Paying Our Dues, Part 2

Yes, we wallowed...

But....

We did eventually learn to laugh about much of it over the years as we also learned to allow God to lead us through the life He chose for us, and we even learned to be grateful for much of it, even more so for the lessons those years taught us.  Without a doubt, I can't--as in, won't--give any of those years or experiences back because they've made us who we are now.  They created us as individuals, and as a family.  We eventually learned to look at each situation and ask each other, "What does God want us to learn from this?"  Once we lost the bitterness, pain and anger, we realized there were so many lessons God had been trying to teach us, and we'd been missing the point the entire time.  We learned to laugh--because the alternative downright sucked the life out of us.  It was no longer an option.  We could have allowed those experiences to make us hard, broken, bitter people.  We were giving everyone else, and the other negative experiences in our lives, too much power and that was not how we wanted to live, nor what we wanted to teach our children. And we laugh now too.  We have to.  We want our kids to remember the good times, and we want them to remember things better than they were, and to remember just how God PROVIDED. Yes, that house was a hovel, and that car was embarrassing, but they were shelter and transportation in times when so many people don't have either. Looking back, if we'd moved--my gosh.  I never would have met my best friend.  What a loss I would have suffered.  More than that, we wouldn't have been able to afford what we went through to have Avery and Ezra--talk about a loss.  I can't imagine our lives without them!  I don't know that we would've learned our lessons that God was trying to teach us, that we would have found the churches that saved us, and so many other people and events that molded us and formed us.  And now, we wouldn't have this amazing, incredible, crazy life.   But again, I digress!  :)

As I said though, at the time--we were anything but grateful.  We were angry, frustrated and bitter and felt stuck. When the housing market tanked and we lost the house we'd been building, we became even more bitter and angry.   When I visited this friend's house that day, it was for advice and support concerning Noah, doctors, Asperger's and just remembering how to breathe through everything Noah was going through, and everything we were going through as his parents.  I remembering trying to hold in my "in awe-ness" when I walked into her beautiful home.  Oh, how I envied it so much!  Finally, when we reached her kitchen after talking for a bit, I couldn't hold it in anymore and blurted out, "Your kitchen is just beautiful!  It's like the kitchen of my dreams! Your entire home is just amazing!"  She covered my hand with hers, smiled and said, "One day you'll have yours.  One day it will be your turn."

Oh my goodness, those words.  At the time, they were meaningless because I wasn't in the right place emotionally, mentally and spiritually to receive them.  But they did sink in over time, and they have stuck with me ever since.