7:00 am: The alarm clock wakes up, calling for either me or Shawn to rescue him from his cage--I mean, crib. No matter which one of us gets there first, we're not the one he wants, even if we're the one he was calling for.
7:30 am: Child #2 wakes up, and chaos ensues as daily sibling rivalry, strife and fights begin. I look for a wall to bang my head against, as the Keureg is not giving me my coffee fast enough, and there is no Starbucks barista at my kitchen window. Double check to make sure Noah really did take his pills after I peel him off the ceiling, and consider padding the walls while he bounces to and fro.
8:00 am: Shawn heads out the front door to the garage to go to work, where he slips in a huge puddle rapidly expanding from underneath the fridge. Oh, Noah turned it off and it defrosted in the 100+ degree heat! Well, there goes a gallon of milk, about 3 pounds of butter and 3 dozen eggs down the tubes. Hopefully we can salvage some of the other stuff. Shawn leaves for work, leaving me to deal with Noah and the mess because he (Shawn) is beginning to stutter so much in frustration that he now sounds like Elmer Fudd.
8:30 am: Avery grabs Cat #1, throws him into the air as best he can, yelling "That's not flying! That's falling! With style!" As Cat #1 lands, Avery runs off in search of Cat #2 and Cat #3, who have wisely hidden wherever he won't be able to find them. I make a mental note to talk to Shawn about the things he does to the cats in front of Avery.
8:35 am: I walk down the hallway just in time to catch an Avery-in-potty-training checking his diaper to see if "there's poop in there." Something falls out of his diaper and rolls down the hallway. Yep, there was.
8:45 am: Avery asks for "pidaman Jesus." I clarify, "You mean Spiderman Cheez-Its?" He answers, "Yes, Pidaman Jesuses!"
9:05 am: I hear Avery's voice very muffled. I'm busy with something else, so I really don't have time to investigate. The garage disaster is finally cleaned up, the hallway mess is cleaned up, and I'm behind with my daily tasks because of that fiasco. The dog is at my feet, licking up the flour and any other ingredients being knocked over the edge of the counter as I knead my frustrations out with some bread dough.
9:15 am: I finally investigate Avery's noise because it just won't stop. He's on the wrong side of the back door, locked outside. Noah, who has been engrossed in a toddler tv show, hasn't noticed. I open the door and Avery yells that Cat #1 got out again. Cat hunt ensues.
9:30 am: I locate Cat #1 by tripping over him in the yard, grab him by his tail and haul him back into the house, lecturing him the entire time about how lucky he is to have a family who loves him, an air conditioned house, food and a comfy bed (that would be my bed). Cat #1 is safely back inside, glaring at me with his gratitude.
9:45 am: Avery hands me a gift bag and asks me if it's a d****e bag. I tell Avery no, admonish him for using the word, then make a mental note to have a talk with the husband about yet another word he can't say in traffic in front of the 3 year old parrot. We will be praying about this at church on Sunday, begging forgiveness, and hoping it's not the main point in Pastor Nick's message....
10:00 am: Noah is repeating EVERY. SINGLE. THING. SAID. ON. THE. TV. He is also rocking back and forth on the couch, slamming his head into the back of the couch with each rock and periodically bouncing from wall to wall. Welcome to Asperger Hell and echolalia. I snap the tv off and order everyone under the age of 35 OUTSIDE. NOW!
10:05 am: Everyone under the age of 35 comes back inside, complaining it is too hot to be outside and begging for pee-pops. Wii is turned on and children escalate. AGAIN. Noah is sprinting in place and moving his hands at a manic speed, loudly commanding his Mii to win the race. Avery joins in the fray, just for the fun of it. Now I'M beginning to sound like Elmer Fudd.
10:30 am: Prayer request via text comes in as I'm moving laundry from washer to dryer. Cat #2 is "helping." I pause to pray, then shut the dryer door and start it. THUDTHUD. THUDTHUD. Open door, let Cat #2 out of dryer, laugh as he wobbles and shakes his head, trying to regain his bearings after being spun. I also wonder why my cats are as hard headed as my children, and why this cat has yet to learn the dryer is not a playground.
10:35 am: Clean Cat #3's hairball up from freshly mopped floor, then realize Dog has finally pooped, after holding it for the past several days.... ALL OVER THE CARPET. Nevertheless, she seems relieved and is instantly no longer behaving as though she is on death's door, so in spite of the mess, I am grateful for poop! I get to scrubbing the carpet, mopping the floor (again), and cleaning up Dog.
10:45 am: We need a change in scenery, so the children and I head off to take care of a friend's pets while she is swimming with dolphins and her children in the Florida Keys. Shawn has decided to head out for a 6 mile run in the 100+ degree heat. I lock the house up, not realizing Shawn does not have keys. While at friend's house, Avery attempts to let a lizard and a gerbil loose, harasses her kittens in the name of loves and snuggles, and I grab her bottle of olive oil that I will replace later because I have run out at my house!
11:30 am: Return home to find overheated husband has fashioned a water slide/shower for himself on the boys' playset after finding himself locked out of the air conditioned house. Soaking wet husband then tracks water throughout the house, leaving puddles every few inches. I retreat to my kitchen, realizing I just can't win against these three. Back to my bread dough.
