Bootstraps

I'm in the middle of writing a get up and go, hopefully-inspirational-"you can do it, special needs mamas"-post this week.  I've been feeling pretty good!  I've been uplifting others, sharing our adventures, and it's been good for the soul!

Then the latest paperwork for Ezra's speech therapy eligibility and what I'm hoping will be OT for sensory issues, and if necessary, early intervention preschool in the fall, arrived.  I sat down, ready to tackle it.  I am Mother Warrior, hear me roar!  I was ready to fill it out, pen in had, when it hit me like a load of bricks.  I saw that box checked "developmental delay," and I just folded.  I fell apart.  There are tears now as I type this.  

I know life isn't supposed to be easy--how else will our children learn anything?  But I really just want things to be well, alright--easy--for my kids.  When we found out we were finally pregnant with Ezra, we joked he was our Obi Wan--our last hope (to raise a neurotypical kid, haha).  After his heart defect scare and after his heart healed, we told him straight up, alrighty sweet boy--you've given us your scare, that's the only one you're allowed!

I knew this was coming, though.  I knew this was our reality before I even took him in for screening.  Our pediatrician and I have been watching him before his 1 year well check when I realized he wasn't 'on schedule' with a few things.  Because of Noah, I watched Avery, and now Ezra, like a hawk.  Perhaps I watch a little too closely (I've been told so more than once by more than one person), but that's how you catch things early.  So, having two kids ahead of Ezra with similar issues, it's possible I knew more than the experts.  I could say it ("There's a delay..."), I could talk about it ("I think we're looking at some delays with Ezra..."), I could describe it ("He had a few words at 12 months, but stopped using them, used vocalizations only until a few months ago, and has fewer than 15 at 25 mos, which is below the 100-150 words most two year olds have, and we're also seeing a lot of sensory issues...."), but seeing it all there in writing just knocked me to my knees.

You'd think I would be used to this by now, right?

That same afternoon, Noah and I were talking about the other blog post I have been writing.  I told him about it, and said, "You know kid, you really shine quite a light, I hope you know that."  He winked at me, and told me he's had a lot of help from a really great mom.  Yes, you know what happened next.  I burst into tears and asked him if he really thinks so.  "Mom, why else would God not only give you two more kids everyone else told you weren't possible, but two more kids with needs like mine?  Because He knows you're a great mom too, and He knew they would need a great mom to stick up for them."  This kid.

Thankfully, this delay is not something that defines who Ezra is, nor who he will be (something else I've learned from Noah).  It will not confine him to a certain sort of life or restrict which doors open for him, and which doors stay closed to him.  I would never allow that. I know what I'm doing so either get on board or get out of my way.  I will also continue to fight for whatever Ezra needs, for as long as he needs it.  Mother Warrior.  Roar.  I will celebrate every victory and push Ezra just as hard as I've pushed his brothers. In fact, that very morning we'd had a huge victory with the hair dryer!

I know Abba is in control.  I don't know His reason, but I know there has to be one for all of this.  I also know we caught this delay and these sensory issues early.  I'm grateful we live in a society where we have access to early intervention, and that Ezra is able to receive it.  As I've learned with Noah, and as I'm learning with Avery, I know everything will be okay with Ezra.  God is in control.