Due to an overwhelming variety of factors, I isolated myself as a new mother. It felt as though all Noah did was cry, and I did not know where to take him, how to launch myself into a community, or how to turn my constantly red-faced, screaming infant over to a sitter. My main sources of interaction were my mother, Shawn, and my friend at the time--she herself a newly single mother with a newborn and two older children, and her own overwhelming set of issues. Healthy, right? I did not have a community.
Depression was a pit, and I had dragged my infant into it with me. It mired me, and consequently, it mired Noah. Looking back, I have to wonder how much of his crying was due to being stuck at home with Mommy, 24/7! I did eventually try a few moms groups and a few other things. They weren't for me though, and really only served in making me feel (in me making myself feel) even more inadequate and incapable as a mother. I know that, as a result, Noah became isolated and socially challenged, leading to many chicken-or-the-egg questions in the back of my mind about his Asperger's. And there continued the cycle of feelings of inadequacy and incapability. Still no community.
Anyway.
Fast Forward.
With Avery, I was in a much better place emotionally, spiritually and physically. I had built up a better friend 'bank' and had plenty of support, but not really any close friends with infants or toddlers. I knew I needed to be involved with moms experiencing life the way I was, and I learned that there is NOTHING wrong with turning a red-faced, screaming infant over to a sitter! I knew that for both of us, for our mental and physical health, we needed community. This time around, I was going to get it right!
I really didn't know where to start though. I was kind of lost with it. We had just begun attending a new church, and I'm really not much of a joiner, so I looked at the lists of studies offered and thought, "I should be attending one of these.." It's something I have to force, and I'm really more comfortable hugging the wall than I am socializing (until I get to know you, and I'm comfortable with you--then, trust me, you'll wish you had duct tape and a straight jacket for me and a glass of wine for yourself). God bless her, the women's ministry leader worked with Shawn, trying to pull me out of my shell. Have I mentioned how resistant I am to socializing???? She had her work cut out for her.
I tried a few bible studies in the new church, some playgroups, but nothing really clicked. Avery and I went to toddler gym where we met with the same group of moms each week, but it wasn't really community. A friend then approached me about joining MOPs, where she was president. What??? Was she kidding? There will be PEOPLE there! Was she CRAZY???? I did end up going, and I will always be glad I did. I will admit that, in the beginning, I went to support her in her role, and because she had invited me. Then I discovered... I was enjoying myself! *Gasp* We had.... COMMUNITY.
Avery aged out of MOPs and I stopped going. We moved to another church last fall, and, even though it's taken me almost a year, I did finally start attending bible studies. One in particular, in the home of another mom, has been a saving grace. COMMUNITY. There's that word again. I can't tell you how necessary it's become for me. There aren't many of us, just a few of us with small children, and we support each other. I've even become comfortable enough that they've begun searching for my straight jacket and their glass of wine. We talk about our kids, the trials of motherhood, the ministry that is motherhood. We do have a book so we can have guided discussions, but well, you know how that goes. And you know what? We don't sit around complaining about our children, it's nothing like that! And I love that about our group! Even in the trials, there is only lifting up, laughter, and prayer. I leave each week with a smile, set straight(er) on my path, reminded that I am not the only who experiences motherhood the way I do, that so much of what I experience is normal.
If you are a new mom, or even if motherhood is old hat to you--I would encourage you to find a community. Please don't isolate yourself, and your child. Trust me, believe me, I know how painful stepping out into the world can be, how scary it is! You, and your child, will thank yourself for doing so though, I promise you. Even if it's just for coffee once a week, it's an important venture to make. Think of it as an investment in your health, and your child's well being.
Oh gosh! I almost forgot the most important part! Find a community with a built in sitter! That's the key! :)
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Living Without Fear
In one way or another, I've always been a fearful person. There are times it leads me to feel that I am betraying my God, betraying my faith. Ironically, it causes more fear that I am letting my Father down, that I am telling Him that His promises are not enough for me.
I wish I had the answer to that one, I do. All I know is that there are times when fervent prayer is called for more than other times. This is one of those times.
The enemy of my soul has been coming like a thief in the night, trying to steal my joy. He has been whispering nonsense and lies in my ear, and visiting in my dreams. I have truly felt under attack. He knows, and he takes advantage, turning my brain into his playground. He has been dancing with my fears, feeding the fire they are built on. It has been so bad that I am waking up in the night, and saying out loud, "I rebuke you! Get out! I will not give you this power! You cannot have this!" This certainly makes for some interesting looks from Lilly and Shawn at 3 am...
But really--NO. I will NOT give the enemy this power over my joy. He canNOT have this. This joy is God given, it is a gift, it is a blessing. God speaks the truth here, and ONLY God. I will not live in fear, and I will not allow my joy to be stolen from me. My Father has declared this joy His, and that is all I need to know. That is good enough for me.