12:00 pm: Whew, halfway through the day! I send Noah off to play with a friend, set Avery up with crayons, and I sit down to email the Shandys (that would Sharon and Mandy), to let them know we're all still alive, see how their days are going and to just take a breather. Email is an excuse to sit down and block out everything (and everyone) for just a few moments. Both will laugh over the day's escapades; Sharon will remind me to proudly let our freak flag fly high, and Mandy will do her best to compete with me... Not because we're competitive, mind you, but because it just happens naturally. She lives on a neighboring planet, according to Murphy's Law. Both women will remind me to be grateful, they will both make me laugh, and we will all offer to meet up somewhere with bread and dip, wine, and chocolate, should the need arise for a serious stress intervention. And cake. Can't forget the cake at a serious stress intervention....
1:00 pm: As I'm working with something else in the kitchen, I realize the cookies (muffins, scones, bread, rolls, etc) cooling on the racks on the counter behind me are slowly disappearing. It would seem the noises I heard earlier were the pitter patter of 3 year old and 35 year old feet. Now I can hear them laughing at my seemingly oblivious nature, thinking they got away with something.... But I'm on to them, so I move the goodies to a sealed container out of their reach. Ah-ha!
2:00 pm: It's almost nap time! My favorite part of the day, well, next to bedtime, of course! Time to call Noah home. I text him. Nothing. I call him. Nothing. Text. Call. Text. Call. Text. Call. Nothing, nothing, and more nothing. No response. Shawn finally locates Noah via the family GPS system we have on our phones and I call that house. I find out that Noah's phone was on silent... Well, then what is the purpose of having a phone for me to call you if you turn it to silent and ignore it?!
2:15 pm: Noah is now home, and is reminded that next time, it won't be Mommy calling his friend's house, it will be the police showing up if I can't find him and he doesn't answer his phone when called.
2:30 pm: Praise God, we made it to nap time. Woo hoo!!! Nap Time Rules: Avery is sleeping, Mommy is taking a break. Unless you are bleeding, broken or dying, or the house is on fire, please do not disturb. Nap time is just as much for Mommy as it is for Avery.
2:40 pm: After putting Avery down for a nap in his crib, I hear a loud thud in his room. Moments later, I hear his doorknob turn, then I hear Avery say, "Mommy? Mommy, where are you?" I put him back in his crib, and ask him to show me how he got out, which he does. Now the real fun begins! Does this mean it's time to turn his doorknob around?!
5:00 pm: Nap time is over. Repeat 7 am-2:30 pm. Dinner chaos ensues, children in and out of the house, Shawn is finally home from work, I might get a bit of a break now!!! His commute is a real killer on his work-from-home days.
5:05 pm: Call for help comes in from Sharon, who is at Mandy's house checking on the animals. In the words of Avery, "We wost one of Monkey Mandy's wizards!" Looks to me like one of the 5 cats fell through the top of the cage and enjoyed a feast of gecko. We line the cats up, they all look guilty, but none of them are talking. Ohhhh boy. We text Mandy, take pictures and thankfully, she laughs with us, agrees it was bound to happen eventually. We all dread having to tell her daughter.
5:35 pm: I realize I haven't seen Noah wear his Crocs for a few days. He has been making a point to wear only his sneakers. When I ask him about this, he admits he doesn't know where they are. An hour-and-a-half long search ensues, until I finally find them in Avery's train box. Don't ask. I don't anymore.
7:00 pm: Mommy needs some alone time, away from the three menfolk she loves so much. I settle in for a bubble bath, Avery settles on the floor next to the tub with Daddy's iPad to watch a movie. This is not working out how I had planned. Earlier I was looking for a wall to bang my head against, now I'm wondering if it's possible for me to drown myself.... You know, it's a good thing we don't keep alcohol in this house. These kids could drive us to drink!
7:30 pm: Time to start getting everyone ready for bed (including Mommy!)--yay! Send Noah back to brush his teeth. Five minutes later, realize I still haven't heard his toothbrush or water. Go back to bathroom to investigate and realize the air is heavy with that "fresh clean scent" advertised on the gel toilet cleaner I bought that morning. No, I don't want to look. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! Upon investigation, I see that Noah has stamped the entire bathroom with gel toilet cleaner.... The walls, the shower curtain, the floor, the tub and shower, himself.... Not to worry, the toilet wasn't hit! *sigh*
7:58 pm: Last minute pleas from both boys to please stay up just a few minutes longer. Nope. Sorry. Mommy needs a break.... She is more tired than you are!
8:00 pm: Hugs and kisses are distributed, children are tucked in and it sounds like an episode of The Waltons up and down our hallway: "Night Avery!" "Night Noah!" "Night Mommy and Daddy!" "Night Gwetta!" "Night kitties!" Good night Jon Boy....
8:01 pm: Shawn and I collapse on the couch, exhausted after yet another day in Left Field, totally unable to form complete thoughts or finish our sentences. Go Team Tired!
10:00 pm: Shawn and I finally work up the energy to move from the couch to our bed, drifting off to sleep with grateful thoughts of exhaustive children and our pretty darn good life.
*Editor's Note: Mandy found the gecko.... One of the kittens was playing with a dead leaf on her kitchen table.... The dead leaf turned out to be a dead gecko.... Her daughter was actually more worried about it crawling on her while she slept than she was about it being dead. He had a proper burial, and all has been forgiven, and most likely, forgotten.....
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