Confessions of a (SAHM, Homeschooling) Quarantined Mom

Does anyone know what day of the week it is?  What month?  Are we still in 2020???

What is even going on anymore????

The littles and I have been stuck safe at home for nearly 6 weeks.

According to our state, we've got 6 more weeks to go.  Six.  More.  Weeks.

Due to my health, I cannot leave the house.  Target... I miss you... Starbucks... Do you still remember my usual?  Shawn is essential, which means he's got to go into the office.  It also means we see very little of him.  Noah is out of work, but running calls.

We're not making any unnecessary errands, we finally have enough TP and paper towels, we haven't wanted for cleaning supplies, we're washing our hands, sanitizing Shawn's and Noah's cars, they're following necessary safety protocols at the station and the office--we're doing our part.

The littles and I finished school about 3 weeks ago.  Avery and I have some loose ends to wrap up, but we're pretty much through with it.  He was able to finish up his co-op tutored classes, as well as his independent classes through Zoom.  God bless his teachers, tutors and the creators of Zoom.  We could very well have just ended things the way they were with classes, but our teachers and tutors have worked around the clock to ensure proper closure for all of our kids.  While we were scrambling to explain things to our kiddos, they were scrambling to put measures in place so we could still say hi to friends, have conversations, play games and have classes.

I will be honest... I've neglected my mamas and our group.  We had to end our Embrace Grace group with the promise of throwing the baby shower; our Bloom had her baby without us being able to cheer her on, and have only seen her sweet little girl via text.

Being an introvert and seldom leaving the house as it were already, I really thought we (I) could nail this.  It didn't seem much would change for us.  We had this quarantine down! Not much would change for us, right?

And then--everything changed, while staying the same.  Does that make sense?

Y'all--this is hard.  Like, hard hard.

And I really don't like saying that.

I don't like feeling like a complainer.

I know how fortunate we are in this situation.  We have so much to be grateful for.  And we are.  I know so many of us are in similar boats.  I know allll sorts of things, but... This is HARD.

Like most kids across our country and around the world, mine were suddenly yanked from some of the comforts and friends they knew, struggling to understand and grasp the suddenness of the uncertainty so many of us were thrust into.  Ezra was excelling in OT one minute, making incredible strides--then the office closed.  We're continuing what we can at home, but we've still seen some regression.  It's frustrating.  Avery and Ezra are both extroverts, and this has been horribly awful for them.  Avery's anxiety has come back in the forms of tears and nightmares, and he's back in our bed by midnight most nights.  He's been afraid to even go outside, admitting to getting in trouble with the police.  Reassuring my kids has become a 24/7 job.  Ezra's best buddy from co-op has promised him a play-dough playdate when this is over, so every day Ezra asks if he will see Isaac today.  I've lost count of how many times I've answered, "Not today, sweetheart.  Soon, though."  With most events, we are able to make check boxes, framing things as "(fill in the blank) more sleeps!"  But with this, there are just too many sleeps for him to comprehend.  We scrambled to find a cake, flour, a cake mix--anything--for Ezra's birthday.  Friends mailed their own flour and their own cake mixes to us.  I sincerely hope you have friends like mine surrounding you.

Oh, and to those who have said this quarantine is an introvert's dream come true--I have some strong, scary words for you.

Just as quickly as classes were closed, so were our church and our groups.  We were all left floundering, wondering what is next and how to keep in touch.

We miss our people.  We miss life outside our yard.

On any typical day, our household is incredibly intense.  It's just who we are as individuals, and who we are as a family.  During this crisis, as much as we've tried to downplay it for the littles, we've just become more intense.  Between you and me?  I didn't think that was possible.

On a difficult day, pre-quarantine, I had the ability to pack everyone in the car and hit Chik-Fil-A, head to Target, grab a chai and cruise the aisles with the kids.  We had the opportunity to get out of our own heads backyard and head to a park.

We have gone for two rides, we've done a couple "social distance" playdates in driveways, and we've made some surprise love deliveries to a few porches.  We leave fun sidewalk-chalk messages at the bottom of our driveway, and rearrange our animal statues in the front yard, hoping to provide some laughs.

While other families are struggling to learn togetherness, balancing work and homeschooling, finding themselves suddenly in a situation we long ago became accustomed to, showing off their color coded schedules, proclaiming the many lessons they're learning about cherishing these times and their children--yeah.  They want to share their pearls of wisdom with the world, absolutely certain these are things everyone else has yet to learn.  Could you... Please just, maybe not?

*ahem*  Sorry.  Quarantine Amy has no chill.  As I said, we've become um, a little more intense.

You know what I've learned, though?  Actually, this is something I already knew going into this.  *The days I forget my sense of humor are absolutely, without a doubt, the most difficult.*  Read that again.

On a good day, pre-quarantine, I was not the schedule-oriented, color-coded, get-yer-butts-in-gear mom, as so many on social media have shown up to be.  We've found that doesn't work for us; we work and function better in a more relaxed atmosphere--okay, what qualifies as relaxed for us.

Pre-quarantine, I had stopped comparing myself to social media standards, I had found my tribe, I was rolling.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

I am tired.  I miss human contact outside of my own people.  My depression has plummeted, I'm trying to hide my own anxiety from my kids, I've had a massive flare up with swelling, migraines and intense pain.  We're all tired.  We're all weary.  I know we're not alone.

I've given up the basement to the children.  Psstt... Silver lining to sending them to the basement: I'm saying the word 'penis' less...  I've thrown devices at them for just a few minutes of quiet to myself...

Confession time: Sometimes, I scream into my pillow.  Or I attempt to hide in my closet with what's left of my Hershey bar stash.  Raise your hands if you're with me.

Right now, it just feels as though we're in survival mode.  I'm certain that applies to the majority of you, as well.  I wish I had some tips, some words of wisdom--anything for you.  But really, all I can tell you is--stay healthy, stay home.  Let's keep picking each other up.  Let's keep rallying around each other. Let's keep reminding each other that yes, it's okay to admit this is difficult.  And yes, we can be grateful even while admitting things like this to each other.

And--y'all--those first hugs when we emerge from this are going to be absolutely golden.