Padding My *ahem* Resume

Yesterday I did something crazy, just because I have a computer with internet access on it.  I looked at job postings.  For FEMA and the Red Cross.  And they weren't desk jobs I was looking for, they were field positions.

Turns out, according to them, I'm really not currently qualified.  I don't carry degrees, qualifications or certifications in marketing, communications, strategic planning, negotiations, emergency preparedness or emergency/disaster response.  It seems that being a mom for twelve years, and a preschool teacher for three years before that, even though in many ways it can be a lot like being a drill sergeant in the Army, doesn't really qualify you for much.

Hmmm...

That got me thinking.  How on earth is it that motherhood and teaching wildlife--I mean, preschool--haven't prepared me for a field job in disaster response???  Seriously?

So, here's my resume, according to me, myself and I...  Forget the degrees, I have the qualifications and experience!

Marketing:
"Vegetables are prettier than candy.  Chocolate is a very boring, brown color.  When food is prettier, it always tastes better.  That's a known fact!"
"Don't you think the violin would be a nicer instrument to learn how to play rather than the drums?  The violin is just nicer looking, you look nicer playing it, you'd look more sophisticated and educated, too!"  Not to mention the violin is quieter than the drums...
$7 for bread at Great Harvest?  Shoooooot, Noah's Boy Scout Troop is selling mine for $5, and it tastes better than Great Harvest's!

Communications:
"Because I'm the MOM and I said so!"
"Dear God, grant me patience NOW!  Please?"
"Hi, this is Noah's mom.  Yes, hi.  Nice to meet you too.  Yes, I heard what he said, and I'm really, really sorry about that.  Please accept my apologies and know that it won't happen again."
"Yes, hi, this is Avery's mom.  Hi, yes, it's nice to speak with you too, I know you've been trying to get in touch with me.  Yes, I heard what he did, and I just wanted to let you know it won't happen again."
Shawn says I wouldn't even need a megaphone...
I can round up children from the other side of the county just with the sound of my voice.

Strategic Planning:
We all know what will happen if you don't take that extra diaper and change of clothes with you for that five minute run to the store....
I have coordinated surprise parties without giving away the surprise (I think that qualifies under Communications, and possibly Marketing, as well).
I can get myself, Shawn, Noah, Avery, the dog and three cats to 8 different places all at the same time.
I can coordinate a holiday meal, and four people (including two children), to all be ready and at the table at the same time, while the food is still hot.
In a single day, I can get four loaves of bread, two batches of cookies, enough dinner to feed three families, food for my work, snack for preschool, and treats for Shawn's office churned out of my kitchen.
Now, if that isn't strategic planning....

Negotiations:
"Eat you vegetables or I'm taking your Ironman costume away."
"I will give you two cookies from my Oreo stash if you clean your room."
"Don't kill your brother/the cat/the dog and I won't kill you!"

Emergency Preparedness:
Do you have any idea how many band aids I found in my purse the other day????
Also, here is where we go back to the extra diaper and change of clothes in the Strategic Planning section...
"Please change your underwear this morning, comb your hair and brush your teeth.  You never know what the day will bring."

Emergency/Disaster Response:
I can reach the ER in five minutes flat (normally a 20 minute drive).
I can coordinate 3 moms, 1 husband/dad, and 7 kids all to the same location when one of us needs the other ones  (I think that goes along with Strategic Planning).

I also have experience in conflict resolution (don't kill your brother!), and I've navigated combat zones (I've camped with teenagers WHILE pregnant, and, let's face it--my own house is a combat zone most days).  But what about multi-tasking, you ask?  Well, I have plunged an overflowing toilet while washing paint out of my hair over a sink and trying to keep the dog and toddler out of the entire mess.  I have re-buried the family dog (while trying to keep the puppy from "helping") after Avery decided he wanted Gretta back, and the new puppy decided to help him dig her up.  I have packed four people for a 672 mile emergency trip in less than 30 minutes while under emotional duress.  And on a daily basis, I juggle two kids, a puppy, three cats, 1 husband, and household duties and maternal responsibilities.  Of course, that doesn't count all the unexpected things that pop up throughout the day needing my attention.

At this point, I think I'm more than over-qualified.

Aaaaaanddd... My go-bag is already packed!  These qualifications look great to me.  I'm not really sure how they'd look on paper to the people doing the hiring, but maybe they'd at least get a good laugh.


Hmph.  Well, maybe the Army needs a new drill sergeant...