Wonder Mom Vs. Fallible Mom

One of the many thing(s) I struggle with as a mom is how much of 'me' I allow my children to see.

I want my children to know I'm fallible.  I have faults, I make mistakes, there are times I need to apologize--my poor self esteem will allow this list to continue if I don't cut myself off here.  How else will my children know it's okay to have faults if they don't know their mom does?  How else will they learn to apologize, or recover from mistakes, if they don't see me setting the example--and most importantly, apologizing to them?  How will they know it's okay to not be perfect if they don't see my own imperfections?  How will they know to accept these things from others with grace and mercy if I don't accept mistakes and faults from my children with grace and mercy?

Here's the rub.

I read about these Wonder Moms who hide things from their children.  Illnesses.  Depression.  Regular, run-of-the-mill sadness.  Poverty.  Their children brag on their sainthood.  I'm in awe of them, but my sarcastic, cynical side also kind of rolls her eyes a bit, sorry.

"I never knew my mom suffered so much."
"I never knew we were poor."
"I never knew my father was so awful to her before and after the divorce."  Okay, this one I'm going to let go.  This shows amazing character.
"My mom hid her illness from us to the very end."
"My mom was so strong all of the time!"  Spoiler alert:  She was faking it.
"I was such a brat and my mom was such a saint!"  Again,  faking it.

The list goes on.

I'm curious if these kids ever feel lied to.  If they feel they missed the chance to support their moms, or to learn how to support others.  Are they given a false impression of people or of how the world works?

So, exactly just how much of my fallibility do I hide from my children?  It's something I really wrestle with.

Along with being imperfect, my kids need to know I'm also strong and brave, right?  I should be calm.  They should know they can count on me for their every need, and anything else thrown in there.  They should know I'm not going to fall apart every other day.  They should see me handle things as a Proverbs 31 woman would.  Maybe I should be more saint-like (or at least fake it).  They should know their mom is MOM--fully in control at all times (or at least pretending to be).

And yet....

I'm seldom in control.  I seldom feel in control.  I seldom look in control.  I seldom even fake being in control.  I'm not a calm person.  When we were poor, Noah knew it.  Even now, there are many expenses we tell the boys we're holding off until payday (credit cards are for emergency purposes only, kiddos! And yes, boys, Young Living is absolutely an emergency expense, so do not second guess Mama, okay? Okay!).  My kids are fully aware of my illnesses, Noah more so about the severity than his brothers, but they know there are days that Mama just can't mom.  No hiding that here when Mama can't walk or her arm doesn't cooperate or when she's taking medicine every day, three and four times a day.  Do we sugarcoat some things for the littles?  Yes, we absolutely do.  I'm also a crier. Dear Lord am I crier!  Sorry folks--happy, sad, just plain emotional, worship in church, worship in the car, movies, songs, memories, whatever, those tears are coming out.  Sometimes they are coming out in a torrent, sometimes just a tear or two.  I've also always been open with my children about my depression and mental health issues, on an age-by-age, relevant basis.  Again, Noah knows more about my history than the littles.  I have regular (weekly--okay, okay--daily) breakdowns.  For the record, my kids typically have daily ones. *wink*  I am so far from being anywhere close to being a saint, I don't think I would even be allowed to sit in the same church as one.  No Proverbs 31 pretending here!

I wish I had the answer to my above question.  I'm by no means a Wonder Mom.  I don't know that I want to be her.  Seems like a lot of pressure.  If you can't tell, I don't do well under pressure.  But I still worry and wonder that I'm coming up short for my kids by not being more like her.  One of the things I sort of pride myself on is being transparent, but perhaps with my children, I should be less so.   My kids probably see a lot more than I should allow them to.  Perhaps I should be less of who I am, at least in front of them, for them.  I certainly fall more on the side of Fallible Mom.  There are times I'm sort of proud of that (hey, lower standards for my kids to have to live up to, right?), and times there's a lot of guilt that comes with it (I should aspire to be more for my kids). I don't ever want my children to have the false impression they have to be perfect in this world.  I want them to be true to themselves, and true to how God made them.  Unless they're being jerks.  Don't do that.

This is how God made me--imperfect and flawed. This is also how God made my kids.

There's only been one perfect human in this world.  While I was made in our shared Father's image, I don't think being perfect like him is something I need to strive for.  Being like him, following in his footsteps?  Yes.  But even he admits I will falter.  And he accepts that with grace and mercy.  Every single day.