Grace's Gift

I've written before about my daughter.  I've also told you before that the only reason I know she is a girl is because of a dream Noah had when he was much younger. That was God's, and Noah's, gift to me.  Reassurance. Grace.  Mercy.

One of the things I still can't quite decide?  figure out? understand? is what to tell people when they ask me how many children I have.  I have four children, but only three you can see.  Some would say she was 'just' a miscarriage, but to me, she is, and always be my child. 

It took me a long time to come to terms with my miscarriage.  I was bitter, angry, frustrated.  I know Grace happened for a reason, but it's taken me until now to be able to put into words just what her exact gift is.  Her gift is the appreciation and gratitude I have for her brothers.  I have a gratitude for their lives, for my joy in motherhood, my appreciation for my ability to even be a mom, that I'm not sure I would have, if not for her loss and our infertility journey.  I love her more, and her brothers more, because of the insight and perspective she's given me.

My dearest Grace, I will always miss the milestones I did not get to share with you, but, BUT, I will always be grateful for the lessons you've left as your legacy.  To know that your life was not for not, but you did--still do--have an incredible purpose, that gives me so much love, gratitude, hope and faith. A lifetime would never be long enough to thank you enough.

Your mommy loves you, dear baby girl.  I miss you, but I know now that your greatest purpose was never here on earth.  Thank you for everything you've given me, for everything you've given your daddy and your brothers, and for living up to your great, amazing, beautiful name.