We have a good life, an excellent life. Our home and our family are full of blessings. This is God's home, not the enemy's playground.
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
I wish I had the answer to that one, I do. All I know is that there are times when fervent prayer is called for more than other times. This is one of those times.
The enemy of my soul has been coming like a thief in the night, trying to steal my joy. He has been whispering nonsense and lies in my ear, and visiting in my dreams. I have truly felt under attack. He knows, and he takes advantage, turning my brain into his playground. He has been dancing with my fears, feeding the fire they are built on. It has been so bad that I am waking up in the night, and saying out loud, "I rebuke you! Get out! I will not give you this power! You cannot have this!" This certainly makes for some interesting looks from Lilly and Shawn at 3 am...
But really--NO. I will NOT give the enemy this power over my joy. He canNOT have this. This joy is God given, it is a gift, it is a blessing. God speaks the truth here, and ONLY God. I will not live in fear, and I will not allow my joy to be stolen from me. My Father has declared this joy His, and that is all I need to know. That is good enough for me.
We have a good life, an excellent life. Our home and our family are full of blessings. This is God's home, not the enemy's playground.
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Speak Life
I'm opening this post with these two life-saving links. The phone number for the national suicide prevention hotline is 800-273-8255. If you, or someone you love is in crisis right now, please don't delay. Please head straight to the emergency room and get help. I can't stress that enough. You are special, you are loved, you are important, you are needed and wanted. You deserve help, your family and loved ones deserve for you to help yourself. Your life has value and meaning. There is a reason for you, please don't give up.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=urgent_crisis_hotline
I don't normally react to the deaths of celebrities. I just don't. Yes, it is sad that someone has died, that family and friends have lost a loved one. I'm not heartless, but it is sadder to me when someone I know, or someone a friend dearly loves, dies. I don't see how a celebrity's death is any sadder or more important merely because the person was famous. Besides that, nine times out of ten, their deaths are due to some sort of stupidity that was entirely preventable. So, I'm not normally rattled by their deaths.
However, Robin Williams' death has slammed into me. I did actually cry. Why? Not really even because of who it was, but how it was that he died. It hits close to home. It's sad, it's tragic, it's awful. I'm all too familiar with the type of depression that can lead to suicidal thoughts and actions.
Depression is not merely being sad. Depression is a deep, dark pit from which you cannot simply crawl out of and get over. There is no "today is going to be a great day" mindset that needs to be changed. Depression can rule, run and destroy lives.
What hits home is that I've been there. The desire for the pain to just be over with. 'Knowing' that your family and friends will be better off without you dragging them down--they'll move on and find someone better who will treat them how they deserve to be treated, right? WRONG. There is no replacing you, there is no finding someone better.
Suicide is selfish. I never gave a second thought to leaving my son childless, to leaving my husband without a wife and life partner. I had given up, and did not want to continue on. I gave no thought to who would find me, how they would find me--it was all about myself. I did not consider the damage it would do to my son, knowing that I had chosen death over him, that I had chosen suicide over watching him grow up and being there for him. I just wanted out. I was desperate for the pain to be over. Now I am desperate to live. I will not let this depression rule our lives. I would've missed out on so much now.
You might think things will get better for you, but think of your family left behind to pick up the pieces. They might blame themselves. They might wonder why they didn't see the signs, what they could've/should've done differently. What about the person who finds you? What if that person is your child? The emotional damage you are leaving behind is far worse than anything you can imagine.
Suicide is selfish, but I can still understand how easily and quickly it can get to that point when you are in those depths. It seems there is no way out. Looking back, I see the way out now. When you're in the midst of it, it's so very hard to see that light, but it is there.
I urge you, implore you--if you are suffering, please talk to someone you trust. Get help, and don't put it off any longer. You are so loved, you are so precious. You are not alone. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I can tell you without a doubt--your family is never better off without you. Get healthy, find something to cling to, and hang on to that. You are here for a reason. Speak up for yourself.
Watch your children carefully. Watch new parents closely. Keep an eye on your friends and family. Know the signs, symptoms and risk factors. Ask questions. It's better to ask and know, than it is to have regret. Be the light, speak life. Be more afraid of what could happen if you don't speak up, than what could happen if you do. Many times, those of us with depression don't know how to ask for help. We don't know what to say, or we are so far down that rabbit hole that we can't. Our self esteem rules the 'voices in our heads' and we tell ourselves we are unworthy of help. Sometimes, it takes a friend to say, "Hey, you are important, I love you, and I see you suffering." Say it with love, without anger, without judgement.
