Baby Drool and Car Pools

Please don't misunderstand this post.  I'm incredibly grateful I get to be home with my kids.  I know how blessed we are that Shawn's income allows us this luxury with very few sacrifices.  And yes, I understand it is a luxury, because I know there are plenty of parents who would rather be home, but don't have the option to make that choice.  It's very rewarding, and I'm glad to do it.

There are times though, it can get a little tedious. Car pools, drool, diapers, temper tantrums, play dates, sports and school--there's only so much I can talk to others about it before even I start yawning.  I'm grateful for the moms group I'm part of, but again--there's only so much we can talk about some times.

When Avery was a toddler, there were things I wanted to do to expand my own world. It felt as though everyone but me was out getting a life.  Every opportunity was met with a road block of one kind or another, however.  I lashed out, became resentful towards Shawn and the kids, and couldn't understand why God kept saying "no."  I couldn't see past the present, to the possibility He had something greater in mind.  Because I was so busy yelling, I couldn't hear Him telling me to be patient.

Flash forward another year or two, and after some serious soul searching, I realized motherhood is where I belong.  This is my here and now, and that's what God was telling me.  Those other endeavors would've taken me away from my children and the attention they need.

Then, my time came.... God did indeed have something better in mind for me.

Last year I was given the opportunity to go back to school through an online program.  This allows me the time I need with my family, the ability to schedule my own work, and enrich myself while still being a full time mom.

That was a long way to get my point.  Last month I saw my doctor about my worsening depression and anxiety.  Together, we made a list of my top stressors, both positive and negative, along with what can go and what couldn't, what I needed to change/add (helloooooo diet and exercise), what I could control and what I needed to let go of because it is beyond my control.  At the top of my stressor list was school, but it was also at the top of the list of things that I need to keep in my life.  At times, it can be stressful.  Three weeks ago when I lost a research paper I'd been working on for several weeks, I wanted to throw in the towel.  After all, it will be years before I finish this degree, and even longer before I'm able to use it professionally, so what's the point?  The point is--I need to do this.  This is for me.  Just me.  Sure, I want my kids to see the value of continued education, I want them to see my value beyond just being their mom, blah blah blah--but when I get down to it, I'm selfish.  I'm doing this for myself because I need to.  I like being able to have something (valuable) to discuss at dinner besides how many times Ezra pooped, and what I saw on social media.

I love my children more than life itself.  They are my gifts and I wouldn't trade this life for anything.  But school?  School is about loving myself.