snapping?  I promise to not judge you.  Tomorrow is a new day.