If you are watching your friend or loved one suffer, I know you are also suffering. I think back on everything I've put my husband and sons through, and my biggest regret is not getting help sooner. I urge you to also get help, and to do what you can for your loved one. Please take the time to understand and learn about depression and suicide. Please don't ever tell someone to 'just get over it.' This is not something that can just be gotten over. Your loved one is sick. I urge you to walk that fine line between helping and codependency, to help your loved one get help. Whatever you have to do within your power, please do it before you lose your loved one forever.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=urgent_crisis_hotline
I don't normally react to the deaths of celebrities. I just don't. Yes, it is sad that someone has died, that family and friends have lost a loved one. I'm not heartless, but it is sadder to me when someone I know, or someone a friend dearly loves, dies. I don't see how a celebrity's death is any sadder or more important merely because the person was famous. Besides that, nine times out of ten, their deaths are due to some sort of stupidity that was entirely preventable. So, I'm not normally rattled by their deaths.
However, Robin Williams' death has slammed into me. I did actually cry. Why? Not really even because of who it was, but how it was that he died. It hits close to home. It's sad, it's tragic, it's awful. I'm all too familiar with the type of depression that can lead to suicidal thoughts and actions.
Depression is not merely being sad. Depression is a deep, dark pit from which you cannot simply crawl out of and get over. There is no "today is going to be a great day" mindset that needs to be changed. Depression can rule, run and destroy lives.
What hits home is that I've been there. The desire for the pain to just be over with. 'Knowing' that your family and friends will be better off without you dragging them down--they'll move on and find someone better who will treat them how they deserve to be treated, right? WRONG. There is no replacing you, there is no finding someone better.
Suicide is selfish. I never gave a second thought to leaving my son childless, to leaving my husband without a wife and life partner. I had given up, and did not want to continue on. I gave no thought to who would find me, how they would find me--it was all about myself. I did not consider the damage it would do to my son, knowing that I had chosen death over him, that I had chosen suicide over watching him grow up and being there for him. I just wanted out. I was desperate for the pain to be over. Now I am desperate to live. I will not let this depression rule our lives. I would've missed out on so much now.
You might think things will get better for you, but think of your family left behind to pick up the pieces. They might blame themselves. They might wonder why they didn't see the signs, what they could've/should've done differently. What about the person who finds you? What if that person is your child? The emotional damage you are leaving behind is far worse than anything you can imagine.
Suicide is selfish, but I can still understand how easily and quickly it can get to that point when you are in those depths. It seems there is no way out. Looking back, I see the way out now. When you're in the midst of it, it's so very hard to see that light, but it is there.
I urge you, implore you--if you are suffering, please talk to someone you trust. Get help, and don't put it off any longer. You are so loved, you are so precious. You are not alone. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but I can tell you without a doubt--your family is never better off without you. Get healthy, find something to cling to, and hang on to that. You are here for a reason. Speak up for yourself.
Watch your children carefully. Watch new parents closely. Keep an eye on your friends and family. Know the signs, symptoms and risk factors. Ask questions. It's better to ask and know, than it is to have regret. Be the light, speak life. Be more afraid of what could happen if you don't speak up, than what could happen if you do. Many times, those of us with depression don't know how to ask for help. We don't know what to say, or we are so far down that rabbit hole that we can't. Our self esteem rules the 'voices in our heads' and we tell ourselves we are unworthy of help. Sometimes, it takes a friend to say, "Hey, you are important, I love you, and I see you suffering." Say it with love, without anger, without judgement.
If you are watching your friend or loved one suffer, I know you are also suffering. I think back on everything I've put my husband and sons through, and my biggest regret is not getting help sooner. I urge you to also get help, and to do what you can for your loved one. Please take the time to understand and learn about depression and suicide. Please don't ever tell someone to 'just get over it.' This is not something that can just be gotten over. Your loved one is sick. I urge you to walk that fine line between helping and codependency, to help your loved one get help. Whatever you have to do within your power, please do it before you lose your loved one forever.
Friday, August 8, 2014
I Already Have a Job
My children will soon by returning to school. Noah is in eighth grade, and Avery is starting *gasp* kindergarten. Can I just say I'm grateful I don't have to conquer high school AND kindergarten in the same year? Both boys being in school full time has led to the inevitable question by many: "So are you getting a job? Returning to work? What will you do with yourself and all that free time?"
My answer is quite simple: I already have a full time job. I am a mom. I am blessed that I am able to continue to be a stay at home mom, with all the, um, perks and frills.
I understand what they are really asking is if I will get a job outside of the home. If, in fact, I will get a life. Hmmm. They are, for the most part, making polite conversation. Society tends to view SAHMs as tied down and burdened by our children, and full time school is a chance to break free from those full time children-chains, right? A chance to reassert ourselves as women and individuals, to obtain our identity once again as someone other than a mother.
