I Am Free

"Buckling under the weight of my own life is what helped me fall into the arms of God."

Lisa Harper

For most of my adulthood, I've looked for the next thing to fix me.  The next medication, the next doctor or specialist, the next mentor, counselor, therapist, the next book, the next talisman.  The next church, bible study, women's group, support group, moms' group, prayer group.  My cry was FIX ME. Fix my body, fix my bitterness and anger, my mind, fix my past.  Give me health, give me forgiveness, give me peace.  But I was looking in all the wrong places, and to all the wrong people.

For some of this, I was saved.  But I was still looking to the wrong places (place), and the wrong people (person).  I was still just so ridiculously human, that I looked to other humans to fix me.  I did not pray for myself, I did not go to the cross on my own.  I did nothing to help myself.  I wanted other people to do it for me. I wanted someone to teach me how to do it, I wanted a book to spell it out for me (always reading the wrong book...)--I just wanted it done, and POOF, I would be all better.

I stopped searching.  I don't remember it happening.  I stopped looking for people and places and things to fix me. We were going to a new church, and I do remember resolving that I wasn't going to allow myself to be anyone's project.  I wasn't going to open up about myself, attend groups, rely on anyone, make eye contact.  No sirree.  Of course, God had other plans, but that is another post, or has been at some point.  But I don't remember when I felt fixed.  It just kind of happened.

I am free now.  I have freedom in Jesus. I am released of all the things I struggled with.  My health has not been healed by human standards, but Jesus has released me from me it by teaching me how to deal with it.  Jesus released me from my bitterness and anger by teaching me forgiveness, both for myself, and for those on the other end of the relationships.  Jesus has released me by giving me peace.  Jesus released me, most of all, by giving me his own forgiveness, grace and mercy.  He has wrapped me in his eternal, unconditional love.

I've learned that even though I have health problems and depression and a bad day here and there, I still have an amazing life.  The two don't cancel each other out.  I am blessed beyond measure; all of my needs are met, and most of my wants are as well.  But most importantly, when I count my biggest blessing, I count my freedom.

I.  AM.  FREE.