My Cane and My Pain

Year ago, before this blog existed, and before Avery was conceived, I used a walker.  Yes, I as that sick.  As the meds began to work, I graduated to a cane, but one or both legs still insisted upon dragging along behind me.  Due to pain in my back, pain in my legs, pain pain pain, my body just not wanting to cooperate, the cane became an extension of my arm.

Praise the Lord, I've not used the cane in years. We gave the walker to Shawn's grandmother and when she died, did not inquire as to its whereabouts.  The cane has been collecting dust in the garage; from time to time I know I still need it, but I've been too proud.  I lean on Shawn, Noah, the stroller, grocery cart, whatever else I can get my hands on, sometimes falling and making a fool of myself, but still too proud.  I refuse to dig that wretched thing out and clean it up.  Okay, so I'm five years old.

Two of my biggest fears are that people will think I'm looking for attention, and that people will give me that attention.   Two churches ago, I was The Sick Girl. I hated it.  I prayed constantly for healing.  This was when I was using the walker, and had only Noah.  I wanted more out of life, but I had no idea how to grab it.  I wanted other people to fix me.  I understood the basic principle of God and His healing ways, but still had no true grasp of being in a truly safe, nonjudgemental place, of laying it ALL down at His feet, and walking away healed and forgiven.  I did experience healing when Avery was born, before he was conceived.  It was a healing of a different kind than I expected and had been praying for, but a healing none the less, and it allowed me to have Avery.  This healing also gave me an incredible reprieve of pain and symptoms.  It was glorious!  We were at a different church later on, but I was still Sick Amy.  I know that much of it I perpetuated; again, I looked to other humans to heal me and make my life better.  I had it all wrong.

We were at church number three (now our home church) with Ezra's conception and pregnancy.  God had worked so much in us, and we had allowed so much work!  The same happened with Ezra as with Avery: Healing, reprieve of pain and symptoms!  It was God, and this time I knew to look straight at God for this healing and reprieve.  I know that this is was where my eyes always belong, where my heart always belongs.

For whatever reason, the pain and my symptoms have come back.  I haven't spent any time wondering "why me," or bemoaning my bad luck.  'Tis life, so please don't pity me.  I've had a good reprieve!  Really, it's okay!  I was able to have two more babies!  It happens.  It has nothing to do with not staying the course, with not remaining faithful, not reading my Bible, or anything else some other Christians might tell you.  I do believe it has to do with not taking care of my emotional and physical self properly.

This past weekend has been horrible for me.  One of the worst flare ups of pain and weakness I've had in quite a while.  I have my theories for it, but I won't bore you with those. 😊  Anyway, I cried, begging my doctor for  a pain medicine stronger than he usually gives me (something I haven't done in over two years).  I cried when I couldn't turn my body to reach my meds which were right next me, less than a foot away, on my night stand. I cried when I couldn't get out of bed, cried when I couldn't stand or walk upright, cried when I couldn't walk, sit, lay down, play with my kids--you name it, I cried.

When Shawn brought my cane in from the garage, cleaned it up and left it in the middle of the room (he knew better than to put it within reach, he wasn't being mean by putting it there), saying, "I'm not saying anything, not trying to start a fight, just putting it where you can reach it in case you change your mind, okay?," all I wanted to do was scream at him and the cane.

I glared at the cane.  I may have called it names.  I growled at Shawn.  I may have also called him names.

I immediately blamed it all on God.  Earlier in the week, I had spoken with our pastor's wife, telling her how much I hated to use my cane around people I know.  I want to avoid the questions and just be myself.  Yes, God was humbling me.  It was lesson teaching time, girlfriend.

I didn't want to have to take it to church.  Embarrassing.  Nosy people.

God took me to task straight away.  "What if they aren't nosy people, child?  What if they genuinely care?"  Alright alright.  Grumble.  You know some of them are still nosy, right God????  God is very patient with me.  He has to be.  "Child, give them a chance.  Give ME a chance.  Let Me show you how very loved you are by your friends and church family."

I had to take the cane, there was simply no way I could function without it.  Leaning on Shawn and hobbling around would have made an even bigger, more ridiculous scene.

I had barely hobbled in when I heard, "Girl! You need PRAYER!"  And so it went.  I was covered in so much prayer on Sunday, it was unbelievable, and it Felt. So. GOOD.

They weren't asking questions. They weren't nosy.  They were family, just plain loving on me.

I'm grateful to my church family for covering me in so much prayer. I'm grateful to my husband for (putting up with me...) digging my cane out of the garage.  I'm grateful I was open to God showing me the way.

I woke up Monday feeling as though I might bound out of bed... erring on the side of caution, I decided it was best to slowly creep out of bed just to be sure, and I'm grateful to all of those who made it possible.