*Ahem.*
My plans are simple. I hope to return to the gym, find some time for myself, and take part in Bible studies with my church. I want to volunteer more. If possible, I'm hoping maybe Lilly and I can start doing some agility training. I think she would really love that, and it would be healthy for both of us. These are things I've wanted to do, but would've required being away from my children and leaving them with sitters. My goal is to concentrate on my health, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, so I can be healthier for my family. I even hope to have the chance to properly clean my house!
No, I will not be looking for a job outside of the home. I am a mom first and foremost. I am fulfilled here, and we are blessed that I don't need to work. My kids still need me full time. This is where I am needed most. Motherhood is where I am called to be.
Maybe some day I will "get a job and return to work." But not today.
My answer is quite simple: I already have a full time job. I am a mom. I am blessed that I am able to continue to be a stay at home mom, with all the, um, perks and frills.
I understand what they are really asking is if I will get a job outside of the home. If, in fact, I will get a life. Hmmm. They are, for the most part, making polite conversation. Society tends to view SAHMs as tied down and burdened by our children, and full time school is a chance to break free from those full time children-chains, right? A chance to reassert ourselves as women and individuals, to obtain our identity once again as someone other than a mother.
*Ahem.*
My plans are simple. I hope to return to the gym, find some time for myself, and take part in Bible studies with my church. I want to volunteer more. If possible, I'm hoping maybe Lilly and I can start doing some agility training. I think she would really love that, and it would be healthy for both of us. These are things I've wanted to do, but would've required being away from my children and leaving them with sitters. My goal is to concentrate on my health, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, so I can be healthier for my family. I even hope to have the chance to properly clean my house!
No, I will not be looking for a job outside of the home. I am a mom first and foremost. I am fulfilled here, and we are blessed that I don't need to work. My kids still need me full time. This is where I am needed most. Motherhood is where I am called to be.
Maybe some day I will "get a job and return to work." But not today.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
What I Hope I've Taught My Children
As parents, we hope our children never stop learning from us. As Avery's and Noah's mom, I often panic, putting things in a time frame, "Oh no, I only have five more years before Noah leaves for college, how am I going to fit everything I still need to teach him into that?" Only five more years.....
Every so often I will actually ask them what they've learned from me so far. What have I taught you? What will be my legacy? What will you remember from me? I want to make sure I'm 'doing right' by my children. I want to leave a legacy of love, a full life well lived, good examples they will carry on with their own families.
My brain works fast and won't stop, so I thought I would try to write down some of the things I want them to remember. Some day I will share some of my blog posts with them, maybe have them printed in books for them--and this will be among their stories.
My Dear Boys,
*Remember to make eye contact. It lets people know you are listening, it shows respect, and it shows the person, and what he is saying, is important to you.
*Use your manners, even when others aren't--especially when others aren't. Yes maaam, no maam, thank you, please, you're welcome. Hold doors open for others, and when you do, wish them a good day. When paying at a cash register, ordering food, interacting with others, don't multi-task. Put your phone down and give the other person the respect and time they deserve.
*Love your brother. When Daddy and I are gone, you two are all you will have. Choose each other, love each other, talk daily. Have family vacations together, and spend time together. Family is important.
*Build friendships that will last. Have plenty of best friends, and acquaintances. Treat your friends like family, love them, spend time with them.
*Go to church. Remember to thank God for all He has given you. Remember everything He has done for our family. Follow His examples as daddies to your children, and as husbands to your wives. Follow His advice, His ways, His instructions in life, and you can't go wrong.
*Stay clean. Wash your clothes, yourself, keep a clean home. Keep your mind as clean as your body.
*Revere, cherish and honor your family. When you marry, marry your best friend. Find someone who loves you just as you are, who makes you laugh, holds your hand, walks with Christ, shares your values and morals. Raise your children with love and laughter. Remember they are children, and forgive them always. They need you, and you need them. Your family will complete you.
*Find your passion, and follow it. Do what you love, and love what you do. Make sure you are happy. You will need an identity outside of being dad, husband, co-worker, but don't allow your passion to be a detriment to your family life. Family comes first. Make sure your wife has a chance to pursue an identity outside of motherhood as well. Together, pursue a life outside of parenthood. Cultivate your marriage, for one day your children will be grown, and it will just be the two of you again.
*I will always be proud of you. There is nothing you can do in life to lose my love. You are my joy, my pride, my passion, my peace, my strength. You've made me cry, you've made my laugh, you've made me grateful for so very much. You've taught me so much about parenting, myself, and life in general. I will always be grateful I got to be your mom. That said, don't ever take my love for you for granted. Please don't disappoint me.
*Never stop learning. You are a student in life, whether you are in school or not. There is never a point at which you know everything.
*Forgive. Unforgiveness eats away more at you, it hurts you more than the other person, and it makes you the worse person. It does not bother the other person. There are times we must continually forgive the same person for the same thing. There are things we must accept about some people when we love them. In the same token, when you've been wrong to someone, ask forgiveness. And mean it. Always say you're sorry.
