These were the words spoken to me by my 16 year old son last week. While he was driving home, I had opened up my Instagram for just a quick scroll-through. I saw that Batman, an orphaned newborn pig adopted by one of the rescue farms I follow, had died, and I burst into sobbing tears. There's a lot of that going on lately, and I'm a sensitive and emotional person anyway, but as attached as I had become to an orphaned piglet I had never met, there *may* have been some transference as well.
Noah continued, saying with everything happening with Avery and Ezra, I have such little energy already, and that energy needs to be reserved for them, not wasted on distressing news and social media. "Please take a break from social media and from reading the news, it's destroying you. Life is destroying you. I hate seeing my mom like this."
How, and when, did my little boy become such a wise young man?
No truer, wiser words have been spoken. I am under so much stress that I am pouring from a dangerously nearly empty cup. Sadly, I do not have the time, the patience, nor the energy, to refill that cup. I have nothing left for myself right now, and Noah is correct, I certainly cannot spare anything on sad news and upsetting social media posts. I am doing everything I can to keep myself together in front of my kids, especially during Avery's procedures and Ezra's therapies, when I need to be Mama of Steel and pillowy soft so they panic less and are comforted by me (that's the idea anyway). Once we are home and everyone is settled, that's when I can escape to my closet and fall apart. I fall apart in church, too. My safe place. But when the kids are around, I need to be able to keep it together. With super glue and Xanax.
My cell phone, and everything on it, has always been my escape. A quick scroll through Instagram, a quick check of the news, a fast email read or sent, a text sent here or there. Whether I'm in a waiting room, at home with the kids, in the grocery store--wherever I am, sometimes I just need to check out for a minute or two. I've also used these things for prayer. I see a need in the news, or on Instagram, and as I've explained to my family, someone needs to be in prayer, those in need deserve prayer, even if they don't know a stranger is praying for them. But these things are consuming me. And I just don't have the extra energy to allow for that.
I've taken Noah's advice, and turned my phone into a virtual brick. It is now only good for texting, checking the weather, sending and receiving emails---and, get this, making actual phone calls (What??? A cell phone that makes phone calls? Get outta here!). I can't tell you I feel any kind of relief. Out of habit, I'm still picking my phone up several times a day to check the news or Instagram, remembering they aren't there, and putting it back down. I know I should be filling that time with other things like cleaning the house, prayer or other productive means of passing time, but honestly, I can barely get myself off the couch. I just don't have the energy, so Ezra is getting a lot of tv time (Mother of the Year over here) and mama snuggles! The good thing is I'm not getting distressed by (other) things beyond my control in the lives of other people. I'm plenty distressed by things beyond my control in my own life.
Noah's a smart kid. He's a good, smart kid. I'm beyond blessed to be his mama.
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| I love this wise man-child of mine. |
Our children definitely can give us a sobering perspective. Elliot told me once that I should never work at an elementary school because I hate when kids don't listen. Becoming an elementary guidance counselor was one of my plans. He was so right!! 😂 Put that dream back in reality!!
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