Dusting Myself Off

Someone told me that having kids is like having your heart walk around outside your body.  As my family in Maine says, a-yuh, it sure is.

When our children are born, our hearts feel like they will explode because we are filled with so much love we never thought possible. It's not until our children are born that we realize the capacity for love that our hearts hold.  And with each accomplishment, every time our hearts well up again and again with that love, our hearts expand further, to the point we are positive they will burst.  We proudly say, "Yeah, that's my kid!"

Sadly, as I'm discovering, disappointment and discouragement are the complete opposite.  This feels more like an implosion.  And I don't know how many more times my heart can curl up on itself.  We say, "What is happening to my child?  Why is this happening to my child?  Why MY child?"  I want to shake my fist and scream at all the nastiness to pick on someone its own size.  If my own heart feels this bruised and battered, what does Noah's feel like?

As my mother pointed out, these first stages are like peeling an onion.  Each new thing we learn or hear is going to bring up a new emotion.  Eventually (hopefully) it will get easier and better.  And truth be told, Noah probably is handling it better than I am.  He has an extremely good grasp of what Asperger's is and what it means for him.  For Noah, this could also be where the symptoms are more of a blessing than a curse (Fortunately for him?  Unfortunately?  I don't know).

Between the email from the school and our OT telling us that things are worse for Noah than originally thought, yesterday was brutal.  But today is a new day.  We're picking ourselves up, dusting ourselves off and starting over.  Thank you, God, for giving us this chance.