*In accepting things about people we love, don't put up with abuse and toxic people. You don't need that, and you don't deserve that.
*Be you, and be proud of who you are. Be true to yourself, your roots, and what your dad and I have taught you morally and ethically. Don't compromise yourself or your values. Remember, weird is the new awesome, and your parents made you awesome! Embrace your unique character, embrace your differences, don't ever try to be anyone else.
*Read. For knowledge, for fun, for family time.
*Get good grades. They are not the end all and be all, but they are very important, and will help you get where you need, and want, to be in life. Study what you want, and do well. Go to college, go to a trade school, further yourself and your education. Provide well for your family, always put them first. Be the best you that you can be so you can put them first. Whatever you choose to do, be the best at it.
*Cook with your family. The best magic happens when everyone is working together and laughing in the kitchen.
*Don't forget to be silly, and remember to laugh. Life is what we make it, so make it fun. Dance with your wives and daughters, wrestle and sword fight with your sons. Go for family hikes, go to the park, the pool. Camp in the backyard, and teach your children how to cook over a fire. If there is a photo booth in the middle of the mall, it's a chance for some good family portraits! Wake your children up for meteor showers and moonlit snowfalls. Don't forget to make memories.
*My goal with you has to been to be a better parent to you than my parents were to me. I have always wanted nothing more than to be the mom you deserve to have. Some days I make it, other days I miss that mark entirely. I am not perfect, but I'm trying. Please do the same for your children--I want you to be a better parent than I am, to be the dad your children deserve. Remember what you've loved about how I've raised you and use that, and remember what wasn't so good, and change that. Don't repeat unhealthy cycles--your dad and I have worked hard to break cyles, and I hope that's something you remember in raising your own children.
*Compliment your wives and children every day. End each day on a good note. That will get harder in the teenage years! :) Always remember to tell them you love them, read them stories, and make bedtime routines. Don't go to bed angry. Don't punish your children, discipline them with love instead. Teach them, lead them by examples. Play with your children; be Ken to your daughter's Barbie, be Bumblebee to your son's Optimus.
*Play in the rain.
*Spoil your wives. Don't just tell them you love them, SHOW them.
*Always have a servant's heart. Serve others with grace and love.
*Remember there are those who have less than you, emotionally, spiritually, and materially. Many times those with less than you are those who have more than you, and those with more than you actually have less. If I've done my job well, you know the difference, and know what I mean by that.
*Don't be a doormat to others who treat you poorly.
*Go on dates with your children, not just your wives.
*Mistakes happen, you're human. Learn from them, and don't let them happen again. When you don't, mistakes become habits. When possible, learn from the mistakes of others so you don't fall into the same traps.
*Respect all life, every life has meaning and value. Have a sensitive heart. Help others when you can. Defend those who can't defend themselves, be the one who stands up for them. I've raised you both to be world changers, and I want you to remember that. Be the one who makes a difference. "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world"--Dr. Seuss
*There will always be someone who is having a worse day than you, so remember to smile at those you pass by. You never know how much of a difference that could make to someone.
*Pray. Daily, always, about everything.
*Listen. Be still, be quiet, and listen.
*Be honest. Don't lie. The truth is always the best route, even when it will get you in trouble. Dishonesty will only get you in deeper.
*Be respectable. In a world where I've taught you not to judge others, you are being judged. You are being judged on your behaviors, your actions, your words, your manner of dress, how you treat others--everything you do is up for judgement. So, be above that. Ask yourself, "What would Mom say if this got back to her?"
*Don't hold grudges, and settle your differences. Holding on to bitterness only hurts you.
*When you ask someone about their day, how they are doing, and other 'social niceties'--MEAN IT. Really mean it. Be genuine. Sometimes you have to say, "No, really, how are you REALLY doing? I want to know because I care." Most people ask these questions just to start a conversation, and don't really want a true answer, so most people respond with the expected "Fine." Be the person who cares about hearing more than "fine."
*Attend your children's school, church and extracurricular functions, games, ceremonies, clubs and activities. Know who your children are friends with, and know their parents. Make sure they know you, and always require phone numbers. Meet your children's teachers, club sponsors, youth leaders, coaches and anyone else who plays a role in their lives. Make sure they know who you are.
*Raising children is not easy. It's made easier by having other adults who speak life to your children. Choose those friends and adults wisely. Make sure they are trustworthy, and worthy of your children. You need them. It really does take a village to raise chidlren, and you need that village. Your children need that village too.
*Trust your instincts. Sometimes a cute little puppy is really a snake in disguise. Watch out for the snakes.
*You are your child's only, and best, advocate. Out of everyone else in their village, only you truly know them best, and have their best interests at heart.
