Fear

Fear: (noun) to be afraid and worried; to expect or worry about (something bad or unpleasant); suggests a strong feeling of not wanting to accept or deal with something bad or unpleasant;  painful emotion felt because of danger. (Merriam-Webster)

Fear: Powerful tool of the enemy (Amy Furr)

Lord, I’m weary. My energy is sagging, and my motivation is lagging. And I am so in need of you. I need your strength and your fresh touch. Your Word says the joy of the Lord is my strength. I need your joy to replace all the bone-tired parts of my mind, body, and soul. ~Amen

As the definitions above state, fear is a powerful emotion, as well as a powerful tool of the enemy.  It is an emotion I'm feeling a lot of recently.  I'm afraid for my boys and everything they are going through.  Not just Avery, but Noah and Ezra, also.  Fear overwhelms me.  It is a darkness that envelopes me, crushes me down and leaves me weak.  It attacks me, eating from the inside out, kicking my fight-or-flight response system into high gear. There is nothing about me that exudes peace or confidence at the moment. I feel defeated, completely crushed.  It's more than fear, it's a deep groan, a dark foreboding. My mind is constantly working, my body always ready to react, yet I'm exhausted in every sense of the word.  I'm on sensory overload and really just want to hide away, and tend to my kids. I want to wake up and realize everything was just a bad nightmare, but I don't sleep because I'm listening for Avery.  I am exhausted from fighting enemies I cannot see or hear.  I want to get back to 'normal.'

Oh, my soul

Oh, how you worry

Oh, how you’re weary, from fearing you lost control

This was the one thing, you didn’t see coming

And no one would blame you, though

If you cried in private

If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows

No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

‘Cause you’re not alone...

(Casting Crowns, Oh My Soul)

Many times, anger is the easier emotion for me.  It has always been easier for me to be angry than to be afraid, or sad.  Anger makes me feel more in control for some reason, and I really don't like feeling out of control.  Fear and sadness leave me feeling too vulnerable.  Anger in these situations also makes me feel as though I'm blaming God, and I'm not.  Fear is a distrust of God, though--the enemy's handiwork.  Two friends and I have wondered if I could be under attack, my fear and anxiety are so great, and we have praying against it.  Spiritual warfare is a very real and powerful thing.  The enemy does not want to see me succeed--as a mother, as a Christian, as a leader in my church, as a wife, as anything.  If I fall and fail, that is a success for him, and one less Christian for him to contend with. I continually say that my full trust and faith are in God alone, He's never let us down before, but my fear and anxiety are very apparent.  That is a contradiction, unfortunately.  With all the fear I feel, I may as well point my finger at God and say, "He did it!"  I don't want to do that because I know in my heart it is simply not true.  So, why the fear?  I don't believe I have little faith; I believe I have faith that can move mountains, but I also have this intense fear.  This is something I truly do not understand.

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."  Matthew 17:20

This morning during praise and worship I was reminded of something.  Last year, there was a little girl about Ezra's age named Mirranda Grace.  She suffered a medical crisis and I prayed mightily for that precious little girl, just as I would my own child, even though I did not know her.  God took her home to heaven to heal her in the end, but I do not believe my prayers were empty or for naught.  A line from a song we sing in church became my prayer mantra for her, as she was in a coma, attached to many machines doing the work for her little body: "It's Your breath in (her) lungs," and I added "and Your blood in her veins."  This morning, as we sang that song, I realized that needs to be my prayer mantra for my boys.  Lord, it is Your breath they are breathing in and out of their lungs, and Your blood pulsing through their veins.

Just as I prayed for Mirranda Grace and her family, I know we have an army praying fervently for us, and for Avery in particular.  I am strengthened by this army, and the enemy cowers from the light they make.  When I am too worn to pray, many others are praying in my absence.

...Here and now

You can be honest

I won’t try to promise that someday it all works out

‘Cause this is the valley

And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones

And there will be dancing

There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone

This much I know

I’m not strong enough, I can’t take anymore

(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)

And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore

(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)

Can He find me here

Can He keep me from going under

Oh, my soul

You’re not alone

(Casting Crowns, Oh My Soul)

 Yes, my fear is great.  My anxiety is eating me alive.  But my God is bigger than both of those.  God will protect my--His--boys. God is bigger than seizures, the fear of HIV or hepatitis, and He is bigger than Ezra's SPD.  He will make good from all of this.  I believe this.  I don't know how long it will take, but I know He will see this to end, as He has with everything else.  The enemy will not have this, he cannot have my family.  We serve a MIGHTY God.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10