When Autism Runs in Your Family

I've been honest with you--when Noah was little, I was oblivious and in denial about his differences.  I knew they were there, and I could see them, but I used a lot of self delusions to explain them away.

When Avery was born, I went to the other extreme, watching him like a hawk.  Rather than explaining things away with self delusions, I obsessed over every little thing.  Every little thing, I had a running mental note going.  I watched, I worried, I texted my best friend incessantly.  She would always reassure me--even if it is autism, we know what we're doing now.  We've got a better handle on it, we're better prepared.  I still remember the exact day and time I breathed my sigh of relief, knowing we were in the clear.  I was headed into the grocery store with the boys, plopping Avery into the cart and Noah asked if I thought Avery had autism.  I confidently told him no, and listed my reasons.  Noah seemed to breathe a sigh of relief, too.  At that time, we still didn't quite have a handle on things, and life was messy (-ier than it is now).  Noah replied, "Good.  I don't want that for my little brother."

I struggled with a lot of guilt, worried even more that my worry about Avery's neurological health was a reflection of how I felt about Noah.  I worried about what Noah would think if he knew what was going on inside my head.  I never want him to think I don't love him just as he is, because I really do.  Each child comes with their own individual struggle, but I'm not sure our children understand that fully.  I'm not sure they understand it's okay that they come with struggles and issues and differences.

These days, I find myself doing the same with Ezra.  Eye contact?  Check.  Recognizing and responding to his name?  Check.  I give him regular things, combs, forks, toys, and watch what he does with them.  I engage him in play and watch his reactions.  Does he copy me, imitate others, wave, engage others on his own?  Check, check, and check.  I've only had one major panic, and my best friend talked me through it.  I worried when I was pregnant--what if we get more autism this time?  They say God never gives us more than we can handle, but geez, sometimes I really wish He'd stop trusting me so much.  I knew I would absolutely love Ezra no matter what, but could our marriage handle it?  Could we handle the extra stress?

I don't struggle with the guilt this time though.   I've realized this is natural, not just as a parent with a child on the spectrum, but as a parent of any child.  You worry, you pray, and you let go of the guilt.  I don't worry about Noah knowing what's going on in my head, because he knows and he's okay with it, and he also knows it's not a reflection about how I feel about him.  In fact, I watch him with his little brother, and realize he's taking stock of the same things I am.  I know he worries, too.  I even talk about it with Noah, so he knows what we're looking for.  Honestly, man times, the best advice comes from Noah himself.