*Be kind. Everyone is fighting a battle.
*Not everyone knows how to ask for help, or likes to ask for help, so offer it.
Every so often I will actually ask them what they've learned from me so far. What have I taught you? What will be my legacy? What will you remember from me? I want to make sure I'm 'doing right' by my children. I want to leave a legacy of love, a full life well lived, good examples they will carry on with their own families.My brain works fast and won't stop, so I thought I would try to write down some of the things I want them to remember. Some day I will share some of my blog posts with them, maybe have them printed in books for them--and this will be among their stories.
My Dear Boys,
*Remember to make eye contact. It lets people know you are listening, it shows respect, and it shows the person, and what he is saying, is important to you.
*Use your manners, even when others aren't--especially when others aren't. Yes maaam, no maam, thank you, please, you're welcome. Hold doors open for others, and when you do, wish them a good day. When paying at a cash register, ordering food, interacting with others, don't multi-task. Put your phone down and give the other person the respect and time they deserve.
*Love your brother. When Daddy and I are gone, you two are all you will have. Choose each other, love each other, talk daily. Have family vacations together, and spend time together. Family is important.
*Build friendships that will last. Have plenty of best friends, and acquaintances. Treat your friends like family, love them, spend time with them.
*Go to church. Remember to thank God for all He has given you. Remember everything He has done for our family. Follow His examples as daddies to your children, and as husbands to your wives. Follow His advice, His ways, His instructions in life, and you can't go wrong.
*Stay clean. Wash your clothes, yourself, keep a clean home. Keep your mind as clean as your body.
*Revere, cherish and honor your family. When you marry, marry your best friend. Find someone who loves you just as you are, who makes you laugh, holds your hand, walks with Christ, shares your values and morals. Raise your children with love and laughter. Remember they are children, and forgive them always. They need you, and you need them. Your family will complete you.
*Find your passion, and follow it. Do what you love, and love what you do. Make sure you are happy. You will need an identity outside of being dad, husband, co-worker, but don't allow your passion to be a detriment to your family life. Family comes first. Make sure your wife has a chance to pursue an identity outside of motherhood as well. Together, pursue a life outside of parenthood. Cultivate your marriage, for one day your children will be grown, and it will just be the two of you again.
*I will always be proud of you. There is nothing you can do in life to lose my love. You are my joy, my pride, my passion, my peace, my strength. You've made me cry, you've made my laugh, you've made me grateful for so very much. You've taught me so much about parenting, myself, and life in general. I will always be grateful I got to be your mom. That said, don't ever take my love for you for granted. Please don't disappoint me.
*Never stop learning. You are a student in life, whether you are in school or not. There is never a point at which you know everything.
*Forgive. Unforgiveness eats away more at you, it hurts you more than the other person, and it makes you the worse person. It does not bother the other person. There are times we must continually forgive the same person for the same thing. There are things we must accept about some people when we love them. In the same token, when you've been wrong to someone, ask forgiveness. And mean it. Always say you're sorry.
*In accepting things about people we love, don't put up with abuse and toxic people. You don't need that, and you don't deserve that.
*Be you, and be proud of who you are. Be true to yourself, your roots, and what your dad and I have taught you morally and ethically. Don't compromise yourself or your values. Remember, weird is the new awesome, and your parents made you awesome! Embrace your unique character, embrace your differences, don't ever try to be anyone else.
*Read. For knowledge, for fun, for family time.
*Get good grades. They are not the end all and be all, but they are very important, and will help you get where you need, and want, to be in life. Study what you want, and do well. Go to college, go to a trade school, further yourself and your education. Provide well for your family, always put them first. Be the best you that you can be so you can put them first. Whatever you choose to do, be the best at it.
*Cook with your family. The best magic happens when everyone is working together and laughing in the kitchen.
*Don't forget to be silly, and remember to laugh. Life is what we make it, so make it fun. Dance with your wives and daughters, wrestle and sword fight with your sons. Go for family hikes, go to the park, the pool. Camp in the backyard, and teach your children how to cook over a fire. If there is a photo booth in the middle of the mall, it's a chance for some good family portraits! Wake your children up for meteor showers and moonlit snowfalls. Don't forget to make memories.
*My goal with you has to been to be a better parent to you than my parents were to me. I have always wanted nothing more than to be the mom you deserve to have. Some days I make it, other days I miss that mark entirely. I am not perfect, but I'm trying. Please do the same for your children--I want you to be a better parent than I am, to be the dad your children deserve. Remember what you've loved about how I've raised you and use that, and remember what wasn't so good, and change that. Don't repeat unhealthy cycles--your dad and I have worked hard to break cyles, and I hope that's something you remember in raising your own children.
