"This is All Your Fault"

Avery had surgery last week to repair an umbilical hernia.  The first few days of his recovery were a bit rougher than we had anticipated.

Amid the "This happened because of you"'s and "This is all your fault,"'s, I began questioning our decision to take this preventive step for the sake of our child's future health.  What had we done to him?  Was this the right decision?  Watching my husband carry Avery because he was in too much pain to walk on his own, to progressing to hobbling around, hunched over like a little old man, just about killed me.  Hearing him cry out in pain, even as we gave him the narcotic pain killers we had originally balked over, was like a punch to my gut.  You can imagine my reaction when I heard him screaming and crying from his room in post op as we were escorted down the hall to him.

Avery was originally excited about his new belly button.  As they wheeled him away (my heart shattering into a million pieces...), he was cracking up the surgical staff, singing, "My button, my button, my brand new belly button!"  He was less enthusiastic post-surgery, screaming that he hated his new belly button. Stomping on the shattered pieces of my heart, grinding them into dust...

Thankfully, things are much smoother now.  Avery is healing well, and he's back to wreaking his usual havoc.

This whole ordeal has had me thinking though.... How often I yell these things at God.  How often I blame Him when things go wrong, and forget to thank Him when things go right.  How often I ask for something, then yell when it's not what I expected, or it's more work than I anticipated, or the process God uses is more painful than I asked for.

I know that, much in the same way my heart breaks for my children, God's heart breaks for us, His children.  I know there are parental decisions He must make for our well being that aren't always easy.  I also know when He does make those decisions, He knows what is best, just as we knew Avery's surgery was best for him.  We may not like it, we may argue with it, fight against it, and not be able to see His reasoning for it at the time, but God knows best for His children. I often wonder if, like us, God ever wipes His brow and remarks, "Man, this parenting stuff is HARD!  Why won't they just listen to me?"  I'm sure He's had more than a few head shakes over me.

"It's all your fault" and "this happened because of you" have been regular accusations in my vocabulary over the past several years.  Infertility, regular disappointments, various diagnoses within our family, unanswered prayers, dysfunctional family members, and things we didn't ask for that wound up being incredible trials--I've wildly thrown these accusations around, screaming about the injustice of it.

I've forgotten to utter these phrases with grace and gratefulness when He blesses us.  I have reached a point in life at which I now look at my boys and say, "God, they happened because of you.  Thank you."  I can look at the life He's built for us, and say with a swelled heart, "This is all your fault, thank you."  God has used those trials to build us, to be the family we are now, the family we are still becoming.  I know there will be more trials to come, and my prayer is that instead of screaming "This is all your fault," I will quietly whisper, "thank you," and continue to praise Him for the work He is doing in our lives.