Revelations from the Kitchen Floor: Listening When God Speaks

I have a confession to make:  I only clean my floors once in a blue moon (I know, you're shocked).  Maybe if I was disciplined to clean more often, I'd be disciplined to listen to God a little better!  

I made "the trip" to my primary care doctor the other day.  The one I never wanted to have to make ever again:  The one to ask for anti-depressants.  This was just as difficult as asking Noah's doctor for medication for him and for painkillers for myself.  But, it's time.  2011 has slammed me (our entire family, but I seem to be taking it the hardest).  My kids hate me; well, at least they hate what this anger and depression have done to me.  I'm angry all the time, deeply depressed, nasty to my family, unhappy, not sleeping well, behind in everything that needs to be done, grieving and just plain overwhelmed--and that's just the tip of the iceberg.  Fortunately, I am able to recognize the signs for what they are (having been down this deep, dark hole before) and realized it was time to seek help.  I laid it all out for my doctor, she handed me tissues and said she could see why I was there.  I walked out with a prescription and we'll see how this stuff works.

This morning I was scrubbing my kitchen floor and I got thinking (listening)--what if the lesson I'm supposed to learn through everything that has happened this year is how to take care of myself and how to be taken care of, to take a hiatus of sorts from taking care of everyone else (obviously my family is exempt from this; I can't stop being a wife and a mom)?  I'm just always so BUSY for everyone else that I don't have time for my family, or more importantly lately, myself.  Part of the busy-ness is so I don't have to face what I'm really going through and feeling.  It hurts too much.  When the dam finally breaks, I don't know where I'll be, who I'll be with or even who I'll be when I'm finished.

I don't know what this message means quite yet.  I need to pray more and listen more.  I do know that part of taking care of myself means going to the hospital center out of state after all.  Even if my doctors aren't right about this place, I owe it to myself and my family to find out what is really going on in my body and part of that search starts at this hospital center.  I also know it means I need to start taking my friends up on their offers to help with my boys and anything else they want to do.  I need to start listening better to the voice of my training, to my own advice and to The Word.  When my dear husband offers to kick me out of the house, I should just run instead of telling him I don't have anywhere to go.   I don't know if it means taking a break from the center I volunteer with. There is a danger in ministry of becoming so empty that you have nothing left to give and you just dry up.  I used to be so excited about my work at the center that I would start planning my menu days in advance.  Recently, it gets to be Wednesday night and I realize I still haven't prepared anything for the next day.  I still love my work there and I absolutely love the people, but I've been lacking the inspiration I need to prepare my food.  This is the work that identifies who I am outside of being a SAHM.  This is the work that gives me a break away from my family, brings joy to my life and makes me feel worthy.  This work is what centers my life.  This center is my home away from home.  Certainly God doesn't mean for me to give this up in the process of learning how to take care of myself?  It just sounds so selfish--stop doing for others and do for myself.  It would take some getting used to.

As I said, I need to pray more about this.  I also need to talk with the chaplain I work with.  She is a very wise mentor to me and I trust her guidance.  I don't know where God is leading me, but I do know I can't keep going like this.