*Compliment your wives and children every day. End each day on a good note. That will get harder in the teenage years! :) Always remember to tell them you love them, read them stories, and make bedtime routines. Don't go to bed angry. Don't punish your children, discipline them with love instead. Teach them, lead them by examples. Play with your children; be Ken to your daughter's Barbie, be Bumblebee to your son's Optimus.
*Play in the rain.
*Spoil your wives. Don't just tell them you love them, SHOW them.
*Always have a servant's heart. Serve others with grace and love.
*Remember there are those who have less than you, emotionally, spiritually, and materially. Many times those with less than you are those who have more than you, and those with more than you actually have less. If I've done my job well, you know the difference, and know what I mean by that.
*Don't be a doormat to others who treat you poorly.
*Go on dates with your children, not just your wives.
*Mistakes happen, you're human. Learn from them, and don't let them happen again. When you don't, mistakes become habits. When possible, learn from the mistakes of others so you don't fall into the same traps.
*Respect all life, every life has meaning and value. Have a sensitive heart. Help others when you can. Defend those who can't defend themselves, be the one who stands up for them. I've raised you both to be world changers, and I want you to remember that. Be the one who makes a difference. "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world"--Dr. Seuss
*There will always be someone who is having a worse day than you, so remember to smile at those you pass by. You never know how much of a difference that could make to someone.
*Pray. Daily, always, about everything.
*Listen. Be still, be quiet, and listen.
*Be honest. Don't lie. The truth is always the best route, even when it will get you in trouble. Dishonesty will only get you in deeper.
*Be respectable. In a world where I've taught you not to judge others, you are being judged. You are being judged on your behaviors, your actions, your words, your manner of dress, how you treat others--everything you do is up for judgement. So, be above that. Ask yourself, "What would Mom say if this got back to her?"
*Don't hold grudges, and settle your differences. Holding on to bitterness only hurts you.
*When you ask someone about their day, how they are doing, and other 'social niceties'--MEAN IT. Really mean it. Be genuine. Sometimes you have to say, "No, really, how are you REALLY doing? I want to know because I care." Most people ask these questions just to start a conversation, and don't really want a true answer, so most people respond with the expected "Fine." Be the person who cares about hearing more than "fine."
*Attend your children's school, church and extracurricular functions, games, ceremonies, clubs and activities. Know who your children are friends with, and know their parents. Make sure they know you, and always require phone numbers. Meet your children's teachers, club sponsors, youth leaders, coaches and anyone else who plays a role in their lives. Make sure they know who you are.
*Raising children is not easy. It's made easier by having other adults who speak life to your children. Choose those friends and adults wisely. Make sure they are trustworthy, and worthy of your children. You need them. It really does take a village to raise chidlren, and you need that village. Your children need that village too.
*Trust your instincts. Sometimes a cute little puppy is really a snake in disguise. Watch out for the snakes.
*You are your child's only, and best, advocate. Out of everyone else in their village, only you truly know them best, and have their best interests at heart.
*Be kind. Everyone is fighting a battle.
*Not everyone knows how to ask for help, or likes to ask for help, so offer it.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
With a Little Help from My Friends
I recently made the decision to change primary care doctors. There are a variety of reasons for the necessary change, but I won't get into that.
When I mentioned this to a few of my very good friends, they each sat me down, separately, and said, "While you're there...." and talked to me gently about my worsening depression.
If you've ever had to do that for a friend, you know it's not an easy thing to do. You don't know how your friend is going to react; the conversation could go one of many ways.
The thing was, I knew they were right. I needed to do something. It's not fair to my kids or my husband, and it's not healthy for any of us. I know I have a strong personal history of depressive and anxiety disorders, but I really wanted to just deny this. If I ignored it, maybe it would just go away on its own. Depression doesn't necessarily work that way, especially when it's more of a chemical imbalance rather than situational.
I knew I needed to do something. I did ask my new doctor about medication, and we decided on one to try. I've had undesirable side effects from these medications before, which have often made things worse, but I'm comfortable with the decision I made, and I think we found one that meets my needs. I'm glad my friends had that talk with me, and I'm glad I had that talk with my doctor. I've been on it for a little over a week, and I'm hopeful that it's already working. Even though I did lose it in church two weeks ago, I'm not crying at the drop of a hat like I was before. Words like baby, pregnancy, infertility, and so on, still tend to set me off--so obviously we've gotten to the biggest issue at hand. I am hopeful that it will continue to work this well, and even better, in the coming weeks.
If you have a friend or loved one who you suspect is suffering, please speak up. Do so with love, and speak life. Please don't condescend, please don't judge. Be gentle, and offer support. Many times, we really don't know how to ask for help, or what kind of support we might need though. We are so overwhelmed just doing daily tasks, that having to decide to ask for help, or what kind to ask for, is even more mind boggling.
