Ugh (Another Diagnostic Journey)

I really don't know what to call this one.  It's a bit of mommy-moaning, if you want the truth.  A little bit of self pity thrown in with some "buck up, Sunshine, God's got this."  So, UGH, it is.

We are having Avery evaluated for ADHD/ADD.  I hate this process.  Hate is a strong word, but it's the word I'm sticking with.  At our first appointment, I realized it was 5 years to the day when we received Noah's diagnosis, and that was just plain hard for me.  Sitting in the waiting room while my five year did his favorite thing (talked about himself) with the psychologist, I cried.  I'm so grateful for the dear friends who got me through that moment!

Even though I know we're doing the right thing, there's a lot of second guessing, and a lot of guilt.  Am I prepared for a diagnosis other than the one I'm expecting?  Am I wrong--what if this is just who he is, and I'm not understanding my child well enough?  Am I overreacting?  I feel the judgement--my own, really--two kids with diagnoses, geez Amy, can't you get it together?  Maybe it's not them, it's me and my extreme lack of parenting skills.  I don't like the feelings of "WHY MY CHILD" either.  This is not what I want for my children, I know they won't have charmed lives, but why is this the struggle they've been given?  Which trails into the realm of "Get over it, Amy, there are kids who struggle with a lot worse."

With Noah, there was so much parental denial, and it really did hurt him.  I don't know if I will ever fully forgive myself for how long it took us to secure help for him.  This time, determined to not delay in the help my child needs, I've started the process sooner than recommended.  Why?  Ohhh, a variety of reasons, and yes, I suppose subconsciously I'm trying to make up for the harm I caused Noah.

I hate the forms.  I know they need this information in order to make the proper diagnosis, but geez, I really feel as though I'm just bashing my son.  When I filled out these forms for Noah, I felt as though they weren't getting the full picture.  The forms didn't ask what I loved about him, what was great about him, what his strengths were.  I ended up making up my own form (and I wonder why my children can't follow rules) because I wanted the doctors to know just how great Noah is, not just what his weaknesses were.  It was something I really struggled with.  There is more to my children than just their difficulties and struggles.

The forms are a bit different this time, as we're using a different facility, and we're also not having to consider ASD as part of the diagnostic process.  I'm grateful that this time, there is a good-sized space for me to address Avery's strengths, the things I love about him, and what I feel he excels at.  I do feel as though they will get the whole picture this time.

We also aren't sure how to explain any of this to Avery. So far, we've approached it from the "we're just going to go play some games and talk to some people who want to know more about you" angle. Noah was very self aware, knew he was different, and was relieved when we received his diagnosis: "There's nothing wrong with me, my brain just works differently." Noah's self esteem suffered greatly in the time before his diagnoses.  Avery is, well, he's a special kind of self assured!  Self esteem is not an issue with this child--so I worry, when it comes time to explain why he's getting a bit more help, how will it affect him?  Will it bother him, will he suddenly think something is wrong with him, will he be harder on himself because he thinks we think there's something wrong with him?   I'm seriously praying for divine intervention here, because I really just don't know how to handle it this time.

In the end, I know God has got this.  I've hit a revelatory period, if you will, with Noah--as I watch him embrace everything that is himself, I realize that God wrote his story a long time ago.  He's had Noah this entire time, having already mapped out, and traveled, Noah's journey Himself.  This is who, and how, God intended him to be.  And, the same goes for Avery.  Got has got my child's back--our child's back.  He already knows how this is going to go, and someway, somehow, He will use this in Avery's life.  It will become part of his testimony, part of his story, and something we'll get through with God's help.