Lather, Rinse, Repeat

It's no secret how disillusioned I've become with motherhood and wifehood recently.  I'm feeling taken for granted, used up, worn out and tired of putting up with it--and then I feel guilty for feeling this way. After all, isn't this the mother's lot in life?  We do and do and do for others, always putting our family's needs before our own, and when there's nothing left for ourselves, oh well!  That's just how it is.  This is the fate to which we are resigned.  Mothers, by nature, are supposed to be givers, never takers.  We're expected to be selfless and nurturing.

Sometimes, I really think I wasn't cut out for this. 

The truth is, I don't know that I can do it anymore--I don't know that I want to do it anymore.  I told a friend yesterday that I can totally see myself moving to a farm in Wyoming or Montana and being a farmhand for the rest of my life, or becoming part of some hippie colony and changing my name to Runs From Responsibilities.  Running away from my family.  Letting Shawn do things on his own, instead of coming out from behind his computer long enough to yell at the kids to listen to their mother, then retreating back to his hidey hole, or coming out just as all hell is breaking loose to save the day, instead of helping before it gets to that point.  Would he notice I'm gone when the kids don't respond to his plea to listen to their mother?  I told my friend it's probably a good thing I don't have a place to go because most likely, I would've left.  There's that thought needling in the back of my brain: Do I owe it to them to try to keep things together when I feel like I'm the only one trying, or do I owe it to myself to move on and make it about myself for a change?  And what exactly does "move on" mean?  My body and my emotions cannot handle this roller coaster ride anymore.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one trying.  Lately I'm wondering how much longer I'm willing to put up with this.

For the past 12 years, my world has centered around my family.  It has centered around being sick, and it has centered around doing for others.  I have felt stalled each time I've attempted to pursue something for myself.  In one way or another, I've felt punished each time I've done something for myself. I have felt guilty when doing things for myself, whether it be a pedicure (which translates to a desperately needed time of relaxation away from my family, not just wanting pretty toes), desperately needed new clothing, or trying to take up a hobby, because it takes away from what my family needs or wants.  Then I feel selfish for wanting or needing something that is just mine, for needing some time away, for wanting things to be a group effort.  But you know what?  I need something just for me.  And I need to give up the guilt.  For once, Shawn needs to have to deal with the kids, the messy house (and not leave that mess, and make more, for me to deal with when I get home), and everything that goes with it.  Shawn has a job, and several hobbies that take him outside of the house.  He has short term and long term goals.  He has plenty of chances to "get away," even when he is already away on a daily basis, yet I am here, day in and day out.  No matter where I go, the kids are pretty much always with me.  I always have one or both of them, or I have to hurry through what I'm doing to pick them up, be back for them, or do something for them.  I'm the one being screamed at, dealing with the whining, the daily discipline, the enforcement of chores and rules, and the rest of the mess.  Lately, there's very little joy in any of it.

I have seriously considered getting a job, and nixed that idea.  It would only create more stress, because the only thing that would change is that I would have a paying job to contend with along with all of my household tasks.  It would only be more work for me, nothing would change for anyone else. I would have more responsibilities, and even less time for myself.  I've thought about extending my volunteer hours at the center, but honestly, I'm feeling hypocritical for the time I'm already there.  I love my work there, but it's often exhausting.  Having to be 'on,' and it's not about me (which is rightly how it should be).  I need something for me.

Last weekend, I was sort of presented with an opportunity.  It's so far out of my box it's not even in the same neighborhood.  And I've done nothing but talk myself out of it ever since.  It was two-fold: disaster response with a government-funded group, and SAR training for myself and my dog, which we would use within the disaster response group, and the group we train with.  I already have some disaster response certifications, but I've never been able to deploy.  This group is strictly in-state, and while it's volunteer, all training, certification, and travel expenses are covered.  There is monthly training, along with 2 weekends a year at any one of three local military bases.  There aren't any physical requirements; basically, if you're willing, they'll find a way for you to be able.  For the first few minutes, I was really excited about it.  Then I remembered the house I'd come home to, the mess, having to set things up in order to be able to do what I want to do--everything that would have to happen so I can pursue this, is it worth it?  Most likely not.  And what about my physical limitations that are becoming well, more limiting?  Over the past week my right side has become noticeably weaker and more tired.  Could I really keep up with disaster response and SAR?  And for heaven's sake, I don't even know how to read a map.  And if Lilly and I aren't approved for SAR training, what would I have to offer this group?  I've been a mother for 12 years.  Sure, I can cook, but is that really what I want to be doing in my off time?  And eventually, if I ever break through this funk, what about the guilt and fear I'd eventually feel when leaving my family during disasters and emergencies?  I've talked myself out of it, not because I'm afraid of failure, but because I know history repeats itself.  Like I said, I was really excited at first, but then reality hit me like a fist in the gut.

I don't know if anything will come out of this, but I do know that things need to change, and I can't do it on my own.  I need to do something for myself that doesn't involve my family, and gets me away from them.  They need time away from me in order to learn how to appreciate what I do for them, and at some point, learn how to appreciate what I've sacrificed of myself for them.  I can't keep banging my head against the same wall.  It's starting to hurt.