I am blessed by these dear women, and so grateful for them. I am so lucky to have them in my life, and I love them for taking that risk in talking with me. They spoke with love, and in doing so, offered hope and life.
When I mentioned this to a few of my very good friends, they each sat me down, separately, and said, "While you're there...." and talked to me gently about my worsening depression.
If you've ever had to do that for a friend, you know it's not an easy thing to do. You don't know how your friend is going to react; the conversation could go one of many ways.
The thing was, I knew they were right. I needed to do something. It's not fair to my kids or my husband, and it's not healthy for any of us. I know I have a strong personal history of depressive and anxiety disorders, but I really wanted to just deny this. If I ignored it, maybe it would just go away on its own. Depression doesn't necessarily work that way, especially when it's more of a chemical imbalance rather than situational.
I knew I needed to do something. I did ask my new doctor about medication, and we decided on one to try. I've had undesirable side effects from these medications before, which have often made things worse, but I'm comfortable with the decision I made, and I think we found one that meets my needs. I'm glad my friends had that talk with me, and I'm glad I had that talk with my doctor. I've been on it for a little over a week, and I'm hopeful that it's already working. Even though I did lose it in church two weeks ago, I'm not crying at the drop of a hat like I was before. Words like baby, pregnancy, infertility, and so on, still tend to set me off--so obviously we've gotten to the biggest issue at hand. I am hopeful that it will continue to work this well, and even better, in the coming weeks.
If you have a friend or loved one who you suspect is suffering, please speak up. Do so with love, and speak life. Please don't condescend, please don't judge. Be gentle, and offer support. Many times, we really don't know how to ask for help, or what kind of support we might need though. We are so overwhelmed just doing daily tasks, that having to decide to ask for help, or what kind to ask for, is even more mind boggling.
I am blessed by these dear women, and so grateful for them. I am so lucky to have them in my life, and I love them for taking that risk in talking with me. They spoke with love, and in doing so, offered hope and life.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Reprinted with Permission
To give you a bit of background: The grief ministry I've been involved with for almost 9 years is receiving a new property on which to build, and we had to petition the county zoning board in order to do so. We are in desperate need of this new home for our ministry, as we are outgrowing our current rental. I spoke to the zoning board last month, testifying to the necessity of this ministry, as did several other volunteers, board members and staff. Our petition was carried over to this month, and last week, Shawn and Noah spoke on behalf of our cause, along with several more volunteers. As a mom, and a wife, I can't think of a time when I've been more proud. I am overwhelmed with gratitude, love and pride. Noah did so well; he wrote this by himself (I made a few changes here for privacy concerns), and read it, clearly, while making eye contact with at least 10 complete strangers, and possibly 30 more sitting in the gallery behind him. I can't tell you how much of a big deal this was for him! As we left, several people we did not know got up to shake his hand and tell him he did a good job. As a mom, that is just so meaningful to me! He was amazing.
*Our ministry did receive the county's approval for our new home!!
Naturally, I did take a photo (and video!):
Hi, My name is Noah Furr.
I am 13 years old, an upcoming 8th grader in middle school,
where I am an honors student, and I am a lifelong resident of this county. I volunteered with this grief ministry for a
year while I was in 4th and 5th grades.
My parents began homeschooling me in 4th grade
when I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.
I started going to the center on Thursdays to help my mom with the Care
Café, now known as Coffee and Conversation.
My social skills therapist had me working on building people files at
the time, and this was a good place to do so.
An example of a people file is remembering what a person talks about,
such as a pet, a child, a spouse, a job, or a life event, and asking about it
the next time I see that person. The
purpose of building my people files is so I can carry on conversations, and remember
to be courteous of others. While I
volunteered at the center, I worked with Chaplain L, and Miss S, and met people
like Miss R and Miss C. I helped my mom serve coffee, tea and light
snacks, and I also did some office work.
Two years ago my favorite dog, Gretta, died. She was the best dog ever, and my best
friend. I didn’t know how to handle the
grief and the anger I felt, and I wanted to know why this was happening to
me. It was the first time I had
experienced real anger, and I even shoved my mom’s cat off the counter, screaming
that it should’ve been her instead of my dog.
My parents and counselor helped me with my anger so I could express it
in healthy ways, but it was Miss S and her Pet Loss Support Group at the center
that really helped me through. I was
able to talk about Gretta and share stories and her pictures with other animal
lovers who understood me and what I was going through. I was able to learn how to mourn Gretta
without being angry.
This ministry has played a big role in my life, showing me
the way when there appear to be no apparent ways. These good people helped me and my family
through my diagnosis, and helped me be less socially awkward by giving me a
safe place to talk, practice my social skills and grieve.
You want to know what I think about this ministry, I think
it is a lovely place full of open arms ready to help you through hard times.
Thank you for your time and attention.
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