Why?

Some things aren't meant for our own understanding, yet we question them anyway.

The little town I live in has been hit by a tragedy and it has rocked my own world personally.  Five teenagers were in a car accident and only two of them survived.  Two of the teens in the accident were/are children of one of my best friends.  My friend lost one of her daughters and is keeping vigil at her son's bedside in a trauma unit.  I can't even begin to make sense of any of this.  I keep hoping I will wake up and find out this was just a horrible nightmare, or just some stupid, rotten mistake.  I know I'm not the only one.

I have loved these two children, and their little sister, as my own, for many years now.  Their mom, my friend, loves my boys as her own.  She was instrumental in saving my life and leading me back to God, back to Jesus and back to the church when I did not want to be led or saved.  I love this woman with all my heart and it kills me to see the pain she is in right now.  Her ex-husband (a wonderful man) is also very important to me and it pains me to see him go through this, too.   The two oldest children have always treated Noah as a little brother; they never treated him differently for his differences.  There were times I wanted to wring D's neck for what he was teaching Noah (!), but I love him for loving my son.  I love this whole family with my whole heart.

Shawn and I talked to Noah, explaining to him that A is now in heaven and D is in the care of good doctors and that we need to pray.  We told him as much of the truth as he can understand.  Noah isn't sure what to do.  He loves both of these kids as older siblings.  D is always busy getting into "trouble" with me for the things he was teaching Noah.  A looked after Noah (and he often drove her nuts, as any good little brother would do!) when we attended the same church and Bible studies.  For several years, their home was our second home.  I can rationalize my grandfather's death for Noah (he was 90, had a good, long full life), but this, I just can't even begin explain to myself, so how I can I make it make sense for my ten year old?  Noah wants to see D and we've promised him that we'll take him, but right now is just not the right time, so we're having him make a big poster and I'm passing hugs instead.  We've been praying as a family and I've been seeing friends from my old church to pray with them and plan support for the families involved.  This isn't how I wanted to get back in touch with them or with the kids I worked with in the youth group, but this is unfortunately how it is happening.

I feel such a profound sense of loss right now that I don't even know where to begin.  If I feel this way, I can't imagine how the parents must feel.  I don't want to imagine how the parents must feel.  I've been on auto-pilot since getting the call and I'm grateful that my mom is here visiting to help me with the boys and that I can rely on Shawn to be the husband I need him to be.  Even in the midst of this, I am so blessed.  The grief comes in waves.  At times it still feels very surreal and I wonder when I'll wake up from this terrible nightmare.  It helps that I was able to see D the night it happened;  Shawn and I ran to be with our friends, spending the night in the ER and then the TICU waiting room.  I was able to hold D's hand, kiss him, talk to him, tell him how much I love him that first night.   Shawn is going to take me back to see him tomorrow.

A was such a beautiful young lady.  She had a beautiful singing voice and was great with kids.  She especially loved the little ones; I remember the way she looked at Avery as she cradled him when he was a newborn.  She was a year out of high school. The reality that I will never again be bowled over by one of her run-and-jump hugs as she comes out of nowhere hasn't quite sunk in yet.  A was a petite, tiny little girl, but she always managed to knock me off my feet!  I'm finding it difficult to talk about her in the past tense.  It just isn't computing.  A had a good heart and a loving way about her.    D is a goofball, but is also kindhearted and has a loving way (but in more of a boy way!).  This is how their parents have raised them.  D towers over me and finds it amusing to use my shoulder or my head as an elbow rest. He used to do anything for a ride in my jeep and he loved to play tricks on me.  One time I got in my jeep and he'd pushed every single button for stability control and whatever else you have to push for rock climbing or mud bogging.  I had such a time figuring out how to undo what he had done!  Another night, after youth, his mom couldn't find him, but we knew he was somewhere to be found eventually.  I needed to get home to Noah (this was pre-Avery), so I headed home.  Sure enough, 1/4 mile down the road, D popped up in my back seat, "Hi, Miss Amy!!"  I handed my phone back to him, said, "Call your mom and tell her she'll find you at home."  *sigh*  He knows my house is a safe place to show up unannounced and that I will always feed him when he does show up, hug him, listen to him and turn him back around on the correct path.

Please, if you are the praying kind, pray for these families and the many, many people who have been affected by the deaths of these three teens and the injuries of the two boys.  Please pray for the continued improvement in the health of J and D.  Thank you.

Psalm 62:5-8, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my might rock, my refuge.  Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."